Central California Coast Mini Vacation - 2

I just could not stop taking pictures at Spooners Cove--so full of unusual geologic formations and crashing waves.

Can you see the five birds just above the water's horizon?

We were able to stay in the home at Morro Bay courtesy of our friends, the Lees.  Here is Kent standing on the uneven, rutted, rock surface.  He had no problems negotiating rocks, and even climbed up on one of them and thought of jumping.

Jump, Kent, jump!

North of Morro Bay and north of Cambria, a lovely town where we ate at the Black Cat Bistro and shopped, and just north of San Simeon, is a beach known as the Piedras Blancas Lighthouse Rookery.  It is the birthing place, rest stop, mating area, and molting place of literally thousands of elephant seals.  These seals are not adorable ones; in fact, they are the largest, and arguably the ugliest seals of the species, and the males are known by their long snouts--thus the name.  The lower picture shows a female cooling herself off by tossing sand on herself.  They were on the beach this day resting and molting.

Near the town of San Simeon is the spectacular set of buildings known as Hearst Castle.  The publsihing magnate of the early 20th century called this his "ranch", and called the hill on which it sits the Cuesta Encantada, or Enchanted Hill.  Politicians and movie stars frequented this amazing place. We took a tour in the evening (highly recommended) and were delighted by the many, many volunteers who sat or stood, inside and out, in 1920s or 1930s clothing, to give us a flavor of what it must have been like.

There are two wonderful swimming pools, one inside, and the outside one below.  It was drained for repairs.  The last of the three pictures was one of the numerous, elegant meeting rooms. Supposedly Mr. Randolph would lay out all of his publications on the floor of this room and read and make corrections.

This was a wonderful trip to an unknown area.  I loved its natural and man-made beauties and hope to come back again and again.  The Central Coast is just delightful.

I'm Almost 60?

I am fast approaching my 60th birthday on June 4th.  I am not sure how I will feel about this event.  I write on this blog not only as an historical document, but also as a way to process. I am sure someone will surely ask, "how does it feel to be 60?"  I will likely ask for clarification.  In what regard? Physically? Emotionally? That I am ready for the bone heap?

 I remember thinking in the distant past that 60 was the onset of "old age."  On one hand, when my parents were 60, they did seem old and were really seeming to slow down.  I had just gotten married and had given them the first of my contributions to their bulging grandchildren pool.  They seemed old like grandparents should seem.

On the other hand, my brother and sister whizzed past 60 and seemed full of energy and full of life.  My sis and her husband are well into their 70s and my bro and sister-in-law are approaching their 80s, and while they are finally starting to slow down, they're not slowing down very much.  They seem to be my most reliable indicators of what it is like to be aging gracefully and with much energy and gusto.

Physically, I will admit to occasionally waking up with some aches and pains (my back sure is stiff this morning).  I will admit to experiencing deteriorating eyesight and hearing (what?).  I will admit to lapses in memory at times (why did I come into this room?). I will admit to saggy flesh and less than toned body parts (Davis jowls).  I will admit to poorer handwriting (my hand starts hurting quickly).  I will admit to not needing as much sleep (who needs 8 hours?).  I will admit that my singing voice has more vibrato to it (the red-headed California warbler).  I will also admit to not as much neediness, if you know what I mean.

But I can still hike strongly and with vigor.  I can walk and run as much as I want to.  I still have all of my teeth and a thick head of red hair.  I can move furniture and boxes and work in the garden as well as I ever have.  Dancing with my sweetheart is no problem.  And I can borrow a lyric from the Broadway musical 1776. 

Emotionally I feel that I understand myself and the world around me moreso now than I ever have.  I feel that I have worked long and hard on eliminating my unresolved childhood issues, and I am experiencing great benefits as a result.  I feel that I have been learning from life experiences and am harvesting the lessons.  I feel much wiser than I did just a few years ago (whether I am actually wiser is arguable).  I feel more contented than I have ever felt.

I still feel emotinally like a child at times, and if you were to ask my wife, she might tell you that I sometimes act like one.  I have no problem interacting with my six grandchildren in person or on Skype, or being as silly as they can be.  Why I still retain many memories from my childhood!

It feels odd to admit to myself that I am on the cusp of retirement.  There are people my age who do not work for a living anymore.  It still seems at times like I am talking about someone else, someone much older, as I discuss retirement issues with our financial advisor.  At this moment, I don't see me working indefinitely.  Heck, I have been working since my first job at age 14.  I see myself working if I want, perhaps easing into retirement, but staying physically and intellectually active.  I see me being able to retire fairly comfortably from a financial point of view, barring unforseen negative circumstances.

 I will admit that having three of my four children in their 30s does make me feel old.  Never mind that I am a grandpa six times over.  It just seems like I was in my 30s, like it was just a few years back.  Where did the time go?

So how does it feel to be 60 years old?  A mixed bag, I suppose.  I am very excited about my future.  I have so much more of life to live, so many experiences to have, so many people and places I want to know, and I hope God grants me many more years.  I don't feel young, but I don't feel old!

Central California Coast Mini Vacation - 1

I recently went on a mini vacation to the Central Coast of California.  Going north from Los Angeles, along Highway 101, you encounter the towns of Santa Barbara and San Luis Obispo. Leaving Highway 101 and taking Highway 1, you find the town of Morro Bay.  Our friends, Kent and Kathie Lee invited us to spend time with them at a home in Morro Bay that belongs to a member of our Stake Presidency.

Using Morro Bay as a base of operations, so to speak, we spent time in Morro Bay, walking, kayaking, eating, and having a pleasant time, but also visited nearby towns.  We went south to Los Osos where we came upon Spooners Cove, a lovely and interesting geologic place.  We also traveled north to the town of Cambria where we ate a wonderful meal and did some shopping.

Still north of Cambria, we visited a stretch of beach where thousands of elephant seals congregate (I believe they are the largest in the seal family).  Not far from the seals is the famous Hearst Castle, built in the early twentieth century by Randolph Hearst, a publishing magnate, and we went on an evening tour there.  Besides seeing the wonders of this castle which Hearst called a "ranch," there were people both inside and outside of the buildings in period costume (1920s-1930s), giving it a sense of how it must have been.

Because this blog not only serves as a showcase for pictures I take, but also as an historical document, I wanted to share my trip.

Morro Rock in Morro Bay in the Morning

Another view of the Rock

Look closely at the seals on the dock on the right in the above picture and on the left of the picture below.  What a racket they made!

Yet another view with a slightly different hue

It was very interesting to me how "soft" the Rock looked early in the morning, and that as the day wore on and the sun got higher in the sky, it seemed to me that it became "hard."  You can see the slightly different hues of the Rock in the three pictures.  I just was mesmorized by this monolith and kept taking pictures on different days.

A little bit closer to the noisy seals!

The day after we arrived at Morro Bay, we found Spooners Cove, and after doing a little hiking nearby, we explored this fascinating place.

Looking down at part of Spooners Cove

Another part of Spooners Cove

Part of the wonder of the Cove is the geologic formations

See what I mean?

As I explored the geologic aspects of the Cove, I was continually fascinated.  I want to learn more about its geologic history and obtain greater understanding as to why these formations occurred as they did.  For me, it was pure wonder!

Wow!

More wow!

Still more wow!

So much texture

Not only were there such interesting formations on many of the walls and ground, but there were so many rocks that had washed ashore.  They were usually worn flat (great for rock skimming!) and varied in their compostion and color.  I took a few pictures of them because they fascinated me.

Skimmer rocks to last a lifetime!

The Drama Triangle - Part 1

Do you remember how dramatic you used to behave as a child when your caregiver told you it was time to go to bed?  Or when it was time to stop playing?  Or to clean your room?  The world was about to end!  

These dramas were in reaction to being flooded with emotion.  They were an emotional response to what others were thinking, saying, or doing because we weren't able to use logic to think through a situation.  They were an attempt to manipulate our caregiver's behavior.  

On a darker lever, we sometimes learned as children that the only way to get our needs met and to feel some sense of control in our young lives was to use drama to manipulate.  Our caregivers sometimes manipulated us, being flooded themselves with emotion, to meet their own needs.  Such caregivers lacked healthy boundaries for themselves, and would often disrespect the boundaries of others, including their children.

Such people ruled by their emotions and lacking healthy boundaries are by their natures very dramatic.  The same can be said for those who suffer from addictive behaviors.  Such emotion-focuesed people can often be called "drama queens."  They seem to thrive on generating or perpetuating drama.  Such people seek to create a drama "vortex" that can swallow those around them.

Years ago, Stephen B. Karpman published a work in which he introduced the concept of "The Drama Triangle."  He sought to identify roles played in emotional dramas, and narrowed the roles down to three:  Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer.

In The Drama Triangle,  there is "all-or-nothing" thinking and "all-or-nothing" language.  Phrases such as "you never" or "you always" or "my whole life" or "our entire marriage" are used by someone in The Drama Triangle, and are a pretty good indicator that one has indeed allowed their emotions to flood them and have assumed one or more Triangle roles.  Their intent is to pull others into the drama and seek control.

Regretfully, such "drama queens" have never learned more appropriate ways to get their needs met.  Sometimes they may not even know that they have assumed a role in the Triangle, and are not conscious that they intend to manipulate and control.  The interactions in the Triangle can be intense, including yelling and fighting, but can also be subtle and part of passive-aggressive behaviors.

To help identify the three roles of The Drama Triangle, let's look at each one.  Most often, as people read characteristics of the roles, they will see themselves as displaying behaviors in more than one role.  They may see themselves involved in all three at varying times.  Through identification of the elements of the Triangle, the hope is that a person can see themselves and others in the drama and begin the process of getting themselves out.

Victims

They usually believe that they need someone to think for them, to take care of them, and to solve problems for them.  Victims often act powerless and incapable, denying their own abilities.  They usually feel, or pretend to feel, defective and "worth-less."  They often feel picked on and that they aren't good enough.  Victims need a persecutor or a rescuer.

Rather than facing their lack of personal boundaries, they defer their responsibility to either a rescuer or persecutor.  By avoiding accountability for their actions, the victim ironically is able to feel more in control.  Victims can often use their role in the Triangle to manipulate and gain power over others, thus assuming a persecutor role.

Please note that the use of the term "victim" refers to a "state of mind" and not a person who has indeed been violated or abused in some way.  Somcone people feel legitimately victimized when in fact they have fallen into the Triangle.  This is particularly true if the victim stays stuck in their victimization and uses it to manipulate,  control, or to gain sympathy.  Victims need rescuers and persecutors, else why would they be victims?

Here are some sentences that describe some feelings and experiences of victims:

"I rely on people to make decisions for me."
"I hold in my anger until I feel ready to explode."
"When people try to help me, I think of reasons why it won't work."
"I have a tendency to blame others."
"I often feel unable or unwilling to handle difficulties."
"I'm not worthy of having good relationships."
"I act the role of martyr to get what I want."
"I find it difficult to speak up and assert myself."
"I often whine and complain about the way things are."
"I often feel in trouble."
"I feel like I can never please my partner."
"I feel my partner just doesn't understand me.

Rescuers

Often identifying themselves as helpers, fixers, and caretakers, rescuers are proud of what they are doing and believe in the rightness and goodness of what they're doing.  They do for victims what victims should do for themselves, enabling them to continue in their unhealthy behaviors.  Rescuers would like to believe that the victim will not make it without them, and as such justify themselves in staying in the "saving" role.

The truth is that Rescuers fear of being abandoned and attempt to make themselves indispensable to the victim.  They position themselves in a vertical, "one-up" position, which in reality is saying that the rescuer is stronger than, better than, smarter than, or more together than the victim, and a place of insecurity for the Rescuer.  

They project their own fears and insecurities onto the victim to avoid facing them.  It is a way to keep a sense of control.  They can also give themselves a sense of power over the victim by trying to make themselves very helpful--and even saintly.  This takes the focus from others off of them and their behaviors.  But they need a victim to rescue.


Here are some sentences that describe some feelings and experiences of rescuers: 

"I feel compelled to help others with their problems."
"I feel guilty if I don't take care of everyone's problems."
"I like to have people depend on me."
"I get offended if people don't appreciate how much I've done for them."
"I do for others what they can do for themselves."
"I'm in an unhealthy relationship with someone who has an addiction."
"I focus on others to avoid focusing on myself."
"I take on the burdens and responsibilities of others."
"I put everyone's needs before my own."
"I feel like my needs are not as important as others' needs."
"I feel unappreciated when I give and give and receive little in return."
"I feel superior to most of my friends and family."

Persecutors

Similar to rescuers who need someone to fix, the persecutor looks for someone to blame.  They deny that they have needs and deny that they have weaknesses.  Like rescuers, they shirk personal responsibility but instead focus on the weaknesses and/or problems of a victim.  Even though they likely have uncomfortable feelings in their own lives, they project their offensive, sarcastic, or even blunt remarks onto others.  They often spend time around people whom they feel justified in criticizing.

This dynamic gives the persecutor a sense of superiority and power, and are quite able at covering up their own behavior by preaching, lecturing, criticizing, or ridiculing the victim.  They can sometimes cover up their issues by being critical of them in others.

They are often known for bad moods, bad tempers, sarcasm, demeaning others, and being defensive.  Because they can be intimidating, they exercise control over others who would not dare confront them about their persecuting behavior.  But they need a victim to persecute.


Here are some sentences that describe some feelings and experiences of persecutors: 

"I often blame others for my problems."
"I lecture friends and family about their deficiencies."
"I verbally attack others."
"I tend to interrogate my spouse and children."
"I demand the respect of those around me."
"I often demonstrate passive-aggressive behavior."
"I often act like I don't care."
"I frequently make sarcastic remarks."
"I shame others for their mistakes."
"I like to feel a sense of power over others."
"I am very critical of those around me."
"I coach or manipulate my spouse, children, or co-workers to do things my way." 

Sadly, and somewhat ironically, some people enjoy drama.  Some people need drama for their disempowered. needy, selfish reasons of wanting and needing to feel important and needed.  At its core, taking up residence in The Drama Triangle is behaving in an immature way.  

People who live in the Triangle subconsciously tend to attract people into their lives who help them perpetuate the drama.  It makes them easier to stay within the role they've established for themselves.  It also makes it more difficult to move out of it.  Because if they try to get out of the drama, other people in it will often act out their own roles with increasing intensity in an attempt to pull the person back into the Triangle.

Once a person realizes what The Drama Triangle is and the role(s) that they sometimes assume in it, and begin the journey to extract themselves from it, they begin to feel empowered.  They begin to realize that they don't want or need it.  Introspectively, they see themselves and others assuming roles in it, and even begin to notice the drama in every day lives.  Recognizing it in ourselves and others is the important first step.