The Year in Review -- 2014

As 2014 comes to a close, I wanted to review this eventful year.  It many memorable events and people, and since this is a blog/journal of my life, it seems appropriate to now look back with words and some pictures:

• One blog became three.  I have successfully launched a second and third blog, although the spiritual one--redashisdisciple--has seen few postings as of late.  But in 2015, I will be keeping a new Book of Mormon journal on this blog.  This blog is mainly for posterity and doesn't get many visits.  The professional one--redmft--has come to be the default blog to which I refer clients.  This blog was created to keep stuff of my personal blog--redintransition--separate from my professional blog, and while some of my writings ends up on both, the professional one does not contain really personal musings.

• Multiple trips to the Huntington.  Since becoming members of this Edenic place, my wife and I spent hours walking about the grounds, seeing exhibits--including the newly expanded Chinese Garden area, and enjoying God's creations.  I always feel exhilirated after visiting this beautiful area.

• Attending BYU Volleyball games here in Southern California.  This was the year that BYU should have won the NCAA tournament.  As it was, they lost in the semi-finals.  It was a big disappointment for me because their star player, Taylor Sander, was a senior.  Oh well.  I was able to attend a game (which BYU lost) at the Pyramid at Long Beach State with my son, BJ. And there is nothing like the adrenaline rush I feel when a BYU player makes a kill!

• Bringing a pet into our home.  My wife felt like it was important for her to own a pet and so we went to the Pasadena SPCA and brought home a young, toilet trained black cat she called Suki.  She can be very contented sitting on my lap.  Her purring is audible.  But she has a habit of biting.  One of the familiar refrains in our home is "no bite!!!"  Suki is a gender-confused cat because we use "she" and "her" pronouns even though Suki is a male.  Maybe that's why she/he bites!

• A new hobby begins: bonsai plants.  I have always wanted to try my hand at bonsai plants.  I have learned a lot through killing four of them.  But I have three thriving--two indoor and one outdoor.  Two of the outdoor plants died during a summer hot spell in which I was out of town and they didn't get watered for five days.  You have to always make sure to sufficiently water them and give them fertilizer.  I'm going to try taking care of more in 2015.

• We celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary on April 22.  Although we kind of kept things modest in terms of expenditures, I was pleased by the response I received from my wife when she viewed a video tribute to her which contained pictures of her, us, and our family through the years, set to Gordon Lightfoot's lovely ballad "Beautiful."  A good friend helped put it together and I am very proud of it.

• A mini-vacation to Central California.  Our friends, the Lees, invited us to tag along with them to Morro Bay to stay at the second home of the 1st Counselor of our Stake whom I know quite well but who had invited the Lees to stay there.  Morro Bay is a community north of San Luis Obispo, which is right on the ocean and is dominated by a huge rock in the bay, Morro Rock.  We explored this picturesque tourist town along with the surrounding communities of Los Osos, Cambria, and San Simeon, the latter being very near the spectacular Randolph Hearst Mansion.  While it was but a short time away, it was very enjoyable.

• My 60th birthday surprise.  My wife completely surprised me by flying us to Utah for about 24 hours to celebrate this birthday with family and friends.  We spent some of the day with my extended family, some of the day driving around the westside of Salt Lake City where I grew up, some of the day at the cemetary to visit my parents' graves, and some of the day at the Cabin with extended family and friends.  It was a fantastic trip and a very thoughtful gift from my bride.

• Coming out on this blog as an LGBT ally.  Those who have followed this blog know to some degree of my journey to reconcile my thoughts and feelings about homosexuality with the LDS Church's doctrine.  On June 1st, I wrote about the culmination of this journey on this blog and announced myself as an LGBT ally.  A number of my extended family and friends, as well as some members of the Glendale 7th Ward over which I presided as bishop from 2006 to 2009, took exception to my coming out, and I guess referred others to read it.  This posting has become my 2nd most read posting with over 500 looks.  I frankly was amazed that it caused such an uproar, and I decided to write a follow up posting to it, incorporating part of what I had written on the redashisdisciple blog earlier.

• The Paxman Family Reunion in Michigan.  What a great time I had with immediate and extended family in and around Rick & Amy Paxman's home in Saline, just outside of Ann Arbor.  We traveled with our grandson Isaac from So Cal who had spent some time with us prior, and met his mother Rebecca and his uncle BJ there.  Emily, Adam, Elizabeth and the Triplets drove from New Jersey, and Ann's sister Jill and her family met us there.  The only ones not in attendance were our son Doug and his boy Daniel, Rick and Amy's son Taylor who was serving an LDS mission in San Diego at the time, and Christopher, Jill and Richard Lin's boy who is serving a mission in Mexico.

          We played disc golf, canoed down the Huron River, attended 4th of July fireworks, swam in 

          lake near the Paxman home, and had a wonderful time hanging out together.  There is talk of 

          another one in a couple of years, perhaps out of the country.  We'll see!

• Another mini-vacation to Wrightwood in California's Angeles National Forest.  In trying to get away before Ann's school year began, I looked for a locale where we could do something fun and exciting.  I decided to build a little vacation around doing a zipline course near the Snow Summit ski resort just outside of Wrightwood.  I blogged about this trip, and the ziplining, which was really a stretch for me.  Besides that scary activity, we went hiking, ate a nice restaurants, and just kicked back for a short time.  The real scary activity was on the way there when I temporarily lost control of the car and sideswiped a guardrail.

• Attending the Affirmation Conference in Salt Lake City.  In an effort to learn more about the LDS LGBT community and to determine my comfort level at being around them, I decided to attend their conference.  I will admit to feeling a little apprehensive when I first arrived, but within a short time felt very much accepted and appreciated.  I saw great love, acceptance, and understanding, not to mention emotional pain from the "struggle."  It really came to me forcefully that these LGBT folks and the allies live with great cognitive dissonance and with ambiguity, realizing that they still want to be associated with an organization that means so much to them but which in its practice rejects them.  

• Doing humanitarian service.   After so many years, I was able to involve my ward in a humanitarian service project.  I was able to combine a food drive for the local chapter of the LA Food Bank (we gathered about 500 lbs.) with the production of 25 blankets for the local chapter of a national non-profit called Project Linus.  It felt good to contribute to the community and to get the Church unit I belong to involved in other than proselyting.

• I went deep sea fishing with my son BJ--again.  After at least 15 years, my son and I took the opportunity to go deep sea fishing.  We had originally gone as a way to connect as father and son, although he was in the beginning stages of his drug use that lasted so many years.  We decided to celebrate his nearly five years of sobriety by again doing something together like we had done.  He caught three and I caught four yellowfin tuna in the 13-15 lb. range, and we each finished with the limit of five each through the contribution of others.  All but one of the tuna were donated to BJ's Beacon House which had a great fish dinner of ceviche.

• Spending the holidays with Emily and Adam and their four children, plus Isaac.  The Adam Johnson family traveled from New Jersey, and Isaac traveled from Washington, to spend the holidays with us here in California.  Besides seeing wonderful Christmas lights, the family went to a couple of museums--including to see the Space Shuttle, spent a day at the beach before it turned cold, and just had a great time together as family.  Just before they fly back to New Jersey and to Washington, our sixth grandchild will be spending time with us.  That means that for a couple of days, we will have all six of our grandchildren in our home!

          I think that 2014 was quite a wonderful year, and I wonder what 2015 will bring!

The Dilemma of Homosexuality and Suicide

Elder Todd Christofferson's gay brother, Tom

Suicide is always a tough subject to talk about, particularly for faith-based folks. Because of the sacredness with which adherents treat human life, they usually believe that God gives life and takes it away, and only He has the right to determine when those events occur.  The idea that someone takes upon themselves the role of God and ends their life is a horrible concept for members to contemplate.

Suicidal ideation can occur when someone has chemical imbalances within their bodies.  Often, it comes as a result of severe depression, borne of feelings of hopelessness and being completely overwhelmed, unable to make sense of what life has dealt.  

I have been trained to listen for such profound negative feelings in my role as a psychotherapist. If someone is contemplating it and has a plan to carry out the act and the means to work the plan, I am legally and ethically mandated to take action to prevent it, and my values demand it.  Luckily, I have not yet been confronted with such a difficult challenge.

There is a chance, however, that I may yet be exposed to such a possibility in the future.  It may come from within the LDS community, and from among the youth of the LDS Church.  Such a possibility might come from a young man or woman who has wrestled mightily with their sexual orientation and desperately tried to reconcile it with LDS doctrine which seemingly proclaims with eternal finality that "God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

What can I say to such a young person who has wished and prayed that God would take their same gender attraction away, has dated members of the opposite gender to no avail, has gone without partaking of the sacrament (communion) out of feelings of unworthiness, has studies God's word in an attempt to finally feel at peace with God and themselves, and a whole host of other behaviors, and sits in front of me in utter despair? What can I say if they have already attempted suicide?

What can I say to such a young person who has been lectured by rigid, pious, parents and other family members about how sinful they should feel for their feelings?  What can I say to them after they have been lectured to again by ecclesiastical authorities, or been told by them to "just get over it" or "just date a girl/guy and those feelings will go away," and they haven't?  What can I say to them after they have been kicked out of their homes, having been called all kinds of pejorative names, and are being shunned by their own families?  What can I say to them when they have been gossiped about and ultimately shunned by members of their faith congregation who are not adhering to Christ's commandment to "love one another as I have loved you?"

It is said that inferences can often be misleading, but it is hard to ignore some statistics, such as the suicide rate amount men ages 15-24 in the state of Utah--the highest in the United States, and three times the national average.  In 2010, the suicide rate among Utah teens was the 11th highest in the nation, and suicide is the #1 cause of death among teens in the state.  Suicide statistics in the state of Arizona, another state with a significant LDS population, is unusually high among LDS.  It is reported that 40% of homeless teens in Utah are LGBT (gay and lesbian) and even if that percentage could be somewhat inflated, it speaks to a percentage of homeless teens being LDS.

I am pleased that the LDS Church has taken a leading role among Christian churches in calling for understanding and caring toward the LGBT community through the launch of the website called mormonsandgays.org.  It states the current policy of the LDS Church regarding LGBT, but also has realistic and thought-provoking statements and videos from LGBT people and Church leaders.  I am perplexed that Church leadership has failed to inform local Church leadership of this resource. They widely promoted the movie Meet the Mormons with bishops and stake presidents, but there has never been such a push for the mormonsandgays.org website since its inception, a valuable reference which could involve many people within the faith, both LGBT and their families, no small number, who struggle with this issue and with the Church's position.

Meanwhile, young people who do not feel safe coming out to family and friends, particularly friends in faith communities, will continue to attempt to reconcile what they know about their sexuality with the black and white doctrines in those communities.  They will continue to deal with feeling unsafe around people with whom they should feel the safest.  They will continue to pray for miracles in their lives.  They may look for a faith-based therapist who will not encourage them to "get fixed" but will listen with empathy, understanding, and without judgment, and who will help them attempt to live with the cognitive dissonance, the ambiguity of not having all the answers.  If they need someone like that, and they live in the Los Angeles area, I hope they find me.  

If you struggle, or know someone who does, or if you are a family member who feels overwhelmed by a loved one's same-gender attraction, let's talk.  You can contact me at my email account: robertedavismft@gmail.com.

I Am In The Process

For those who may not know, I have completed my 3000 hours of psychotherapy necessary for licensing and those hours have been approved by the State.  This means that I am eligible (and obligated) to take two tests by May 2015 to be licensed.

For those who may not know or have forgotten, I attended graduate school from 2007 to 2009, and graduated in May of 2009, one month before my wife received her educational doctorate from UCLA.  I graduated a few days before I turned 55.

While in graduate school, in my cohort (I was with the same group of students all four semesters) I was the second oldest.  In spite of my advanced age, I did rather well.  Other than one A- and one B+, I got straight As.  I believe that this miracle was due to a loving God, my dedication to my schooling, and the fact that I was serving as a bishop or pastoral figure during that time.  I was blessed.  

But it is now 2014, almost 2015.  Much of what I learned in school has disappeared into my obscure memory brain cells.  In other words, I have forgotten much.  However, some of what I learned has been reinforced in the ensuing years because of using some of those ideas in my work.  

The good news is that I have developed an expertise in dealing with sexual addiction, which was my specialty in graduate school and was the subject of my master's thesis.  The good news is that I have worked for the same entity since 2008, and entity whose major focus is to work with folks with sexually addictive behaviors and with spouses who have been affected by their addictions.  The good news is that I am an important part of their team in the Los Angeles area.  The good news is that because I am 60, people generally think that I know what I am doing! The good news is that I am getting referrals from current or past clients and from LDS bishops.

The bad news is that I have not worked in the public sector where one is exposed to a wider range of people with more serious and diverse psychological issues.  Nearly all of my clients are high functioning.  The bad news is that I am 60 now, and while I am gaining ever increasing experience in my chosen field,  my ability to keep important information needed to pass the tests is "deficient."

Knowing my challenges, I enrolled in an online (and on two occasions, live) courses that help people like me prepare for the exams.  It involves reviewing a "cliff notes" version of information that may be on the tests, and also taking practice tests.  By the way, the first licensing test, which takes four hours and is a 200 question multiple choice test, must be passed before taking the second one.

I am in the middle of extensive studying and test taking.  To be honest, I am struggling. My ability to recall seems somewhat impaired. I sometimes get discouraged, caught up in the here and now and not trusting in the process. (This is a truth that I share with my clients and which I need to continue to remember.)  But I believe that if I put in a lot of effort, God will do his part, and I ultimately will be blessed to pass these tests and become licensed.  (This is also a truth that I share with faith-based clients which I need to continue to remember.)

I made the decision to really cut down on extra-curricular activities during this preparation time, including with church callings and responsibilities.  The latter is being facilitated by my good friend, Kent Lee, who willingly is sharing my burden.  I am being supported greatly by my good wife as well who encourages me and is taking over household duties during this process.  It will be interesting to see how well I balance my time when my New Jersey family arrives in town on December 16th and stays with us until January 6th.

The reality is you may not see much on this blog for a time, although I want to continue writing somehow.  For now, I need all the warm feelings and prayers I can get to help me at this challenging time.