Trying to Understand My Thoughts and Feelings About Same-Gender Attraction

In a previous post last year, I wrote about my feelings with regard to how people in faith communities respond to people who decide to attend their churches that may not look or act (or smell) like they do.  I also talked in that same posting about those who are brave enough to attend who may be homosexual and how important I feel it is to love them unconditionally.

A recent posting was indirectly about homosexuality as well, about how misunderstood I felt as a supporter of Proposition 8 in California and how some in that community or those who actively supported that community were condemning me for being judgmental of them when they in fact were being judgmental of me.

I desire to return to the topic of homosexuality, and how I am attempting to reconcile my beliefs about the LDS Church’s doctrine with my support of the LDS Gay and Lesbian community.  I have thought much about this topic, and while I try to understand what I think about it, I wanted to write about it to challenge myself and to help crystallize those thoughts.  

I read with great sorrow some recent posts by a fellow LDS blogger, Mitch Mayne, who is an openly gay member of the LDS Church.  He transcribed some of his interviews with members of the Church who have come out but who still are still attempting to cling to their faith and belief in the Church.  They describe the utter turmoil of their situations, of how difficult it is to feel misunderstood by those to whom they have looked for leadership and ideally, for Christ-like unconditional love.  Their stories and their lives have affected me greatly.  I was able to sense their profound pain.  I invite you as well to read their stories at mitchmayne.blogspot.com.  I also would invite you to watch the stories of some gay and lesbian students at BYU who have produced a You Tube video that can be seen at the following URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym0jXg-hKCI. 

Gay and Lesbian Students at BYU

I was likewise affected by a recent blog entry on the Huffington Post.  It was written by a non-LDS reporter who attended a conference in Virginia recently.  The conference was sponsored by “Circling the Wagons,” a group of members of the LDS Church who have been affected by homosexuality and who are having difficulty maintaining their faith in the Church.  I will sometimes go to the Huffington Post website to look at stories about Mormons, and imagine my surprise when upon reading the blog entry I realized that the blogger/reporter was quoting Katy Adams, the daughter of our dear friends, the Birrells, who have a gay son whom I love. 

Mitch, Katy and Friend

Even though the Church reversed its policy in 1978 allowing all members of the Church regardless of race or color or ethnicity to hold the Priesthood, I do not see the Church ever sanctioning marriage between two men or two women, just as I do not see the Church ever sanctioning women to hold the priesthood.  I understand that “ever” is a long time, but to sanction same sex marriage and women holding the priesthood seems to fly in the face of Church doctrine.  Not allowing blacks to hold the Priesthood was policy, not doctrine, to the best of my knowledge, even though some Church leaders treated it as doctrine.  When the policy changed, all discussion ended among Church leaders and all embraced it.   I just don’t see that happening with this issue.

Leaders of the Church have been clear in stating the doctrine that sexual relations outside of marriage, be they heterosexual or homosexual, are a sin, and if someone violates this law of chastity, “they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others [heterosexuals] are” (Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 1998, 71).   In the same General Conference talk, President Hinckley stated, “To permit such would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of God-sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families.” 

Elder Holland

The Apostle whom I love and regard as being as loving a man as I have ever known, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, has written, “First, let’s be absolutely clear on what God wants for each of us.  He wants us to have all of the blessings of eternal life.  He wants us to become like Him. To help us do that, He has given us a plan.  This plan is based on eternal truths and is not altered according to the social trends of the day.”

“At the heart of this plan is the begetting of children, one of the crucial reasons Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden (see 2 Nephi 2:19-25; Moses 5:10-12).  They were commanded to “be fruitful, and multiply” (Moses 2:28), and they chose to keep the commandment.  We are to follow them in marrying and providing physical bodies for Heavenly Father’s spirit children.  Obviously, a same-gender relationship is inconsistent with this plan.”

Even if in the coming years the ban against same-gender marriage is 

overturned by the courts and declared unconstitutional, I do not envision that prompting a change in such basic doctrine.

I know that this is a “wintry” doctrine for my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters within the Church.  I feel it (as much as a straight can).  However, I believe in the doctrines of the Church with all my heart (I choose not to have faith in only those doctrines I fully comprehend and understand—but to have faith in all of them) and I particularly have an abiding testimony of the Plan of Salvation as preached by the leadership of the Church.  I just don’t think that doctrine can change.

What I do believe can change and needs to change, and hopefully will change sooner than later, is a Church-wide, consistent but loving policy of how leadership handles believers who happen to experience same-gender attraction.  There are too many stories of rigid Church leaders who seem to be more interested in what they perceive as keeping the Church pure than in being loving shepherds of His sheep.  There is inconsistency in how same-gender attraction is handled because there are, to the best of my knowledge, no specific guidelines in the Church’s Handbook used by leaders worldwide.   One church leader will come down hard on a struggling gay man or lesbian woman who experiences feelings of same-gender attraction and call a disciplinary court and excommunicate them, while another will diligently try to work with the angst-filled member and extend his own personal caring and love.

I know about this type of inconsistency in leadership in dealing with those who struggle with sexual issues because of my continuing work in the Church’s Addiction Recovery Program.  I hear stories that horrify me about some rigid Church leaders who seem to be completely emotionally barren and sound like they have their own issues, and then hear other stories about men who are truly listening and seeking to lift and love the struggling persons that come to them for love, caring, and understanding.

Not so long ago, I believe that the unwritten thought within the Church and among leaders was that leadership should guide those feeling same-gender feelings to just get married to someone of the opposite gender and that the feelings would go away.  More recently, I believe the idea was to direct such people to programs which would challenge their beliefs of only being attracted to same gender individuals.  The former is foolhardy and just plain wrong, while the latter seems to me to be simplistic.

Although a leader may have negative feelings towards a gay or lesbian, he needs to make every attempt to put his negative personal feelings, his personal discomfort about homosexuality, way in the background.  What he should do is to try to emulate what Jesus Christ would do with the individual in front of him: show unconditional love.  It is his responsibility to try to understand, to feel the pain, to feel the possible confusion.  In other words, he needs to truly listen and care.  He should not have a preconceived notion to punish and keep his flock pure.  He should not withdraw either, but should try to engage this sheep of his flock as the Good Shepherd would do. 

There may be occasions where the law of chastity has been violated, and when that occurs, the leader can still show love and caring towards the individual.  In many cases, these souls have testimonies, have faith in the doctrine, and want to feel God’s love.

Mitch Mayne shared the following important points in his talk at the Circling the Wagons Conference regarding being loving to those who are not straight but who have faith and a testimony and want to worship alongside straights, 

“When it comes to LGBT members, this creates a safe space for all to walk in our doors, just as they are, without fear of persecution or retribution. It enables them to genuinely feel that they have a home here, and allows them to grow and develop as equal children of our Father.”

He then brings up another way of looking at our non-straight brothers and sisters, a concept he has discussed with me and that I wholeheartedly embrace.  He remarked, “There is very likely a test wrapped up in all of this, for there is undoubtedly a reason that some of us are gay and lesbian, while others are not. But what if the test, really, is not being given to gays and lesbians, but through gays and lesbians? What if we are actually the vehicle through which the test is being delivered? And the test, then, is not for us at all—but for you--our heterosexual brothers and sisters?”

“That would mean, then, that the test might really be this:  Will you, straight brother or sister, lend us equality? Will you view us as your peers, your equals? Will you move past your own fear and prejudice and genuinely show Christ-like love and compassion to a segment of society that, for whatever reason, appears to be the least of these in this sphere?”

“Or, will you shun us? Will you persecute us? Will you force us to choose between God and Gay, because that is what makes you comfortable? Will you compel us to choose between the faith we call home—and walking this earthly path with a companion we love?”

“Which will you choose? How will you perform on your test?”

I am committed to performing well on my test.  I am committed, to love these sons and daughters of God who as such are my spiritual brothers and sisters.  I am committed to being their advocate and a straight ally.  I am committed to lovingly educate my straight brothers and sisters and leaders, if given the opportunity, about this test.  I am committed to love my fellow man as the Savior would have me do.  If my Church is in fact the Church of Jesus Christ, and I know that it is, then we as members and leaders need to truly be “willing to take upon ourselves His name” by “always remembering Him” through our actions.  It is a continuing transition that needs to occur within the hearts of all believers.