The Importance of Emotional Connection

In the world of psychotherapy in which I live, my specialty is in dealing with aspects of sexual addiction.  Since I have been living in this sphere for nearly seven years, I have learned a number of truths about its causes, its precursors, its emotions, its lies and deceptions. One truth that makes perfect sense once it is understood and embraced, is the inability for one battling addictive tendencies to be emotionally connected to another.

To be clear, my experience has been almost exclusively, but not entirely, with heterosexual people.  But the truth is neither a homosexual nor a heterosexual issue.  It is about the difficulty of connection, and that spans all orientations.  Such a connection, or lack of such, is a telling sign in sexually addictive behavior.  The lack of emotional connection is not just a problem in the sexual realm either.  Much of what follows is relevant for most any kind of addictive behavior, be it anger, codependency, self-justification...anything!

Sexually addictive behavior is any sexual behavior with self or another that someone has unsuccessfully attempted to stop and which has caused problems with self or another's life. To call someone a full-on "addict" is a high bar for me, and those with whom I work are rarely in that state.  Nearly all who sit in front of me definitely have sexually addictive tendencies, but for the purposes of this discourse, I will call them "addicts."

It has been my experience that early on, for many during puberty, that the addict has some difficulty in connecting with others. There are a multitude of reasons for such difficulty, but the reality is that such an inability to connect with another at its core is an inability to connect with one's self.  

If the addict doesn't know and understand who he or she is, because it hasn't been modeled for them, because they have been raised in variations of rigid or unstructured families, because parental figures or siblings have tried to define them instead of allowing them to define themselves, or because of many other dysfunctional reasons, relationships will be difficult for the addict, either with the same or opposite gender.

If they are too vulnerable, they see people making fun or taking advantage of them.  If they hide behind an emotional wall to protect themselves, they get comfortable there because that place makes them feel safe.  For some, they project the pain onto others and become aggressive to avoid feeling the inner pain, and wall up their feelings.  For others, they turn inward and become isolated, which is often accompanied by anxiety or depression--or both. Relationships become a problem.

When there has been particular physical, emotional, or particularly, sexual abuse, the ability to relate in a healthy way to others is decreased or goes away completely.  They feel they cannot afford to trust anyone and they see the world as a particularly dangerous place filled with dangerous people. 

As a young person who has started to engage in sexually addictive behavior to take care of himself or herself as a means to survive, often in dysfunctional ways. They can easily turn to sex, probably with themselves, and especially if they're not socially adept.  It can make them feel free and good about themselves, if only for a moment.  And it can come through every time, as opposed to messy relationships with parents, siblings, friends, or others.  It becomes a pseudo friend--always reliable, always there, never a hassle.

It becomes much easier to use sex to feel good, to fill the emptiness. And as with other poor coping stategies or behaviors like taking drugs or drinking alcohol, the sexual addict begins to meet with the "friend" more often.  In many cases, what made them originally feel good as they act out, the result of the release of brain chemicals--a "dopamine banquet,"will not make them feel "good enough," and they will require more stimulation--more dopamine. Sometimes, the sexual acting out behaviors can devolve into an addiction.

So what can be done?  One cannot just decide that they are going to be connected tomorrow.

To begin, a person has to realize that there is a problem of sexually addictive behavior, if not full blown addiction.  That can be a terribly scary realization.  Admitting that takes courage.  But it takes even greater courage to face fear and do something about it.  For some, the timing isn't right, or they simply are too comfortable where they are, in spite of how bad their lives have become.  In the addiction recovery world, that reality is expressed thusly:

When the pain of addiction is greater than the pain of recovery, the addict will seek recovery.  But when the pain of recovery is greater than the pain of addiction, the addict will stay in addiction.

Taking a risk to become vulnerable with another takes the greatest courage of all.  It starts with a willingness to be just a little vulnerable, peeking from behind the emotionally safe wall which acts as both protection--keeping people out, and prison--keeping the person in.

It is not an all or nothing vulnerability.  Thinking of vulnerability as being in degrees can be helpful.  In other words, a person can make the choice to be a little vulnerable with a safe someone, not a person or group which has made someone feel badly in the past or with some family or friends where there is a history of emotional tension.

The person attempting to be a little vulnerable must not think of the negative event or situation as being all or nothing. They can realize that the timing may not have been right. They can realize that they may have revealed too much about themselves and may have overwhelmed the other person. They can realize that while a situation may not have produced the desired outcome, they can learn from it, and have hope for the future.  They can realize that they will live to see another day.

As successes occur in safer environments, the next step is to courageously begin to become a little vulnerable with those whom we have considered dangerous.  Again, the challenge is to not get caught up in the catastrophy, the all or nothing thinking.  The challenge is to realize that this is a journey and that events are not always going to turn out the way they had been envisioned.  If it has taken the person X amount of years developing bad connections and bad habits, it is going to take some time for those to begin to disappear.  Learning to when and with whom to be vulnerable takes time.

Another less risky intention can be to begin the process of strengthening, if not finding and nurturing, same gender relationships.  The idea is to stregthen those which may have existed in the past, or to look for places or environments where someone can find same gender possibilities.

Almost always, when as a therapist I ask someone who has sexually addictive behaviors how many same gender friends they currently have in their lives, they will often say none, or perhaps one. This same gender friend cannot be a drinking buddy or casual acquaintance. That they say they have none does not come as a surprise.  If they are in a partner/spousal relationship, they are usually incapable of emotionally connecting with them as well.

Taking time to reconnect with people of the past, or making time to seek out same gender connections in group settings or faith settings, is a safe way to learn better how to connect. In this safe environment that lacks sexual tension, it is easier to begin to be more vulnerable. Hopefully, but not always, the new friend reciprocates, and connection can begin to thrive. It takes an investment of time, and maybe a little money, but it is well worth the investment.

Usually, as a person in emotional connection recovery develops these nourishing and satisfying same gender relationships, the sexual addicting out behaviors begin going away. Why?  Because they are nurturing themselves and their emotions in a safe, even joyful way. The temporary thrill they got from sexually acting out is countered by the long term satisfaction of a healthy relationship.