Bound and Determined Not to Kill Them!

I am attempting to do something that has daunted me my entire life. Thus far, the road has been rough to be sure. But I want to keep trying. Others seem to have no problem in doing this. It seems simple enough.

What, you ask?

My goal is to not kill plants!  My goal is to successfully keep greenery green to enhance my life. My goal is to do something that scares me to death.

Growing up, I don't remember us having any indoor plants.  I don't remember my mother planting outside, but I do remember some flowers, and rhubarb. There were what she called "four o'clocks" scattered about the back yard, but they grew like weeds anyway. (I do remember gather seeds from them a couple of times.)  I remember geraniums, hyacinths, daffodils, peonies, hollyhocks, and a lilac bush, in the northwest part of the yard. There were some roses that occasionally grew along the chain link fence to the north.

But I was never shown the finer art of plant maintenance, such as how often to water or fertilize.

I have always loved flowers.  The bright yellow of a daffodil, the purple of a lilac bloom, the red of a rose, the pastels of hyacinths--they delight my eyes. And I have always been intoxicated by their fragrances, even though not all flowers have them.  I keep a couple of fragrant pink or red rose blooms in my office at work that I clip from the bushes near the entrance to the building, and when they dry up they retain their fragrance.  I keep a bunch on my desk.

When we lived in Mount Washington near downtown Los Angeles, I became acquainted with plumerias.  They are the fragrant and beautiful blooms that often adorn hawaiian leis.  As I would go on morning walks, one of my paths took me by a home that had a substantial plumeria bush in front, and when I first saw their beautiful whiteness with yellow in the center, and smelled their delicious fragrance, I was hooked.  The owner gave me a start in a pot, but it was stolen off our porch not long after.

There is a patch traingular patch of dirt between the access to the "downstairs," or rather, the room that accesses our heater and under our house here in Tujunga.  I decided to purchase a substantial plumeria bush from a plumeria grower a couple of summers ago, and planted it in the patch, which is right next to the white stucco outside of our home near our tankless water heater, and which faces west, getting warm or hot afternoon sun.

I have always like the strong smell of jasmine, and decided to plant a jasmine bush on a trellis in the same patch.

My report is that the plumeria seems to be doing rather well.  I try to remember to fertilize it every couple of weeks during the summer, and while it didn't start blooming this year until June, it has given me non-stop pleasure since then. I make it a point to enjoy their beauty and stick my nose deep into a blossom every day. The green leaves sometimes look a bit yellow, and I've wondered if I have been watering them too little.  

By the way, I was given a couple of non-white plumeria starts recently, and since there isn't much room in the aforementioned patch, and since we haven't decided what to do with the back yard (we are going to remove the old termite-infested apricot tree in the late fall), I decided to keep them in pots and put them facing a not-so-harsh morning sun near the entrance to our front door.

The jasmine sometimes blooms but some of its leaves always look brown, as if they've been burned by the hot soon, and I have wondered if it's just too hot for it there on the trellis next to the house.  Actually, it often looks sickly. Arrrgh!

We are members of the Huntington Botanical Gardens because of our love of plants and we regularly visit this beautiful place near Pasadena.  They had a plant sale the past spring and I decided to purchase some succulents (harder to kill) and plant them in another patch that abuts the garage in our back yard. So far, of the ten plants, seven seem to be holding their own, but the other three don't look so good.  I don't know whether they need less water or more water. 

At that same sale at the Huntington, I bought three other plants, two of which I planted in the front planter and which seem to be looking okay but not great. The third was a lovely exotic iris that I guess I killed within about a month from lack of water.  Arrrgh!  






Because I am an official "Japanophile" from having lived in Japan when we were first married, I have always been fascinated by bonsai plants.  My wife bought me a tiny one many years ago for my office, but because it was a juniper and needed to be outdoors and not indoors (which I didn't know at the time), it died not long after.

I've always loved enjoying their looks, their lines, their sheer beauty.  I decided earlier this year to study up on bonsai with the idea that I would buy one for my office.  I learned that there are inside and outside bonsai, and that I needed to purchase an inside one, which I did.  It is a golden gate ficus from China, and I seem to be giving it the right amount of water because it hasn't died yet.

Not long after, I did some research about area bonsai nurseries, and found one that had a large amount of outdoor bonsai near Pasadena.  I found two that spoke to me, a cotoneaster and a shimpaku juniper, and purchased them. Both of these were recommended for beginning bonsai enthusiasts because it's hard to hurt them. I was told that they should not get full sun so I placed them in the back yard, and began watering them twice a week, which I had been instructed to do.

A couple of months after purchasing them, they started looking sickly.  They always got their water twice a week but I didn't fertilize them.  I killed them! I decided that the summer afternoon sun of Tujunga was just too much for them to live on two waterings a week, and that their roots probably got cooked inside their decorative pots.  Arrrgh!  

It was hard to not feel a failure and not want to give up on my dream of having a number of bonsai plants.  After feeling bad for a month or so, I decided to look failure in the teeth and buy some more.  I committed to put them under the aforementioned apricot tree so that they would get no direct afternoon sunlight.

I purchased a beautiful juniper--quite stunning actually.  

I purchased another cotoneaster.  I am determined not to be a failure twice with these supposedly easy-to-maintain plants.  

I daringly purchased a fukien tea bonsai.

So that is my plant story as of July 2014.  I am determined to keep learning and not make too many more mistakes.  I would really like to eventually have a modest but beautifully landscaped yard with lovely flowers and bushes, and I would really like to have a collection of some eight to ten bonsai plants.  I hope to eventually learn how to make plants into bonsai plants.  For now, my goal is to not kill any more!

Paxman Family Reunion - July 2014 #2

Although we watched some movies at the reunion, and went swimming, not to mention the disc golf we played, the canoeing, watching 4th of July fireworks, and eating ourselves silly, the greatest thing about this reunion was the chance to reconnect.  It was a blessing to see three of my four children and five of my six grandchildren in one place.  It was wonderful to see my brother-in-law Rick and his wife Amy, and their son Scott and daughter Suzy.  It was great to see my sister-in-law Jill and her husband Richard Lin, and their sons Philip and his wife Carolina, and Timothy. And it is always a blessing to spend some time with my great wife, away from our day-to-day activities.

It was also a blessing for cousins to be able to hang out with other cousins, and aunts and uncles--from young to old.  This reunion gave us all the opportunity to spend time together that is so difficult to do since all of us aew literally spread across the country.  

Here are a few meaningful pictures (to me) of some people I love.  They made this reunion the wonderful time it was.  Thanks to Rick and Amy for hosting this shindig. 

Emily, Rick and Jill (and Richard Lin hidden)

BJ, Rebecca, and Cousin Scott

Sisters with Mustaches

BJ and Rebecca, together

Interestingly, I turned 60 on June 4th.  My sister-in-law Jill turned 60 eight days before me.  My other sister-in-law Amy turns 60 later in the summer. One from each of the three Paxman sibling marriages turns 60 this summer.

To celebrate, we had a dress up party, complete with a "60" pinyata (I couldn't to a tilde over the n) for the kids, party hats, and birthday cake. This party produced the first darling photo of the Johnson grandchildren at the other posting, plus the mustaches.

My wife had dug up some pictures of me from old scrapbooks at the request of my children.  The pics were compiled along with memories of their dad, and presented to me during the party.  I was pleased and touched by what they did.  

Happy Birthday to Me!

What a wonderful week! We made some preliminary plans for our next soiree in a couple of years.  I can't wait...!

Paxman Family Reunion - July 2014 #1

It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words.  So I want to give you a thick novel's worth of pictures from the Paxman Family Reunion which I attended from July 1 to July 8.  I will indicate when the pictures are NOT mine, otherwise, they are memories that I wanted to catch on film (and still had camera battery to take them!)  They will not be in chronological order; that is, when they happened during the week.  I hope you enjoy them!

The Adorable Johnson Kids!

It is less than a five-minute walk from the Paxman home in Saline, Michigan to a lake.  This body of water is a perfect place for all ages to have fun, and in the case of the reunion, to strengthen family ties.  I think everybody but Rick and Richard Lin got in on the action!

Elizabeth Jumping In Under Philip and Scott's Watchful Eyes

Good (Handsome) Father and Son-in-Law Adam with Lucy and Charlie?

Charlie Going Airborne into Uncle BJ's Arms

Uncle BJ Attacked by Eddie and Lucy

Isaac the Swimmer and Cousin Scott

Emily and Adam Alone Without the Kids!

Calm (in pain?) Amy Watching

Too Much Good Time for Charlie

Another activity that some of us enjoyed was playing "disc golf" or Frisbee golf, in which one attempts to throw a disc into a basket some 75-120 yards away in three tries. Some of the time is spent looking for errant discs.  I had played "disc golf" before, and got pretty good toward the end of the reunion. The next four pictures are not mine.

The Disc is Thrown Like Scott Here, or Like a Frisbee

"Where in the heck did that disc go?"

Yet another activity was canoeing for some eight miles down the Huron River. One picture is us on a bus to the launch point. Some people fell in the river; I didn't.  I finally got the hang of stopping us from hitting a limb or another canoe near the end. It was a lot of fun.  Didn't get too sunburned.

Elizabeth, Philip's Carolina, Em and Adam

I'm Behind Em Steering, Ha Ha!

We Spent a Lot of Time Socializing and Eating in the Kitchen

Always Good Food (Most Everybody Helped) and Smiles

On Losing and Loss

In 1969, a Swiss psychiatrist published a book called On Death and Dying.  Motivated by a lack of available curriculum about death and grieving available then, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross published this landmark book, in which is found her "Five Stages of Grief."  I first learned about the Five Stages of Grief while attending school to become a psychotherapist.  Since then, I have discussed them at length with a good number of my clients.  Not all of my clients have come to me because of a dying or dead loved one; only a handful have.  But quite a few clients come to me to essentially talk about what they didn't receive or are not receiving from their parents or spouse, or of a missed opportunity.  To me, this "passage" is a kind of death and needs to be mourned or grieved.

For example, if someone did not receive emotional connection from their father, and either he has passed away or if still alive he is unlikely to admit to a child that he did the best he could, or that he in fact connected with the child in some way,  There will likely be no resolution for the child, and that "loss" will continue to bother the child until he or she grieves the "loss."  As such, most people, young or old, have "lost" someone or something, never to have it again.

I believe along with the Dalai Lama that part of the success of one's life will be determined by how well we let go.  These Stages help one to let go.

The Five Stages of Grief are as follows, keeping in mind that they can occur in any order:

1)  Denial
2)  Anger
3)  Negotiation
4)  Depression
5)  Acceptance

To use the example above, as they might occur--in order, a woman may have thought through much of her childhood, teen years, and early 20s, her father was merely a stern man who did the best he could to raise her, but in reality, he was blinded by the barrenness of his own parents' upbringing and didn't have much to give to her. She never really got what she needed from him. - DENIAL

When she realized that her relationship with her spouse had been greatly influenced by the dysfunctional relationship with her dad, she became very angry with her father.  There may be more anger because he passed away a few years ago and she cannot ask him difficult questions. - ANGER

She then might wonder what it would have been like if only she had realized his impact on her life earlier when he was alive.  If only her mother wouldn't have needed to compensate for that loss of connection.  If she could only talk to him now, what would she say? - NEGOTIATION

The feelings of denial, anger and negotiation then distilled into a sadness and heaviness of heart.  She realized that she was left to pick up the pieces of her life and felt ill-equipped to do so.  Her relationship with her spouse and children began to suffer because she didn't feel like doing much of anything because she felt great sadness. - DEPRESSION

Finally, she realized that she was powerless to change her life.  She realized that she needed to move forward if only for the good of her family.  She accepted the facts of her life and moved on. - ACCEPTANCE

The Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief are really useful in the ways they can be used to help a person understand what is happening to them in the moment as they mourn their loss and feel their grief, whatever or whomever it was.

So as I left a doctor's office this afternoon having completed a hearing test, I realized that I have experienced some major hearing loss, and my hearing won't go back to the way it was.  I also realized that other physical processes of my body are likewise deteriorating, incident to my 60 years, and won't return to their youthful vigor.  I need to mourn my physical losses.

As I drove further, I realized that my kids are all grown up, three of them with their own children, and the "fathering" stage of my life is passed, and I am now in the "grandfathering" stage.  My "fathered" stage is way back in the rear view mirror.  I have already mourned the "fathered" stage of my life in the work I've done in the past on myself.  I've accepted that.  I need to more fully mourn the loss of missed parenting opportunities.

Still driving toward my office, I realized that the person that took everything heard over the various pulpits of my Church at face value has also gone away.  As I have been in this process, it feels as if I have removed a comfortable security blanket; that complete certitude is gone.  I need to mourn that transition because I can never go back to where I was.  The blanket was warm; but not really conducive to the path God has me traveling.

As I approached the parking structure of my office, I suddenly realized that I am in the process of feeling the loss of being completely accepted by some of my extended family.  I know that they still love and care deeply for me, but I am now different from them in their eyes, and I can't go back to being what they thought I was.  I need to mourn that loss.

In all of these transitional aspects of my life, I feel that I am no longer in denial.  I occasionally feel some anger, but it is minimal.  There is no negotiating to be done; I've never done much negotiating.  But there is occasionally some profound sadness and some hurt.  I do see acceptance on the horizon, but there needs to be more grieving, more processing.  I need to feel my feelings as I make this journey toward accepting these transitions.  However, to quote myself, sometimes "it's a rum go, guvnah!"

Old and New Friends

Sometimes events just happen like they were meant to.  I had one of those recently.  It had to do with renewing a very old friendship and making a new friend.  Somehow it felt orchestrated, choreographed.

It all started when I connected on Facebook with a school friend from West High School days.  Ray Tracey had been a Navajo exchange student from New Mexico at West.  He also attended BYU and while there had started acting.  He starred in some short movies and a full-length feature called Joe Panther.  He moved to the LA area trying to establish his acting career, and while there appeared in some TV shows and got a gig appearing on a TV show starring Robert Wagner and Stephanie Powers called Hart to Hart.  

He returned to New Mexico and once again became involved in making Indian jewelry that his grandfather had made.  His father, by the way, was a World War II a Code Talker trainer, those Navajos who communicated in a way that was never broken by Axis forces. 

Ray has been creating beautiful Indian jewelry for over 30 years.  One can see his wears at traceydesignsinc.com, and it was his jewelry business that brought him to Southern California, and specifically to Pasadena, to participate in a craft show.

I found out on Facebook about the Show and decided to go see him.  It didn't take long to find his booth, but for about a half hour, there were always people speaking with him.  I noticed a couple of older people that were speaking with him and had stayed for about ten minutes.  I realized that I couldn't continue to wait and so I sauntered up to the booth from an angle. "Bob Davis," he cried out.  "You haven't changed a bit.  I could have picked you out in a crowd."  

We chatted for a minute or so, renewing our friendship, and then he introduced me to two older people.  One was a man my age who looked familiar named David Stark, and the other was an 88-year old woman named Jane Withers.  I was told that their connection had been on the episode of Hart to Hart that they both had been participants, and that Jane and taken a liking to Ray.  She was there to see him, as I had done.

The four of us talked non-stop for about 45 amazing minutes.  Jane was full of stories about her career, but showed interest in both Ray and me, anxious to learn what Ray was up to, and to get to know me.  She commented that she liked my eyes and that they appeared to show that I was a "good person." 

Prior to my appearance, Jane and Ray had decided to go out to dinner the next day, but because she seemed taken with me, she invited me to attend as well, if it was okay with Ray, which it was.  I was speechless, but then recovered and said that I thought I could but needed to check with my wife. After I left, and after I had spoken with my wife, I phoned Ray and we finalized the date, and Ray thought that it was fine if my wife came. 

The dinner discussion was incredible!  Between Ray and I occasionally talking about old memories and our present lives while Jane talked with others, Jane modestly talked about her long life and the lives of many Hollywood notables and famous people whom she had come to know.  Among others she spoke of and told stories about:

W.C. Fields, Gregory Peck, Shirley Temple (with whom she had co-starred in "Bright Eyes)," James Dean, Jimmy Stewart, Rock Hudson, and President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Her career started at age 2 1/2, in 1928, and had lasted into the 21st Century in which she did voice over work.  As a child actor, she was making $1000 per week in the 1930's, a lot of money back then, and with the concurring advice of her father, purchased five acres of land in Beverly Hills at the age of 9 1/2.  For people of my generation, she likely was best known as Josephine the Plumber in Comet Cleanser commercials in the 60s.  

We ate and talked at the dinner table for about two hours, and then it was time to go.  It just seemed providential to meet Jane Withers and reacquaint myself with Ray.  If I hadn't waited to speak with Ray, I likely never would have met Jane.  If I hadn't reconnected with Ray on Facebook, I never would have been able to renew our friendship.  Too many coincidences for them to be coincidences!