The Importance of Emotional Connection

In the world of psychotherapy in which I live, my specialty is in dealing with aspects of sexual addiction.  Since I have been living in this sphere for nearly seven years, I have learned a number of truths about its causes, its precursors, its emotions, its lies and deceptions. One truth that makes perfect sense once it is understood and embraced, is the inability for one battling addictive tendencies to be emotionally connected to another.

To be clear, my experience has been almost exclusively, but not entirely, with heterosexual people.  But the truth is neither a homosexual nor a heterosexual issue.  It is about the difficulty of connection, and that spans all orientations.  Such a connection, or lack of such, is a telling sign in sexually addictive behavior.  The lack of emotional connection is not just a problem in the sexual realm either.  Much of what follows is relevant for most any kind of addictive behavior, be it anger, codependency, self-justification...anything!

Sexually addictive behavior is any sexual behavior with self or another that someone has unsuccessfully attempted to stop and which has caused problems with self or another's life. To call someone a full-on "addict" is a high bar for me, and those with whom I work are rarely in that state.  Nearly all who sit in front of me definitely have sexually addictive tendencies, but for the purposes of this discourse, I will call them "addicts."

It has been my experience that early on, for many during puberty, that the addict has some difficulty in connecting with others. There are a multitude of reasons for such difficulty, but the reality is that such an inability to connect with another at its core is an inability to connect with one's self.  

If the addict doesn't know and understand who he or she is, because it hasn't been modeled for them, because they have been raised in variations of rigid or unstructured families, because parental figures or siblings have tried to define them instead of allowing them to define themselves, or because of many other dysfunctional reasons, relationships will be difficult for the addict, either with the same or opposite gender.

If they are too vulnerable, they see people making fun or taking advantage of them.  If they hide behind an emotional wall to protect themselves, they get comfortable there because that place makes them feel safe.  For some, they project the pain onto others and become aggressive to avoid feeling the inner pain, and wall up their feelings.  For others, they turn inward and become isolated, which is often accompanied by anxiety or depression--or both. Relationships become a problem.

When there has been particular physical, emotional, or particularly, sexual abuse, the ability to relate in a healthy way to others is decreased or goes away completely.  They feel they cannot afford to trust anyone and they see the world as a particularly dangerous place filled with dangerous people. 

As a young person who has started to engage in sexually addictive behavior to take care of himself or herself as a means to survive, often in dysfunctional ways. They can easily turn to sex, probably with themselves, and especially if they're not socially adept.  It can make them feel free and good about themselves, if only for a moment.  And it can come through every time, as opposed to messy relationships with parents, siblings, friends, or others.  It becomes a pseudo friend--always reliable, always there, never a hassle.

It becomes much easier to use sex to feel good, to fill the emptiness. And as with other poor coping stategies or behaviors like taking drugs or drinking alcohol, the sexual addict begins to meet with the "friend" more often.  In many cases, what made them originally feel good as they act out, the result of the release of brain chemicals--a "dopamine banquet,"will not make them feel "good enough," and they will require more stimulation--more dopamine. Sometimes, the sexual acting out behaviors can devolve into an addiction.

So what can be done?  One cannot just decide that they are going to be connected tomorrow.

To begin, a person has to realize that there is a problem of sexually addictive behavior, if not full blown addiction.  That can be a terribly scary realization.  Admitting that takes courage.  But it takes even greater courage to face fear and do something about it.  For some, the timing isn't right, or they simply are too comfortable where they are, in spite of how bad their lives have become.  In the addiction recovery world, that reality is expressed thusly:

When the pain of addiction is greater than the pain of recovery, the addict will seek recovery.  But when the pain of recovery is greater than the pain of addiction, the addict will stay in addiction.

Taking a risk to become vulnerable with another takes the greatest courage of all.  It starts with a willingness to be just a little vulnerable, peeking from behind the emotionally safe wall which acts as both protection--keeping people out, and prison--keeping the person in.

It is not an all or nothing vulnerability.  Thinking of vulnerability as being in degrees can be helpful.  In other words, a person can make the choice to be a little vulnerable with a safe someone, not a person or group which has made someone feel badly in the past or with some family or friends where there is a history of emotional tension.

The person attempting to be a little vulnerable must not think of the negative event or situation as being all or nothing. They can realize that the timing may not have been right. They can realize that they may have revealed too much about themselves and may have overwhelmed the other person. They can realize that while a situation may not have produced the desired outcome, they can learn from it, and have hope for the future.  They can realize that they will live to see another day.

As successes occur in safer environments, the next step is to courageously begin to become a little vulnerable with those whom we have considered dangerous.  Again, the challenge is to not get caught up in the catastrophy, the all or nothing thinking.  The challenge is to realize that this is a journey and that events are not always going to turn out the way they had been envisioned.  If it has taken the person X amount of years developing bad connections and bad habits, it is going to take some time for those to begin to disappear.  Learning to when and with whom to be vulnerable takes time.

Another less risky intention can be to begin the process of strengthening, if not finding and nurturing, same gender relationships.  The idea is to stregthen those which may have existed in the past, or to look for places or environments where someone can find same gender possibilities.

Almost always, when as a therapist I ask someone who has sexually addictive behaviors how many same gender friends they currently have in their lives, they will often say none, or perhaps one. This same gender friend cannot be a drinking buddy or casual acquaintance. That they say they have none does not come as a surprise.  If they are in a partner/spousal relationship, they are usually incapable of emotionally connecting with them as well.

Taking time to reconnect with people of the past, or making time to seek out same gender connections in group settings or faith settings, is a safe way to learn better how to connect. In this safe environment that lacks sexual tension, it is easier to begin to be more vulnerable. Hopefully, but not always, the new friend reciprocates, and connection can begin to thrive. It takes an investment of time, and maybe a little money, but it is well worth the investment.

Usually, as a person in emotional connection recovery develops these nourishing and satisfying same gender relationships, the sexual addicting out behaviors begin going away. Why?  Because they are nurturing themselves and their emotions in a safe, even joyful way. The temporary thrill they got from sexually acting out is countered by the long term satisfaction of a healthy relationship.  

My Quixotic Quest -- LGBT and Religious Conservative Empathy

This posting is my attempt to process my thoughts and feelings as a result of the SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the United States) ruling regarding so called same-sex marriage for the United States.  I knew that the ruling was inevitable but I felt the need to roll it around inside me and then blog about it here.  As stated in other postings, this blog is where I finally focus and write what has come into focus for me.

Those of you who have kept up with "Red In Transition" or have looked at older entries know of my heart relative to Mormons and my LGBT brothers and sisters.  As someone who participated in getting members of my Glendale 7th Ward to participate in the passage of Proposition 8 in California which attempted to give voice to those who felt the California Constitution should define marriage as between a man and a woman, I have changed my mind and my heart and have supported the right of same-gender individuals to be married.  

However, I remember well my thoughts and feelings and those of many like-minded individuals, and I wish to write about what I consider to be the drama that exists between these two communities where I existed and still exist, with the desire to offer a bridge of understanding between them.  I recognize that I am a voice crying in the wilderness, but I don't mind this quixotic attempt. It is not unlike the quixotic therapeutic work that I do with couples.

In that counseling/therapy work, I usually encounter a partner that readily points an accusing finger at the other partner.  Often, catastrophizing occurs.  In other words, accusatory words like "always" and never" are used to describe the behavior of the other, with references to heartless attitudes and actions. The accuser, while not perfect, is in the right, while the accused can do no good.  The issues appear to be very black and white, with very little gray or nuance.  

Sitting in front of such a couple, I observe one partner essentially playing the role of a victim and accusing the other of playing the role of persecutor. The roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer are roles articulated in what is known as the Karpman Drama Triangle. (See my earlier posting about the Drama Triangle)  

When I introduce this principle to a couple, or to each of them individually, I ask them if they enjoy drama in their lives and marriage.  If they don't, then I challenge them to recognize the role(s) they might be playing, and to then attempt to change their own behavior as they recognize a role they might be assuming.  To put it another way, the object of the Drama Triangle is to recognize one's own complicity in it and to refuse to play a role.

In the Drama Triangle, victims need persecutors (and rescuers), and perscutors (and rescuers) need victims.  If one refuses to act in one of the roles, it wonderfully removes the power of the one in the opposite role.  It is the only way to really change to behavior of the other partner--by changing themselves.

Interestingly and sadly,  people or groups who see themselves as victims can quickly and easily assume a role of persecutor, often without knowing they are doing so in the moment.  If the victim sees himself/herself as being taken advantage of, it is easy to place the other partner on the defensive, thus assuming a persecuting role.  And around and around the victim and persecutor go.

Regrettably, people often prefer to play a role.  It suits their personalities and their agendas.  The status quo can be very comfortable and known, and it is far easier to focus on the issues of the partner rather than looking at their own issues. They prefer drama.

It appears to me that Drama Triangle roles are currently being played by the LGBT community and by faith communities, speaking generally.  To wit, there is much drama being played out by both camps in many types of media.  For the LGBT community, it is historical victimhood.  It is not difficult to bring up historical and even some current examples of heterossexual privilege, examples of hypocrisy, examples of private and public persecution.  My point is not to dismiss these examples; there have been many who have assumed the role of persecutor of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people.

For those faith-based, conservative communities, in the ruling of the SCOTUS regarding taking the rights of states to regulate same-gender marriages and what arguably can be seen by them as a redefinition of what is marriage, they see themselves as victims, and the LGBT community as persecutors.  For these "traditional" or conservative people, the world is going to hell and Sodom and Gomorrah has nothing on the USA in 2015.  My point is not to minimize their genuine fear and bewilderment; if I am feeling this way, I very much feel victimized.

My quixotic attempt in this posting is to challenge each group to move past the role of victim, whether it be recent or historical.  Victims need persecutors to exist, and I am challenging each to challenge the status quo and not be victims or persecutors.  As I stated previously, the only way to change the conversation is for each group to change themselves. Turning swords into plowshares is a way to find commonality and understanding.    


I see people of good will of both communites sitting down and finding areas of agreement.  I see people coming from behind walls of fear and security and attempting to be vulnerable and real with one another, enabling there to be some empathy.  I see each group sharing common humanity.  I see people embracing the golden rule.  I see people showing respect and concern for each other.  I see people realizing that life is too short to be spent in drama, and refusing to play any dramatic roles.

For those of my faith in both communities, I see us emotionally if not physically embracing one another.  I see us espousing the values the Christ taught while on the earth.  I see us "trying to be like Jesus and following in His ways."  I see us looking at each other as the children of God that we are. 

Please take time to read this Op-Ed piece published in the July 11th edition of the Salt Lake Tribune. This is exactly what I am talking about and what I am proposing! 

Op-ed: Start a conversation with someone on the other side of LGBT debate

By Erika Munson

When the Supreme Court announced its decision legalizing same-sex marriage, the national media's declarations that life in the United States had changed overnight quickly became, in my opinion, a tired cliché. Such oversimplification ignores both the generations of LGBT activists who have worked long and hard for their civil rights and conservative Americans whose deep disappointment and concern will not vanish in a sea of rainbow flags.

It would be nice to think that the rancor is over, that all is forgiven on both sides, but in a free society it doesn't work that way. Humanity doesn't effortlessly glide from paradigm shift to paradigm shift. Whether you celebrated or lamented the Obergefell v. Hodges decision, there is work ahead to do. Under these new circumstances each Utahn has to figure out how to productively and joyfully live, work, and raise their family in a community that won't always agree on some pretty basic principles.

Now that same-sex marriage is the law of the land, we have the opportunity to move away from often polarizing debate around a specific issue and toward a deeper understanding of how sexual orientation, gender identity and religion work in our lives and the lives of our neighbors.

What lies beneath such statements as "love is love" or "marriage is ordained by God"? Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt explores this terrain when he compares the moral foundations of liberals and conservatives. Over years of cross-cultural research, Haidt has identified values that the two groups share and where they diverge.

It should be no surprise to anyone that care for those in need, liberty from oppression and the idea of fairness rank high on the list of moral foundations important to people of all political and religious inclinations. We saw this at work last March when the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and LGBT advocates came together in support of Utah's historic nondiscrimination legislation.

But research also shows that conservatives don't stop there. Just as important to them as care, fairness and liberty are loyalty to the group, respect for authority and sanctity. Too often, the left characterizes these last three as products of fear or superstition — not moral foundations at all — yet for the right a moral code is incomplete without them. It is this conflict that can keep us in our respective corners.

But there is a way out. We need to learn how to ask questions and listen empathetically to each other with an ear tuned to these moral foundations: "Tell me what justice means to you." "How does the counsel you receive from your religious leaders work in your life?" "When do you connect with the transcendent?"

But where to begin? These weighty topics are hard to broach across the fence to a neighbor you don't know very well. Start by cultivating relationships in your community the old-fashioned way: a barbecue, a baby shower, a playdate. If you want your values, your choices to be understood, you have to show a willingness to learn about those of others. Challenge yourself to find the people you think are the most different from you — be it the activist lesbian mom or the straight-laced Mormon dad and get to know them. Sit next to them at the soccer game. Ask them to volunteer at school. Be interested in the life of their family.

In 1855, the poet Walt Whitman wrote:

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

Utah is a state that is famous for tea party Republicans and a conservative religion, but its capital was also voted "America's Gayest City" by the Advocate magazine and has the highest percentage of same sex couples raising children. We certainly defy cliché and we often contradict ourselves, but as a result we have the chance to be a model to the nation for respectful, inclusive, community-building.

We are large Utah, we contain multitudes. Let's start talking.

Erika Munson is a mother, grandmother and English teacher from Sandy. She is the co-founder of Mormons Building Bridges, a community devoted to making LDS homes and congregations places where LGBT/SSA individuals can thrive.