DAYS OF FUTURE PAST

It seems that most Christians look at this life as a way station, so to speak, in the journey to Heaven, and since this mortality is of a short duration when compared with eternity, we Christians tend to live our lives in the future.   This mindset usually allows the believer to deal with life’s challenges with hope because there is an expected reward in the next life for having maintained faith.   This mindset can cause the believer not to live in the present but in the future when a good life will be compensated.  This mindset usually challenges the believer to not indulge in today’s pleasures for tomorrow’s benefits.

This Christian mindset (especially the LDS mindset) also has the effect of causing the believer to feel regret for “mistakes” or sins.  It usually causes the believer to focus on what they haven’t been, what they’ve done wrong.  This mindset usually causes them to castigate themselves, to beat themselves up.  They usually become depressed because they can’t believe that God would love such a "sinner" and there is little or no hope for them.

This “future/past” mindset has been a part of me for most of my life, since I have been a Christian for all of my life.  I have historically accepted this future/past premise because it seemed logical, and it seemed to be inferred in the words of ancient and modern prophets that I have believed in.   I have looked at non-believers around me and have felt superior to them, for “they are enjoying the present but I will be enjoying eternity.”  “They’re going to pay for their sinful past.”  Those foolish people!

When I was studying to become a psychotherapist, I learned about different modalities that emphasized focusing on the “here and now.”  They seemed to be at variance with my future/past focus.  I thought, “How can you focus on right now AND on eternity?”  “Don’t they conflict?”  I hadn’t conceived of such a thing.  It had never been modeled for me in my upbringing.  It didn’t seem possible.  It even seemed anti-religious.

As the years have now gone by since those introspective graduate school days, I have had many opportunities to see the negative effects of a future/past paradigm.  As I have observed rigidly religious people grapple with tremendous anxiety for their future and regretful sadness or even depression about their past, I have realized the folly of my ways.  I have come to embrace a stance in which I give God or the Universe both my past mistakes and what I was or wasn’t, as well as my future, over which I have little to no control. (The traffic accident I am now recovering from is Exhibit One as to lack of control of my future.)

I cannot change the past.  It’s done and nothing can be done about it.  I cannot control the future, although I can make wise choices that can have positive implications for my future.   All that I can change or control is the present, the “here and now.”  I have come to realize that I can still be a believer and enjoy what is happening in my present.  I have also come to realize that God or the Universe wants me to experience happiness and joy right now.  I believe that it gives Him or the Universe great pleasure when we feel such positive emotions and feelings each day, and that He or the Universe does not want us to go about our lives regretful for the past and anxious about the future.  He or the Universe wants us to have joy as He/It feels joy.

So I am transitioning from a rigid, future/past paradigm, to a faith-filled “live in the present” paradigm.   I don’t experience ulcers as in the past.  I don’t beat myself up anymore.  I don’t worry what others around me are doing or are not doing.  I allow myself to be fine with who I am in November 2013, and I allow others that same privilege.  I take time to look into my wife’s eyes and feel love for who she is now, and feel her love for me as I am now.  I am grateful for this realization now, even if it took me many years and heartache to finally get it.  It has truly helped me to feel tremendous satisfaction and contentment—RIGHT NOW!

Blessings For Others and For Me

      Maybe it’s just my outlook on life.  Maybe I’m just getting more philosphical     in my advancing years. Maybe I just feel privileged to be alive.  But now that it has been nearly three weeks since the auto accident that could’ve taken my life, I feel the need to reflect on the blessings that I and others have received as a result of my misfortune.  This posting will be divided into two parts: the blessings others have received, and the blessings I have received. 

I want to thank so many folks who have sent warm wishes and thoughts to me in a variety of ways as well as those who have prayed   on my behalf and have placed my name on temple prayer rolls, something that LDS people do which accesses the faith and prayers of those attending the temple.   And most of all, I wish to thank God for preserving my life—again—and now for beginning the    process of healing my body.

OTHERS 

-    Given the opportunity to think about someone besides themselves

·    Given the opportunity to feel empathy or sympathy and thus be concerned about me, or the opportunity to be concerned that someone they know is concerned about me

·    Given the chance to offer service by sending cards, flowers, dinners, visiting me, or calling me

·    Given the chance to reflect on the fragility of life

·    Given the chance to appreciate what it’s like to not feel physical pain or soreness

·    Given the opportunity to realize how blessed/lucky not to have been involved in such an accident

·    Given the chance to verbally interact with friends, associates,  or family about me and my situation, and often with Ann

·    Given a reason, or yet another reason, to connect with God on my behalf, through prayer or fasting

MYSELF

·    Given the opportunity to learn to be dependent, to rely on others, to feel gratitude

·    Given the chance to realize how blessed I was to have good auto and health insurance

·    Given the opportunity to see how well our health system can work and how well trained doctors and nurses can be

·    Given the opportunity to see how well first responders do in such a triage situation 

·    Given the realization of how blessed I am to live in a country in which there are first responders that arrived quickly

·    Given to be able to access pain control medication

·    Given to know again that physical suffering allows me to appreciate the times when I don’t feel pain or soreness

·    Given to know how much suffering I saw in the hospital and how blessed that I only had some fractured ribs with some bumps and bruises

·    Given the realization that God preserved my life and has allowed me to continue living

·    Given to know again how God is involved in the details of my life and the lives of others

·    Given to know again the power of Priesthood prayer

·    Given to know again the power of my personal prayer

·    Given to know the blessing of having friends and family who are concerned about me

·    Given to know again the constant, unwavering love and caring of my siblings and their spouses

·    Given to know again the constant, unwavering love and caring of my children, and my grandchildren for “Mumpa” or “Pumpa”

·    Given to realize again how blessed I am to have such a wonderful, caring, protective, thoughtful wife

All of these blessings occurred to quite a few people because one person was distracted for a brief few seconds by a stinging wasp and ventured unknowingly and unwillingly into my car’s path.  I have no doubt but that God knew that was going to happen, since I have faith that He is all knowing.  He must have known that the person whose vehicle hit mine, his family, along with my family, friends, acquaintances and people who know of me but who do not know me personally--and I--needed some of the blessings listed above.  What a loving, gracious, merciful God He is!

·       

Appreciating the Common and Mundane

I've written about this before, but it light of what I am in the middle of experiencing because of my accident, I feel compelled to again write about feeling gratitude for simple things.  It seems necessary that we as mortals, and I in particular, need to be reminded at times of what I either have or don't have,

Some twenty years ago, I was taken to the ER of a local hospital in Utah unable to swallow anything but a small trickle of saliva.  I was placed in Intensive Care, diagnosed with Epiglottitis, an inflammation of the epiglottis, which is valvelike structure that covers the larynx to prevent water and food from entering.  I remember how terrifying it was to not be able to swallow, and I was administered heavy drugs to keep me from needing to swallow.  Some 48 hours later, I was released from IC and sent home, able to swallow again.  I remember that scary experience and will often make a swallowing motion to thank God for the blessing of simply being able to swallow.

In my adult life, I have twice had kidney stones.  For much of humanity, kidneys and other human organs perform their proper function without so much as a thought.  I'm not 100% sure exactly what a pancreas or gall bladder does, but for me they have simply gone about working to keep my healthy.  When those stones formed and began to descend down my urethra, scraping the interior walls and thus causing incredibly intense pain, the functioning of my kidneys came to be front and center.  About the one-half the size of my pinky fingernail, they caused such exquisite pain that I had to be injected with morphine.  I remember those scary experiences and will often thank God for the functioning of these organs, some of which I'm not even sure what they're doing.

My nephew Taylor is unable to turn his palms upward because of a birth defect. Looking at him as he eats, I notice how he has developed strategies which for him have become mindless as how to hold and position his utencils to facilitate the eating motion.  I have noticed how he performs other tasks with his palms downward that you and I would normally do with palms upward.  He has learned to play the piano because it is played with palms downward.  He learned to play the trombone and learned how to play lacrosse because they are activities that can be done with palms downward or pivoted 90 degrees.  I remember his birth defect and will occasionally rotate my palms upward and downward to thank God for something so common place.

So in October of 2013, I am recovering from a serious auto accident.  I am unable to take a deep breath, I cannot stand up or sit down or lie down without much pain and effort, it is very difficult to clean myself after using the restroom, I cannot reach down to the floor, I have had to sleep pretty much sitting up, and I am constantly in pain, albeit at a 4 or 5 level on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest.  I cannot twist my torso, I cannot walk very fast, I cannot work.  I live in fear of hiccuping, coughing, and stumbling.

But I can breathe.  Today I took a nap lying on my side even though I felt some discomfort.  I have been able to take sauntering walks with my wife.  I am able to eat what I normally eat.  I can now take a shower alone, and except for putting on socks and shoes, I can now clothe myself.  I can embrace my wife, although somewhat gingerly, and she can embrace me, although in spite of trying not to cause me any pain, she will occasionally squeeze me just a wee bit too much.  I can laugh a little, but I must watch myself to not get guffawing too heartily.

There will come a time in the future when I hopefully will have recovered from this painful physical trauma.  I want to clearly remember what I am unable to do now that I will be able to do then.  My desire will be to feel gratitude for being able to perform those common, mundane actions even when they have become common and mundane.

For a Second Time

I don’t remember seeing the vehicle approaching me.  I only remember the jarring impact and that for only a split second. The next thing I remember is EMTs or paramedics opening the door and attempting to describe what they were going to do to help me and that everything would be fine.  I remember being loaded onto a very uncomfortable gurney and then into the ambulance, and experiencing discomfort as the ambulance jostled and bounced me on the way to the hospital where I was taken into the ER.

I recall directing one of the EMTs to call my wife during the bumpy ride.  I recall seeing a lot of people around me in the ER, a bustle of arms and hands.  I recall seeing attendants cutting up and cutting off my nice suit pants, my garment underwear, my white shirt.  I recall feeling cared for but completely at the mercy of these people, doing what they were trained to do.  I remember my relief to see my wife appear and to offer the comfort that only she can give.

She told me that on the way home from church she heard a siren, and since she hadn’t seen me return to the chapel, thought that perhaps something might have happened to me.  She told me that she had immediately left the house after receiving the EMT phone call.  She told me that she was concerned about me and that she wanted to be there at my side, a very comforting feeling in the drama of the moment.  She told me that she had caught a glimpse of the car, that it was in bad shape, and that I was fortunate to have only been hurt to the degree that I had.

It did not seem like a Sunday.  The whole time seemed very surreal.  As I reflected on the impact, it didn’t seem to be as forceful as it actually was.  It didn’t seem that I had come close to losing my life, but in looking at the wreckage, and reflecting on what might have been, I had come very, very close.  It did seem, and does seem, that for as serious as my injuries were/are,  that I was/am being watched over once again by a loving God.

Apparently it was all the other’s driver’s fault, and apparently he left a message on our home phone about how sorry he indeed was.  It seems to have been caused by losing control of his smallish SUV while dealing with a wasp or hornet that had already stung him at least once.  While his car apparently suffered minimal damage, my car was totaled, the front end completely destroyed, and the wreckage bears witness to the dramatic impact of the two vehicles.

The day after, I started to make phone calls and leave messages for people that would be affected by me being out of circulation.  For some reason I don’t fully understand, it was particularly difficult to speak with my brother and sister.  It suppose that I realized how blessed I was to still be around and how difficult it would be for them to lose their little brother.  They did bring up, and it is true, that this was the second near-death experience I’ve had in 2013 and that God must really be preserving my life.

Boundaries -- Part 2

A woman named Diane said, “I thought I had to do everything people asked.  If anyone had a problem, I thought it was my responsibility to solve it.  I let people use me then felt guilty because I didn’t like being used.  My husband manipulated me, lied to me, and verbally abused me.  I felt guilty because I didn’t like the way he treated me.  My children walked all over me.  They talked any way they wanted to me.  They refused to respect or follow my rules.  I felt guilty when I became angry at them for treating me that way.”

In Boundaries –Part 1, I wrote about what a boundary was, how dysfunctional people are, like Diane, who do not have boundaries, and how multi-generational this problem can be.   I wrote about how important it is for children to be taught to have a sense of “self,” and how people like to be around others who have good boundaries.  Boundaries-Part 2 will deal with the process of learning how to have good, healthy boundaries.

Many people have developed a high tolerance for pain, mistreatment, and insanity from boundary violation.  It may be difficult to discern when one is being hurt by another, or when  someone else is doing the hurting, but it is painful, and sometimes it has to hurt long and hard before there is recognition that it is indeed hurting.   Many do not have a frame of reference for what is normal and appropriate.  How can someone be told to stop hurting another if they’re not sure it hurts?  How can “inappropriate” be identified if that is all one has ever lived with?

Boundaries have to be worked at, and because of long-term family dynamics, one person may have to work harder at it than another.  It may be something a person has to work at for the rest of their lives, because setting boundaries is connected to growing in self-esteem, dealing with feelings, breaking the rules, and even developing spiritually.  Deep-seated shame can be a significant impediment or block in setting boundaries that need to be set.

One’s self and one’s boundaries develop and emerge as self-confidence grows, as one interacts with healthy people, and a clearer idea is gained of what is appropriate and what isn’t.  The longer a person stays in the process, the easier it becomes to set boundaries.  It is a process because:

·         Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of one’s self, no matter what happens, where one goes, or who one is with.

·         Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what one believes they deserve and don’t deserve.

·         Boundaries materialize from the belief that what one wants and needs, likes and dislikes, is important.

·         Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of one’s personal rights, especially the right a person has to take care of themselves and to be one’s self.

·         Boundaries appear as a person learns to value, trust, and listen to themselves.

The purpose of setting healthy boundaries is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing one’s self, of smothering them, of trespassing, or being invaded.  It is not to build thick walls around one’s self, which makes one less able to experience closeness and intimacy.  It is not a matter of becoming hyper vigilant.  Healthy boundaries allow a person to play, to be creative, to be spontaneous, and be able to love and be loved.  However, setting boundaries requires a certain loss of control.  They require one to let go.  But by having them, a person can trust themselves to enforce the boundaries and take care of themselves and to develop a better sense of self.  A person begins to understand who they are, and can become reassured that they can trust themselves.

Here are some ideas on how to set healthy emotional boundaries:

1   When you identify your need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger in a calmer time and not in the emotion of the moment, and in as few words as possible.  Avoid justifying, rationalizing, or apologizing.  Offer a brief explanation, if it makes sense to do that.  You will not be able to maintain emotionally intimate relationships until you can tell people what hurts and what feels good.  The most important person to notify of your boundary is yourself.

       You cannot simultaneously set a boundary or limit and take care of another person’s feelings.  The two actions are mutually exclusive.

       You’ll probably feel ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.  Do it anyway.  People may not know that they are trespassing.  And people don’t respect people they can use.  People use people they can use, and respect people they can’t use.  Healthy limits will benefit everyone around you, even children.

    

    Anger, rage, complaining and whining are clues that boundaries need to be set.  The things you say you cannot stand, do not like, feel angry about, and hate may be areas crying out for boundaries.  The process doesn’t mean an absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an idiot light on a car dashboard. 

Other clues that may indicate that a boundary is necessary are when you feel threatened, suffocated, or victimized by someone.  This may require you to break through a barrier of shame and fear.  Your body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get angry to establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

Boundaries need consequences when they are violated.  You will be tested when you set boundaries and you need to be determined to follow through on the consequences and find the energy to enforce them.   It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes energy.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  Once you know what your limits are—really know—it won’t be difficult to convince others.  In fact, people often sense when you’ve reached your limit.  You’ll stop attracting boundary invaders!  Things will change.

A woman went to her therapist and recited her usual and regular tirade of complaints about her husband.  “When will this stop?”  the woman finally asked the counselor.  “When you want it to,” the therapist responded.

     Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with boundaries.  Your boundaries need to match your behavior.  What you do needs to match what you say.  If you say your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary.  It’s a wish.  Consequences and ultimatums are the best way to enforce boundaries.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Your boundary gives you a guideline to make a choice.

       

Some people will be happy to respect your boundaries.  The problem hasn’t been what others have been doing to you; it’s what you’ve been doing to yourself.  Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing a system by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.

You’ll set boundaries when you’re ready, and not a minute sooner.  Do it on your own time, not someone else’s, not even a therapist’s.  That’s because it’s connected to your personal growth.

 A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and reinforce boundaries.  It can be valuable to have feedback about what is normal and what is not, what your rights are and are not.  A cheering squad who knows what you are doing is very helpful as you strive to assert your rights.

     There’s an exciting side to boundary setting.  Besides learning about what hurts and what you don’t like, you learn to identify what you do like, what feels good, what you want, and what brings you contentment.  That’s when you begin to enhance the quality of your life.  If you’re not certain who you are, and what you like and want, you have a right to make those exciting discoveries!

Healthy boundaries are a personal issue that reflect and contribute to one’s growth, one’s self, one’s connection to one’s self and to other people, and to God or the Universe.  Listening to and valuing one’s self moves one to a rich, abundant place where good can flourish.  Each one of us has a guide inside that tells us what is needful and important to know about ourselves and others.   We must love ourselves enough to listen.   


Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time"