DAYS OF FUTURE PAST

It seems that most Christians look at this life as a way station, so to speak, in the journey to Heaven, and since this mortality is of a short duration when compared with eternity, we Christians tend to live our lives in the future.   This mindset usually allows the believer to deal with life’s challenges with hope because there is an expected reward in the next life for having maintained faith.   This mindset can cause the believer not to live in the present but in the future when a good life will be compensated.  This mindset usually challenges the believer to not indulge in today’s pleasures for tomorrow’s benefits.

This Christian mindset (especially the LDS mindset) also has the effect of causing the believer to feel regret for “mistakes” or sins.  It usually causes the believer to focus on what they haven’t been, what they’ve done wrong.  This mindset usually causes them to castigate themselves, to beat themselves up.  They usually become depressed because they can’t believe that God would love such a "sinner" and there is little or no hope for them.

This “future/past” mindset has been a part of me for most of my life, since I have been a Christian for all of my life.  I have historically accepted this future/past premise because it seemed logical, and it seemed to be inferred in the words of ancient and modern prophets that I have believed in.   I have looked at non-believers around me and have felt superior to them, for “they are enjoying the present but I will be enjoying eternity.”  “They’re going to pay for their sinful past.”  Those foolish people!

When I was studying to become a psychotherapist, I learned about different modalities that emphasized focusing on the “here and now.”  They seemed to be at variance with my future/past focus.  I thought, “How can you focus on right now AND on eternity?”  “Don’t they conflict?”  I hadn’t conceived of such a thing.  It had never been modeled for me in my upbringing.  It didn’t seem possible.  It even seemed anti-religious.

As the years have now gone by since those introspective graduate school days, I have had many opportunities to see the negative effects of a future/past paradigm.  As I have observed rigidly religious people grapple with tremendous anxiety for their future and regretful sadness or even depression about their past, I have realized the folly of my ways.  I have come to embrace a stance in which I give God or the Universe both my past mistakes and what I was or wasn’t, as well as my future, over which I have little to no control. (The traffic accident I am now recovering from is Exhibit One as to lack of control of my future.)

I cannot change the past.  It’s done and nothing can be done about it.  I cannot control the future, although I can make wise choices that can have positive implications for my future.   All that I can change or control is the present, the “here and now.”  I have come to realize that I can still be a believer and enjoy what is happening in my present.  I have also come to realize that God or the Universe wants me to experience happiness and joy right now.  I believe that it gives Him or the Universe great pleasure when we feel such positive emotions and feelings each day, and that He or the Universe does not want us to go about our lives regretful for the past and anxious about the future.  He or the Universe wants us to have joy as He/It feels joy.

So I am transitioning from a rigid, future/past paradigm, to a faith-filled “live in the present” paradigm.   I don’t experience ulcers as in the past.  I don’t beat myself up anymore.  I don’t worry what others around me are doing or are not doing.  I allow myself to be fine with who I am in November 2013, and I allow others that same privilege.  I take time to look into my wife’s eyes and feel love for who she is now, and feel her love for me as I am now.  I am grateful for this realization now, even if it took me many years and heartache to finally get it.  It has truly helped me to feel tremendous satisfaction and contentment—RIGHT NOW!

"Find the Bad Guy" Dance

Because I do a lot of work with couples in my marriage and family therapy practice, I often see something known as “Find the Bad Guy.”  It is the dynamic that occurs when both partners are supposedly trying to protect themselves from the other, but really it is mutual attacking, accusation or blame.  I see this dynamic repeatedly.  My intention is to shine a light on it by helping people to understand it and to how to escape from it. 

This “dance” begins when one partner or the other is hurt or feels vulnerable, and one or both feel out of control.  Emotional safety begins to disappear.  The negativity continues as one or both say anything in an attempt to regain control through defining the partner in a negative way.  The receiving partner then reacts angrily.  Soon one or both feels cornered and actually are flooded with fear.  They perceive that something hurtful has been done to them, and do not usually see the impact of their responses on the other.  They forget about what is good in their partnership; they only see that “that you just stepped on my toes.”

Once this negative dance pattern occurs over and over again, a partner will come to expect it, watch for it, and react even quicker in the future when they perceive it is coming.  Subsequently, this reinforces the pattern.  By watching for and anticipating the perceived hurt, we close off all the ways out of this dead-end dance.  The partners find it hard to relax with one another, to let down their guard.  It becomes harder to emotionally connect with the other in a positive way.  The range of responses becomes more restricted as the “Find the Bad Guy” dance becomes more deeply entrenched in their interactions.

When a partner is attacking or counterattacking, they try to put their feelings aside.  After repeated occurrences, positive feelings get completely lost and the couple itself becomes lost.  The relationship becomes more unsatisfying and unsafe as partners begin viewing the other as uncaring or even defective.  Soon this pattern becomes habitual and deeply rooted, and the dance becomes almost automatic, and starts going in a “circle”:  the more one attacks, the more dangerous they appear to the other, and the more the other partner watches for the attack, the harder they hit back.  Round and round they go. 

This negative pattern is caustic and can destroy a marriage.  The only way to stop the dance and to restore safety and trust is to recognize that no one has to be the villain, to be the bad guy.  It doesn’t matter who started the dance or who is right or which details are true.  The pattern needs to be recognized as “The Bad Guy,” not the couple.  The dance is the villain and the partners are the victims.

If a couple really wants to say “enough,” they must recognize the pattern.  They both must be weary of the bickering and the drama.  They need to:

• ·         Attempt to stay in the present and focus on what is happening in the “here and now”
• ·         Attempt to not use past behaviors to justify present perceptions
• ·         Try to break the pattern of mind-reading, blaming, or assuming motives of the partner
• ·         Look at the pattern or the dance as a circular dance, fed by criticism and even contempt, realizing that there is no true “start” to a circle
• ·         Consider the alternative of continuing to do the “Find the Bad Guy” dance

I hope that this posting helps some couple out there.  Partners don’t need to do this dance anymore.