Boundaries: A Review

My work with couples has shown me that boundaries are completely necessary in this the most important of all interpersonal relationships. When I talk about boundaries, some people think of them as a way to control their partner's behavior.  Others think of them in terms of punishment for their partner.  Neither of these ideas could be farther from the truth.

Boundaries are to protect ourselves.  Melody Beattie, in defining what are boundaries in her book Beyond Codependency, frames boundaries in this way:

"It's a decision to tell someone he or she cannot use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract. {It's a decision] to tell them they cannot abuse us, or otherwise invade or infringe on us in a particular way."

Like national, state, or even home property territories, boundaries define the territories of our body, mind, emotions, possessions, even our spirits.  They define the territory of "me."  They are why I end and you begin.

Regrettably, many of us don't understand "me." That can be the result of living for others and meeting their needs instead of our own.  It can be the result of being swallowed by the personality, the will, and character of caregivers and friends from our past.  It can be the result of a lack of self-awareness.  It can be a refusal to take care of ourselves.

Sometimes, we don't immediately know what hurts and what feels good. We may not know what are our rights.  Sometimes, because we have neglected ourselves for so long, we find it difficult to know where we end and others begin.  And sometimes, we may feel shame every time we even consider establishing such a thing as a boundary. 

Step 2 in the Twelve Steps talks about "insanity."  Those without boundaries seem to have a high tolerance for "insanity." This can manifest itself in a high tolerance for personal emotional and physical pain, hurt, and mistreatment.  It can be a constant state of craziness that has been going on for so long that it seems normal, that it is all we've ever lived with and know.  Unless someone points out that what is being experienced is insanity, how can we know what normal is when we don't know what really is normal?

As we begin the process of establishing boundaries, it can be challenging.  It can be virgin territory where we have never walked, and as such, can be daunting and even scary.  But recognizing that it is a process allows us to make mistakes and to know that we are at least attempting to change who we are or have been.  It is a skill set, and as such, it will develop with practice.

The process optimally begins with relationships in our lives that are not deeply personal, such as with collegues at work or at Church.  As with setting boundaries regardless of with who or where, it optimally begins in a non-emotionally charged environment.

For example, someone at your church may ask you to take on a responsibility.  Your initial thought may be to accept it.  But if you are struggling with a toddler or two or three at home, and your spouse is unable or unwilling to support you in your domestic responsibilities, it is both appropriate and good for you to state in a calm setting something to the effect of "I'd like to accept it but I just am unable to do it at this point.  Maybe later on ...."

In this example, you are taking care of yourself, which may be somewhat foreign to your experience.  You may feel guilt or shame for not accepting, but you are taking care of you.  And as you take care of you, your self-confidence and self-esteem will increase. You will develop better ideas as to what is appropriate for you and what isn't.

The process inevitably leads to more intimate relationships, especially when done with partners. While more challenging and certainly more difficult with them, boundaries are very necessary and important.  

For example, a partner may habitually nag the other about performing a specific behavior.  Assuming that the partner being nagged would perform the behavior if they physically or emotionally could, a boundary could be established in a calm, non-emotionally charged moment by stating something like "I have been feeling overwhelmed at work, and I just cannot face this right now. I need for you to extend some grace to me for awhile. Let's talk about this next weekend, and see where I am." (Giving partners a time frame to brings some kind of closure is always a good thing!)

If there is emotional or physical abuse taking place, the boundary could look like this: "you can choose to raise your voice and yell at me.  But I can choose to not be abused and I can walk out of the room, and I will."  This is not about one partner controlling the other or telling them what to do.  It's about thinking enough about one's self to take care of themselves by not allowing another to abuse them.  And it's about doing it in a concise, non-angry way.  

In review, then, setting boundaries is about the process of learning to take care of ourselves, no matter with whom the difficulty or discomfort is.  It is about defining what we believe we deserve and don't deserve, about what we want and need, like or dislike, and feeling okay with those decisions.  It is about coming to the place where we feel we have the right to take care of ourselves and to be ourselves, and not feeling fear or shame when we do take care.

It is definitely not about controlling others.  It's about coming to know who we are and embracing those truths--the process of becoming our true selves.

Understand, however, that partners and others may not take kindly to the new you.  The following are some possible outcomes:

• you cannot take care of your feelings and another person's feelings
• you will be tested as to your sincerity and belief in your boundary
• your partner or another may feel angry or rage
• your partner may complain or whine (the last two outcomes are good clues that a boundary or boundaries needed to be set!)

As a wise person once stated when talking about the decision to do a difficult task, "if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you probably ought to do it; if it makes you feel comfortable, you probably ought not to do it."

A word of warning: Boundaries ought not to be established if the person setting them does not intend on following through.  In the partner example above, if the partner being abused does not intend to leave the room, to follow through, it is probably better not to set the boundary in the first place.  It was likely a feeble threat or attempt to manipulate. It means that the person setting the ill-fated boundary has more work to do on their journey to self-respect and self-love.  But that's okay!

Setting boundaries helps to increase self-worth and self-esteem. As we increase in loving and caring for ourselves, our ability to set boundaries increases.  And as we set more boundaries, our self-worth and self-esteem continue to grow, and so on. You get the picture!