Boundaries -- Part 2

A woman named Diane said, “I thought I had to do everything people asked.  If anyone had a problem, I thought it was my responsibility to solve it.  I let people use me then felt guilty because I didn’t like being used.  My husband manipulated me, lied to me, and verbally abused me.  I felt guilty because I didn’t like the way he treated me.  My children walked all over me.  They talked any way they wanted to me.  They refused to respect or follow my rules.  I felt guilty when I became angry at them for treating me that way.”

In Boundaries –Part 1, I wrote about what a boundary was, how dysfunctional people are, like Diane, who do not have boundaries, and how multi-generational this problem can be.   I wrote about how important it is for children to be taught to have a sense of “self,” and how people like to be around others who have good boundaries.  Boundaries-Part 2 will deal with the process of learning how to have good, healthy boundaries.

Many people have developed a high tolerance for pain, mistreatment, and insanity from boundary violation.  It may be difficult to discern when one is being hurt by another, or when  someone else is doing the hurting, but it is painful, and sometimes it has to hurt long and hard before there is recognition that it is indeed hurting.   Many do not have a frame of reference for what is normal and appropriate.  How can someone be told to stop hurting another if they’re not sure it hurts?  How can “inappropriate” be identified if that is all one has ever lived with?

Boundaries have to be worked at, and because of long-term family dynamics, one person may have to work harder at it than another.  It may be something a person has to work at for the rest of their lives, because setting boundaries is connected to growing in self-esteem, dealing with feelings, breaking the rules, and even developing spiritually.  Deep-seated shame can be a significant impediment or block in setting boundaries that need to be set.

One’s self and one’s boundaries develop and emerge as self-confidence grows, as one interacts with healthy people, and a clearer idea is gained of what is appropriate and what isn’t.  The longer a person stays in the process, the easier it becomes to set boundaries.  It is a process because:

·         Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of one’s self, no matter what happens, where one goes, or who one is with.

·         Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what one believes they deserve and don’t deserve.

·         Boundaries materialize from the belief that what one wants and needs, likes and dislikes, is important.

·         Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of one’s personal rights, especially the right a person has to take care of themselves and to be one’s self.

·         Boundaries appear as a person learns to value, trust, and listen to themselves.

The purpose of setting healthy boundaries is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing one’s self, of smothering them, of trespassing, or being invaded.  It is not to build thick walls around one’s self, which makes one less able to experience closeness and intimacy.  It is not a matter of becoming hyper vigilant.  Healthy boundaries allow a person to play, to be creative, to be spontaneous, and be able to love and be loved.  However, setting boundaries requires a certain loss of control.  They require one to let go.  But by having them, a person can trust themselves to enforce the boundaries and take care of themselves and to develop a better sense of self.  A person begins to understand who they are, and can become reassured that they can trust themselves.

Here are some ideas on how to set healthy emotional boundaries:

1   When you identify your need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger in a calmer time and not in the emotion of the moment, and in as few words as possible.  Avoid justifying, rationalizing, or apologizing.  Offer a brief explanation, if it makes sense to do that.  You will not be able to maintain emotionally intimate relationships until you can tell people what hurts and what feels good.  The most important person to notify of your boundary is yourself.

       You cannot simultaneously set a boundary or limit and take care of another person’s feelings.  The two actions are mutually exclusive.

       You’ll probably feel ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.  Do it anyway.  People may not know that they are trespassing.  And people don’t respect people they can use.  People use people they can use, and respect people they can’t use.  Healthy limits will benefit everyone around you, even children.

    

    Anger, rage, complaining and whining are clues that boundaries need to be set.  The things you say you cannot stand, do not like, feel angry about, and hate may be areas crying out for boundaries.  The process doesn’t mean an absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an idiot light on a car dashboard. 

Other clues that may indicate that a boundary is necessary are when you feel threatened, suffocated, or victimized by someone.  This may require you to break through a barrier of shame and fear.  Your body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get angry to establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

Boundaries need consequences when they are violated.  You will be tested when you set boundaries and you need to be determined to follow through on the consequences and find the energy to enforce them.   It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes energy.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  Once you know what your limits are—really know—it won’t be difficult to convince others.  In fact, people often sense when you’ve reached your limit.  You’ll stop attracting boundary invaders!  Things will change.

A woman went to her therapist and recited her usual and regular tirade of complaints about her husband.  “When will this stop?”  the woman finally asked the counselor.  “When you want it to,” the therapist responded.

     Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with boundaries.  Your boundaries need to match your behavior.  What you do needs to match what you say.  If you say your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary.  It’s a wish.  Consequences and ultimatums are the best way to enforce boundaries.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Your boundary gives you a guideline to make a choice.

       

Some people will be happy to respect your boundaries.  The problem hasn’t been what others have been doing to you; it’s what you’ve been doing to yourself.  Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing a system by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.

You’ll set boundaries when you’re ready, and not a minute sooner.  Do it on your own time, not someone else’s, not even a therapist’s.  That’s because it’s connected to your personal growth.

 A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and reinforce boundaries.  It can be valuable to have feedback about what is normal and what is not, what your rights are and are not.  A cheering squad who knows what you are doing is very helpful as you strive to assert your rights.

     There’s an exciting side to boundary setting.  Besides learning about what hurts and what you don’t like, you learn to identify what you do like, what feels good, what you want, and what brings you contentment.  That’s when you begin to enhance the quality of your life.  If you’re not certain who you are, and what you like and want, you have a right to make those exciting discoveries!

Healthy boundaries are a personal issue that reflect and contribute to one’s growth, one’s self, one’s connection to one’s self and to other people, and to God or the Universe.  Listening to and valuing one’s self moves one to a rich, abundant place where good can flourish.  Each one of us has a guide inside that tells us what is needful and important to know about ourselves and others.   We must love ourselves enough to listen.   


Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time"    

The Intersection of Doing & Being

Knowing that some who read my blog do not share my religious beliefs can occasionally present a challenge to me in writing in this forum.  I am a deeply religious man but I attempt to be careful not to impose my beliefs and values on those not of my faith or who may not believe in a Supreme Being.  My religiosity is part of who I am, however, and colors my beliefs and values, and as such what I write about sometimes has religious implications.  I believe there is an overall existential application for the issue I will treat and hope that reading about it will be worthwhile.

As I have more closely been observing politicians in recent years, I have come to the conclusion that many are hypocrites.  Hypocrisy is defined as “a pretense of having virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.”  Another definition is “a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.”  The word comes from the Greek hypokrisis, meaning “play acting.”

To my thinking, politicians do a lot of “play acting” and will often say or do things out of expediency to get or stay elected.  It is all a sham.  Their words and actions would have us believe they possess a virtue, a belief, a principle, when in reality they do not.  In other words, in my view, their doing is not congruent with who they really are—their being. 

Harry Reid, a Mormon

It is easy to point a finger at such easy examples/targets, but as the old adage goes, when we point a finger at someone, there are three pointing back at us.  I must ask myself, “are my words and actions—the do part of me--congruent with who I am—the be part of me?”  Or am I also a hypocrite, trying to show some “desirable or publicly approved attitude," whether that public be outside or inside the walls of my home?  And while I introspect, am I congruent when I'm alone?

I believe there is another layer to peel of the do vs. be onion.  If I am not a blatant hypocrite (most of the time), do I fool myself into thinking that simply by doing things that I suppose are good, I am good?      As I try to do good, am I becoming good?

 

Many of us are great at preparing “to do” lists to help us accomplish so much.  How much more difficult is it to prepare a “to be” list?  We like to check off items on our “to do” list.  “To be” lists are trickier and never finished.  I can take Ann out for dinner this Friday, a “to do” that I can remove from the list.  But being a good husband is not a singular event; it needs to be part of who I am.

For me, this discussion has religious implications. I have friends who are not members of my Church who wholeheartedly espouse the doctrine of grace.  They will proverbially point a finger at LDS Church doctrine, accusing us/me of trying to do my way to heaven rather than being saved by grace.  I will admit that on one level they are right to point this out.  We Mormons are all about works. Look at our local and worldwide humanitarian efforts, our weekly institutional and personal devotions, our charitable donations, our efforts to collect and provide genealogical records to the world.  We are probably the most doing Church organization out there, speaking both individually and institutionally.

Mormons Doing Good

 

We sometimes think that if we do enough (and feel guilty/are made to feel guilty when we don’t), God will at length accept all of our doings and admit us into heaven.

Sadly, many sermons uttered at our pulpits seem to focus on doing and few on becoming.  If we are not doing all of the many actions expected of Latter-day Saints, we are essentially told over the pulpit and in lessons to “buck up” and get going, not necessarily taking into consideration the context of our lives nor how we may be becoming in our own ways.  Sermons aand lessons need to also focus on what Christ-like attributes can be developed as we do the many behaviors, the keeping of the commandments, and to recognize that these attributes can sometimes be developed in other ways.  

In two important canons of LDS scripture, the Bible and the Book of Mormon, Mormons believe that Jesus said, “be ye therefore perfect, even as [I or] (Book of Mormon) your Father which is in Heaven is perfect.”  (Matthew 5:48, 3 Nephi 12:48) Italics added.  Christ did not say “do ye therefore perfect”…, he said, “be ye therefore perfect….”   I would posit that the doing that we as members of the LDS Church must be coupled with becoming.  Our actions are not the end but the means to the end of becoming.  It is incumbent upon me and my fellow Saints to not delude ourselves into thinking that keeping the commandments is the end.

One of my favorite scriptures is found in the Book of Mormon is found in Mosiah 3:19.  It reads:

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ, and becometh as a little child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. (Italics added)

Another favorite scripture is also found in the Book of Mormon in Moroni 7:48:

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which He hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons [and daughters] of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like Him, for we shall see him as He is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as He is pure. Amen.”

(Italics added)

Having stated this, I will take issue with my ‘saved-by-grace-and-not-by-works” non-LDS brothers and sisters.  If we as members of the LDS Church are so engaged in doing, and as such are becoming, then hopefully we are gradually becoming like Jesus.  That is a big if, but being “anxiously engaged” is a good thing if it leads me to developing Christ-like attributes of love, caring, kindness, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness.

Doing without being portrays a false image to others, while being without doing portrays a false image to ourselves.

The Savior was all about works, ministering, blessing, lifting, teaching, loving those around Him.  He is the perfect example of the intersection of being and doing.  I want to do and become like Him.