Misconceptions about Pornography Addiction

• Pornography is not addictive.  Current medical studies on the brain document the chemicals that are produced in the brain when viewing pornography greatly impact it and can create addiction to the chemicals, and subsequently to pornography.  One study equates the effect pornography has on the brain with the use of cocaine.  Not everyone that looks at pornography is an addict, but it is risky behavior that can lead to terrible consequences.
• If you regularly look at pornography, you must be a sex addict.  Most of the people that use the term "addict" don't really understand addiction, and use it to describe someone who really likes doing some behavior or using some chemical.  If you regularly look at pornography. and cannot stop after repeatedly attempting not to, and do so at the peril of important relationships in your life, then you may be a sex addict.  But many people who look at pornography do not reach that level.  Understanding why one can't stop looking at pornography and masturbating is more productive than putting a label on one's self or another as being a sex addict.
• Pornography is merely about sex.  When a someone looks at pornography, they will almost always masturbate, but their behaviors are not really about sex.  They are about what they are feeling, or trying not to feel, as they use pornography and masturbate to self-soothe or to cope with stressors in their lives. Studies show that many if not most people who have chemical addictions such as with alcohol or drugs also have sexual addictive behaviors--because they use all of their addictions to deal with the challenges of their lives.
• Pornography helps the addict to deal with less sexual activity with their partner.  This behavior comes at a great cost.  Pornography dulls the ability to connect with a partner emotionally, and usually involves isolating. The more one engages in this behavior , the easier it is to disconnect. Partners can sense when they are being objectified and will eventually rebel. All porn addicts lie to cover up their dual lives, thus destroying the trust that their partners have in them. Pornography addiction is often referred to as an attachment disorder.
• Children can’t get addicted.  Not many people have this belief these days. The average age for first exposure to pornography used to be age 11, just ten years ago.  That age is now younger, meaning there are 7 or 8 year olds that are becoming addicted.  Children can become addicted to the "chemical banquet" that occurs in their brains and bodies, just like people who are older. Nearly all people currently wrestling with problems of sexual acting out started doing so when they were in their early teens, if not earlier.
• If a filter is placed on computers or phones, there will not be any exposure to pornography. Many people, including youth, who are computer saavy at all can often get past a filter.  Some filters are harder to figure out than others.  Some programs have accountability partners while others try to control internet searches.  But online pornography is only one of many sources of pornography.
• If someone is addicted to pornography, they will probably be a child molester.  Although there is ample child pornography on the Internet, most men do not access these sites.  And even if they go to these sites, there is no certainty that they will become child molesters.  Many child molesters were molested themselves as children.  
• Being abstinent is the same as recovery.  When someone is in their addiction, the focus of their life (and if they have a family, their family members' lives also) is on the addiction.  Recovery cannot take place while acting out.  Thus, abstinence is an absolute requirement for recovery, but it is not recovery.  Abstinence hopefully takes the focus off of the addiction, and onto the "whys" of the addiction.  When one is able to focus on these reason(s), recovery can begin.  Otherwise, it is often only a matter of time before the addict acts out; when "white knuckleing" or will power fails them.  
• If the addict keeps slipping up, they will never be able to stop their behaviors.  Most addicts will slip up, especially if they are using sheer will power.  Slips are a part of the process of becoming abstinent and being in recovery.  The truth is that for most addicts, they stop themselves from their addictive behaviors more often than they give into them. Most addicts have great will power. They lack needful support from a group of their fellow addicts who can hold them accountable. They lack a sponsor or a person who has been through the process as an addict and can be there for them in the wobbly times. They lack understanding why they engage in their addictive behaviors.  Even then, they may not be perfect.
• If a partner is addicted to pornography and masturbation, it is the other partner’s fault.  This is a manipulation the addict puts on their loved one so as to not confront the real reason(s) why they act out.  Addicted partners often use this manipulation when they perceive that they are not engaging in sexual activity as often as they need to, or when their sex life for them has become stale and unexciting.  But as previously explained, sexual addiction is not really about sex; it's about how they use sex to self-soothe.  It is their own issue.
• Shaming or embarrassing those with addictive tendencies will motivate them to stop.  Quite the opposite is true.  Shame, embarrassment and condemnation tend to cause those with such tendencies to hide them and be more secretive about them in order to avoid exposure.  People who attend relgious services can be shamed by doctrine and by eccleciastical leaders, who may ignorantly tell them to prayer more diligently or read scripture a little longer. What they need is an atmosphere of love, hope, and support, with appropriate boundaries thoughtfully and lovingly placed.
• Pornography will help a couple enhance their relationship.  This is another manipulation by the addicted partner who wrongfully believes that new, more exciting sex will make their relationship better.  Pornography is degrading to the participants, and if one of the partners is already routinely looking at pornography, chances are they will think about the person's body in the media rather than their partner when engages in sex with them.  
• If a partner has a sexual addiction, the other partner should leave (or divorce) because they will never change.  Never is a long time. People can change if they are inwardly motivated to do so. Often being discovered by their partner serves as a genuine wake up call, but an addicted partner needs to want to stop the behavior for themselves and not just to please their partner or to meet their partner's ultimatum.  Divorce is a "nuclear option" and should be used with the greatest of care, especially when children are involved.  Boundaries need to be put in place with consequences.  
• If single, getting married will solve the problem.   If one has been abstinent, being able to engage in sexual activity does not make the desire go away to look at pornography and masturbate.  There is an underlying reason for the behaviors and until they are addressed in a therapeutic setting (or if one does a genuine Fourth Step of the SA Twelve Steps), the newly married person will continue their behaviors.
• If I am active in a church congregation, God will protect me from addiction.  This is self-deceit. In most church congregations, there will be a number of people who struggle with pornography and masturbation.  They are filled with shame and often lead an exhausting double life.  Praying, studying scripture, and attending services will not automatically take away the desire to indulge in these behaviors.  
• If a partner confesses to an ecclesiastical leader, the addiction will go away.   Such thinking would be similar to going to the family doctor to talk about one's diabetes and then believing it will go away.  Besides, most ecclesiatical authorities to not understand addiction. The addiction won't go away until the addict confesses to themselves that they are powerless over their addiction and that their lives have become unmanageable. 

If you or a loved one has challenges with a possible addiction to pornography and masturbation and would like some help, please contact me personally at my email:  robertedavismft@gmail.com.

Boundaries -- Part 2

A woman named Diane said, “I thought I had to do everything people asked.  If anyone had a problem, I thought it was my responsibility to solve it.  I let people use me then felt guilty because I didn’t like being used.  My husband manipulated me, lied to me, and verbally abused me.  I felt guilty because I didn’t like the way he treated me.  My children walked all over me.  They talked any way they wanted to me.  They refused to respect or follow my rules.  I felt guilty when I became angry at them for treating me that way.”

In Boundaries –Part 1, I wrote about what a boundary was, how dysfunctional people are, like Diane, who do not have boundaries, and how multi-generational this problem can be.   I wrote about how important it is for children to be taught to have a sense of “self,” and how people like to be around others who have good boundaries.  Boundaries-Part 2 will deal with the process of learning how to have good, healthy boundaries.

Many people have developed a high tolerance for pain, mistreatment, and insanity from boundary violation.  It may be difficult to discern when one is being hurt by another, or when  someone else is doing the hurting, but it is painful, and sometimes it has to hurt long and hard before there is recognition that it is indeed hurting.   Many do not have a frame of reference for what is normal and appropriate.  How can someone be told to stop hurting another if they’re not sure it hurts?  How can “inappropriate” be identified if that is all one has ever lived with?

Boundaries have to be worked at, and because of long-term family dynamics, one person may have to work harder at it than another.  It may be something a person has to work at for the rest of their lives, because setting boundaries is connected to growing in self-esteem, dealing with feelings, breaking the rules, and even developing spiritually.  Deep-seated shame can be a significant impediment or block in setting boundaries that need to be set.

One’s self and one’s boundaries develop and emerge as self-confidence grows, as one interacts with healthy people, and a clearer idea is gained of what is appropriate and what isn’t.  The longer a person stays in the process, the easier it becomes to set boundaries.  It is a process because:

·         Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of one’s self, no matter what happens, where one goes, or who one is with.

·         Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what one believes they deserve and don’t deserve.

·         Boundaries materialize from the belief that what one wants and needs, likes and dislikes, is important.

·         Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of one’s personal rights, especially the right a person has to take care of themselves and to be one’s self.

·         Boundaries appear as a person learns to value, trust, and listen to themselves.

The purpose of setting healthy boundaries is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing one’s self, of smothering them, of trespassing, or being invaded.  It is not to build thick walls around one’s self, which makes one less able to experience closeness and intimacy.  It is not a matter of becoming hyper vigilant.  Healthy boundaries allow a person to play, to be creative, to be spontaneous, and be able to love and be loved.  However, setting boundaries requires a certain loss of control.  They require one to let go.  But by having them, a person can trust themselves to enforce the boundaries and take care of themselves and to develop a better sense of self.  A person begins to understand who they are, and can become reassured that they can trust themselves.

Here are some ideas on how to set healthy emotional boundaries:

1   When you identify your need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger in a calmer time and not in the emotion of the moment, and in as few words as possible.  Avoid justifying, rationalizing, or apologizing.  Offer a brief explanation, if it makes sense to do that.  You will not be able to maintain emotionally intimate relationships until you can tell people what hurts and what feels good.  The most important person to notify of your boundary is yourself.

       You cannot simultaneously set a boundary or limit and take care of another person’s feelings.  The two actions are mutually exclusive.

       You’ll probably feel ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.  Do it anyway.  People may not know that they are trespassing.  And people don’t respect people they can use.  People use people they can use, and respect people they can’t use.  Healthy limits will benefit everyone around you, even children.

    

    Anger, rage, complaining and whining are clues that boundaries need to be set.  The things you say you cannot stand, do not like, feel angry about, and hate may be areas crying out for boundaries.  The process doesn’t mean an absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an idiot light on a car dashboard. 

Other clues that may indicate that a boundary is necessary are when you feel threatened, suffocated, or victimized by someone.  This may require you to break through a barrier of shame and fear.  Your body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get angry to establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

Boundaries need consequences when they are violated.  You will be tested when you set boundaries and you need to be determined to follow through on the consequences and find the energy to enforce them.   It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes energy.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  Once you know what your limits are—really know—it won’t be difficult to convince others.  In fact, people often sense when you’ve reached your limit.  You’ll stop attracting boundary invaders!  Things will change.

A woman went to her therapist and recited her usual and regular tirade of complaints about her husband.  “When will this stop?”  the woman finally asked the counselor.  “When you want it to,” the therapist responded.

     Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with boundaries.  Your boundaries need to match your behavior.  What you do needs to match what you say.  If you say your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary.  It’s a wish.  Consequences and ultimatums are the best way to enforce boundaries.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Your boundary gives you a guideline to make a choice.

       

Some people will be happy to respect your boundaries.  The problem hasn’t been what others have been doing to you; it’s what you’ve been doing to yourself.  Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing a system by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.

You’ll set boundaries when you’re ready, and not a minute sooner.  Do it on your own time, not someone else’s, not even a therapist’s.  That’s because it’s connected to your personal growth.

 A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and reinforce boundaries.  It can be valuable to have feedback about what is normal and what is not, what your rights are and are not.  A cheering squad who knows what you are doing is very helpful as you strive to assert your rights.

     There’s an exciting side to boundary setting.  Besides learning about what hurts and what you don’t like, you learn to identify what you do like, what feels good, what you want, and what brings you contentment.  That’s when you begin to enhance the quality of your life.  If you’re not certain who you are, and what you like and want, you have a right to make those exciting discoveries!

Healthy boundaries are a personal issue that reflect and contribute to one’s growth, one’s self, one’s connection to one’s self and to other people, and to God or the Universe.  Listening to and valuing one’s self moves one to a rich, abundant place where good can flourish.  Each one of us has a guide inside that tells us what is needful and important to know about ourselves and others.   We must love ourselves enough to listen.   


Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time"    

A Daughter's Work on Shame

For those who have recently read my blog, you will remember a post about my desire to investigate my shame.  That work continues.  Also, many of you who know me will know that I have a hard time believing in coincidences.  To find out that my #2 daughter Emily is presently on her own journey of investigating her shame, just as my #1 son BJ (Robert) is presently on his journey to addiction recovery, IS NO COINCIDENCE!  

Just as I decided to include my son's thoughts about addiction, I feel impressed to likewise include Emily's recent blogpost about her "awakening" to the shame that has governed her life.  It made me feel privileged to have her as a daughter (I am grateful for all of my children) and for her vulnerability to share her struggles with the world. I hope this can in some way be of benefit to you. 

Emily's Awakening: Part 1

    As many of you know, I am not one to shy away from talking about my struggles with anxiety and depression. I’m always glad to talk to someone who has dealt with similar issues, so I figure it’s helpful to others, not just therapeutic to me, to share my experiences. I also think society as a whole needs to suck it up and start being comfortable dealing with mental and emotional health issues, just like it is with medical issues. We shouldn’t feel embarrassed to acknowledge that we struggle with anxiety any more than we should feel ashamed to tell others we have high blood pressure. Privacy I can understand. But shame, never.

    Over the course of my adult life, I’ve sought help through psychotherapy a number of times. I started in college, my freshman year, when I was having a really hard time making the transition. I also sought help on my mission, when I was in Texas, waiting for my visa to allow me to go to Venezuela (which never happened but that’s another story.) The anxiety was so bad, that it was all I could do to put one foot in front of each other as we’d walk the streets near UNT. It took me six months and a transfer to Florida (and the subsequent sunshine and friendlier folk) to feel slightly normal again. The commonality of these and other events in my life that caused me to seek professional help is that they all brought on anxiety and depression.

    If you’ve ever experienced either, and maybe you didn’t even know that’s what it was, you’ll know what I’m talking about: The feeling of nameless but impending doom; The tightening of the chest; The aching pain of nausea in your stomach; The numbness; The feeling of walking through water; the despair. The complete and total despair—that no one understands; that God has abandoned you; that you’ll never feel good again; that you are going insane.

    In my time in therapy, I’ve figured out that a lot of my anxiety comes from an irrational, though deeply rooted fear that I am not worthy of love. Or, to put it another way, I am not a good ______ and therefore not worthy of love. So all my life I’ve tried to be a good daughter, a good student, a good missionary, and now, a good mother.

    So now, here I am, the mother of four under four, and my life is filled with stress. And I get angry. Very angry. All the time. In fact, it was only recently in therapy that I figured out that the anger is almost constant because I am almost always anxious. It’s not the crippling anxiety I felt on my mission; it’s not anxiety attacks that come and go; it’s more of a baseline anxiety that simmers just below the surface and boils over anytime I get provoked. And living with toddlers is, in case you didn’t know, very provoking. So I lose my temper, I do something I regret, and then fall into the pit of shame and despair over how terrible a mother I am. One time, it got so bad that I had to put all the kids in their beds, for their own protection, and then had to talk myself out of taking the pile of sleeping pills I held in my hand. (Google helped. You can’t kill yourself with 12 sleeping pills. You can only make yourself violently ill.) At any rate, that’s the depth of the pit of shame and despair.

    Several weeks ago, when I was telling my therapist about this incident, I was saying something like, “I used to be such a good mother! With Elizabeth, I was such a good mother! Now I’m a monster!” followed by a lot of sobbing. But then I stopped as I thought about what I’d just said. Wait a minute. I was a good mother? That sounds … actually … really prideful. And that’s when it hit me. I wasn’t a good mother when it was just me and Elizabeth. I was just a mother with more time and more resources. Now that I have the triplets, I am still a mother, but with less time and less resources. OH. MY. GOSH. You mean, all my accomplishments, all the things in my life that make me feel like I’m so awesome … THEY DON’T MAKE ME A “GOOD” PERSON!??!?! I just am!?!??!?!?!? I. JUST. AM! It’s ironic, but it took me looking at all my successes, not my failures, to realize that they do NOT define me! Think about it. I graduated from college with honors. Does that make me a “good” person? NO! It means I made good choices, yes. But it doesn’t increase my worth in any way. I lost my temper and yelled at my daughter. Does that make me a “bad” mom? NO! It means I made a bad choice, yes. But it doesn’t have to throw me into the pit of shame and despair, because, it doesn’t take away from my self-worth!

    Another way of looking at it is through the Atonement—the sacrifice Jesus Christ made for us. God loves us—every last sinner of us—and his love doesn’t depend on how “good” or “bad” we are. He loves us. Period. End of sentence. And by falling into the pit of shame and despair, I was only telling myself, “You are BAD. You can NEVER change. You are not worthy of God’s love.” What the WHAT?! That’s not true! That’s a LIE! Jesus gave his life and suffered for our bad mistakes—our sins—so that we can change and improve and so we’ll have the chance to make our actions match the incredible worth we ALREADY HAVE.

    Sitting in the therapy session, figuring all this out, I felt a physical weight lifted off my shoulders. And it didn’t end there. When I got home and I, once again, got angry and lost my temper, I didn’t fall into The Pit. I took a step back, saw my mistake for what it was—something wrong I did, not something bad I was—and could move forward from there. Incredible.

    This, my friends, was an awakening. It has set me free.

Guilty as Charged or Shame on Me

         

           In doing what I do in the addiction recovery world in which I live, I have commented multiple times that my addiction is beating myself up for the regrettable actions of my past and for what I currently am not.  I am every bit as addicted to those thoughts and feelings as any addicted person that I attempt to help.  It seems to be naturally easy to allow those thoughts and feelings to overcome me like a big wave, tumbling me mercilessly and slamming me onto the bottom.  It is as if I take some absurd pleasure in doing so and think that perhaps I deserve to feel bad.

            To be sure, I do not beat myself up all of the time.  Usually, I manage to not go there or to talk myself through it as the wave is crashing.  But it happens enough and I am weary of this aspect of me.

I wonder if I feel guilt for what I have done and what I am not, or if I feel shame.  Guilt is what is felt when we do something wrong.  It can motivate us to be more aware of our actions and to make improvements in our behavior.  Shame is what is felt when we are something wrong.  In other words, it is about our essence, about being wrong, and not just what we do.

Do I see myself subconsciously as being fatally flawed?  Do I believe that I must be perfect, or some notion of being almost perfect, and that since I am not, I must atone for who I am by feeling bad?  Do I pretend not to compare who I am with others but then compare myself with them anyway?  Do I see myself as a fake, a poser? 

I feel the need to explore more of who I am and what is my level of shame.  I am going to be involved in leading an addiction recovery group on shame and the coursework demands that facilitators do work on themselves so that it is real and not just theoretical.  This introspection will hopefully lead me to another transition….