DAYS OF FUTURE PAST

It seems that most Christians look at this life as a way station, so to speak, in the journey to Heaven, and since this mortality is of a short duration when compared with eternity, we Christians tend to live our lives in the future.   This mindset usually allows the believer to deal with life’s challenges with hope because there is an expected reward in the next life for having maintained faith.   This mindset can cause the believer not to live in the present but in the future when a good life will be compensated.  This mindset usually challenges the believer to not indulge in today’s pleasures for tomorrow’s benefits.

This Christian mindset (especially the LDS mindset) also has the effect of causing the believer to feel regret for “mistakes” or sins.  It usually causes the believer to focus on what they haven’t been, what they’ve done wrong.  This mindset usually causes them to castigate themselves, to beat themselves up.  They usually become depressed because they can’t believe that God would love such a "sinner" and there is little or no hope for them.

This “future/past” mindset has been a part of me for most of my life, since I have been a Christian for all of my life.  I have historically accepted this future/past premise because it seemed logical, and it seemed to be inferred in the words of ancient and modern prophets that I have believed in.   I have looked at non-believers around me and have felt superior to them, for “they are enjoying the present but I will be enjoying eternity.”  “They’re going to pay for their sinful past.”  Those foolish people!

When I was studying to become a psychotherapist, I learned about different modalities that emphasized focusing on the “here and now.”  They seemed to be at variance with my future/past focus.  I thought, “How can you focus on right now AND on eternity?”  “Don’t they conflict?”  I hadn’t conceived of such a thing.  It had never been modeled for me in my upbringing.  It didn’t seem possible.  It even seemed anti-religious.

As the years have now gone by since those introspective graduate school days, I have had many opportunities to see the negative effects of a future/past paradigm.  As I have observed rigidly religious people grapple with tremendous anxiety for their future and regretful sadness or even depression about their past, I have realized the folly of my ways.  I have come to embrace a stance in which I give God or the Universe both my past mistakes and what I was or wasn’t, as well as my future, over which I have little to no control. (The traffic accident I am now recovering from is Exhibit One as to lack of control of my future.)

I cannot change the past.  It’s done and nothing can be done about it.  I cannot control the future, although I can make wise choices that can have positive implications for my future.   All that I can change or control is the present, the “here and now.”  I have come to realize that I can still be a believer and enjoy what is happening in my present.  I have also come to realize that God or the Universe wants me to experience happiness and joy right now.  I believe that it gives Him or the Universe great pleasure when we feel such positive emotions and feelings each day, and that He or the Universe does not want us to go about our lives regretful for the past and anxious about the future.  He or the Universe wants us to have joy as He/It feels joy.

So I am transitioning from a rigid, future/past paradigm, to a faith-filled “live in the present” paradigm.   I don’t experience ulcers as in the past.  I don’t beat myself up anymore.  I don’t worry what others around me are doing or are not doing.  I allow myself to be fine with who I am in November 2013, and I allow others that same privilege.  I take time to look into my wife’s eyes and feel love for who she is now, and feel her love for me as I am now.  I am grateful for this realization now, even if it took me many years and heartache to finally get it.  It has truly helped me to feel tremendous satisfaction and contentment—RIGHT NOW!

Questioning the Waves

For much of my life, when something negative has resulted because of my negligence, my carelessness, my inattentiveness, my weakness,  my humanity, I have emotionally put myself down--beaten myself up.  I can't say that I saw this self punishment demonstrated in my home growing up.  I'm not sure that I learned it from any person.  But doing it has been a significant part of me, haunting me, possessing me, making me feel very bad about myself, and I often have felt powerless to stop the cascading waves of ugly feelings.  

In the past, when this veritable tsunami has washed over me, I have felt as if I were in a toilet that was flushing--spinning round and round and sinking deeper and deeper, unable to stop the feelings. Those who do this to themselves know exactly what it feels like.  It is an incredibly dark place.

I have done it for so long that I have become very adept at it.  I know well the continual, seemingly unending chatter inside my head; calling myself stupid, inept, and any other adjective that serves to make myself feel terrible.  In those moments, I have sometimes felt that I deserved to feel this way.  That I deserved whatever bad happened as a result of my poor performance.

Years ago, when my children starting behaving in a way that was contrary to what I felt that I had taught them, I really struggled.  I looked at myself as a father and accused myself of failing at this most important responsibility.  The negative self-talk was brutal.  I would look at their "poor" behavior and tell myself that I was responsible for it; that my "nurture" or lack thereof, had caused it.  Because of my spiritual understanding, however, my faith told me that they had lived in heaven before they came to earth for who knows how long.  I had only been able to influence them for a relatively short time.  They had their own personalities and characters, their own "natures."  I struggled to deal with the age-old existential question of "nature vs. nurture."

I came to realize over time as I saw both their less than optimal and their optimal behavior, that I couldn't be entirely responsible for both, and I began to let go of some of those "put myself down" feelings.  But I still struggled with day-to-day failures that I considered I had caused.  It was still very easy to slip into the negative self-talk.  Probably on some absurd level, it was comforting to not deal with the issue and question it but just let the waves roll over me or flush the toilet, whatever metaphor works. 

It took understanding myself better as a result of personal psychotherapy and my coursework to get my psychology degree to finally change my response to the tsunami.  And frankly, dealing with this phenomenen with others as I do therapy has helped as well because I see myself in them.  What I have learned to do is to ask myself two questions, in the aftermath of a situation in which a negative result has occured because of my perceived weakness:

1. Why am I feeling this way right now?
2. What benefit will it give me to continue feeling this way?

In other words, when I do this, I am taking the overwhelming feelings to a cognitive, thinking place.  I am interrupting the waves, questioning what is happening to me.  I have learned that as I have repeatedly done this little brain exercise, I am essentially reprogramming my brain.  So when the initial event(s) occur these days, those two questions pop into my mind.  I deal with the negative overwhelming feelings immediately and after I ask the questions, the waves begin to ebb and the mind chatter begins to fade to nothing.  I may still feel a bit bad because of what has happened, but I now calm myself and put it in the experience column.  These days I am even able to look at what occured and objectively decide what I can learn from it--what I should or shouldn't do in the future so that the negative outcome is avoided.

To be sure, because of my humanity I still do or don't things that have negative consequences.  But I am well into this particular transition, one that makes me feel so much better about myself and one that I am very proud of!