Boundaries -- Part 2

A woman named Diane said, “I thought I had to do everything people asked.  If anyone had a problem, I thought it was my responsibility to solve it.  I let people use me then felt guilty because I didn’t like being used.  My husband manipulated me, lied to me, and verbally abused me.  I felt guilty because I didn’t like the way he treated me.  My children walked all over me.  They talked any way they wanted to me.  They refused to respect or follow my rules.  I felt guilty when I became angry at them for treating me that way.”

In Boundaries –Part 1, I wrote about what a boundary was, how dysfunctional people are, like Diane, who do not have boundaries, and how multi-generational this problem can be.   I wrote about how important it is for children to be taught to have a sense of “self,” and how people like to be around others who have good boundaries.  Boundaries-Part 2 will deal with the process of learning how to have good, healthy boundaries.

Many people have developed a high tolerance for pain, mistreatment, and insanity from boundary violation.  It may be difficult to discern when one is being hurt by another, or when  someone else is doing the hurting, but it is painful, and sometimes it has to hurt long and hard before there is recognition that it is indeed hurting.   Many do not have a frame of reference for what is normal and appropriate.  How can someone be told to stop hurting another if they’re not sure it hurts?  How can “inappropriate” be identified if that is all one has ever lived with?

Boundaries have to be worked at, and because of long-term family dynamics, one person may have to work harder at it than another.  It may be something a person has to work at for the rest of their lives, because setting boundaries is connected to growing in self-esteem, dealing with feelings, breaking the rules, and even developing spiritually.  Deep-seated shame can be a significant impediment or block in setting boundaries that need to be set.

One’s self and one’s boundaries develop and emerge as self-confidence grows, as one interacts with healthy people, and a clearer idea is gained of what is appropriate and what isn’t.  The longer a person stays in the process, the easier it becomes to set boundaries.  It is a process because:

·         Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of one’s self, no matter what happens, where one goes, or who one is with.

·         Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what one believes they deserve and don’t deserve.

·         Boundaries materialize from the belief that what one wants and needs, likes and dislikes, is important.

·         Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of one’s personal rights, especially the right a person has to take care of themselves and to be one’s self.

·         Boundaries appear as a person learns to value, trust, and listen to themselves.

The purpose of setting healthy boundaries is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing one’s self, of smothering them, of trespassing, or being invaded.  It is not to build thick walls around one’s self, which makes one less able to experience closeness and intimacy.  It is not a matter of becoming hyper vigilant.  Healthy boundaries allow a person to play, to be creative, to be spontaneous, and be able to love and be loved.  However, setting boundaries requires a certain loss of control.  They require one to let go.  But by having them, a person can trust themselves to enforce the boundaries and take care of themselves and to develop a better sense of self.  A person begins to understand who they are, and can become reassured that they can trust themselves.

Here are some ideas on how to set healthy emotional boundaries:

1   When you identify your need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger in a calmer time and not in the emotion of the moment, and in as few words as possible.  Avoid justifying, rationalizing, or apologizing.  Offer a brief explanation, if it makes sense to do that.  You will not be able to maintain emotionally intimate relationships until you can tell people what hurts and what feels good.  The most important person to notify of your boundary is yourself.

       You cannot simultaneously set a boundary or limit and take care of another person’s feelings.  The two actions are mutually exclusive.

       You’ll probably feel ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.  Do it anyway.  People may not know that they are trespassing.  And people don’t respect people they can use.  People use people they can use, and respect people they can’t use.  Healthy limits will benefit everyone around you, even children.

    

    Anger, rage, complaining and whining are clues that boundaries need to be set.  The things you say you cannot stand, do not like, feel angry about, and hate may be areas crying out for boundaries.  The process doesn’t mean an absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an idiot light on a car dashboard. 

Other clues that may indicate that a boundary is necessary are when you feel threatened, suffocated, or victimized by someone.  This may require you to break through a barrier of shame and fear.  Your body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get angry to establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

Boundaries need consequences when they are violated.  You will be tested when you set boundaries and you need to be determined to follow through on the consequences and find the energy to enforce them.   It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes energy.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  Once you know what your limits are—really know—it won’t be difficult to convince others.  In fact, people often sense when you’ve reached your limit.  You’ll stop attracting boundary invaders!  Things will change.

A woman went to her therapist and recited her usual and regular tirade of complaints about her husband.  “When will this stop?”  the woman finally asked the counselor.  “When you want it to,” the therapist responded.

     Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with boundaries.  Your boundaries need to match your behavior.  What you do needs to match what you say.  If you say your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary.  It’s a wish.  Consequences and ultimatums are the best way to enforce boundaries.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Your boundary gives you a guideline to make a choice.

       

Some people will be happy to respect your boundaries.  The problem hasn’t been what others have been doing to you; it’s what you’ve been doing to yourself.  Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing a system by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.

You’ll set boundaries when you’re ready, and not a minute sooner.  Do it on your own time, not someone else’s, not even a therapist’s.  That’s because it’s connected to your personal growth.

 A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and reinforce boundaries.  It can be valuable to have feedback about what is normal and what is not, what your rights are and are not.  A cheering squad who knows what you are doing is very helpful as you strive to assert your rights.

     There’s an exciting side to boundary setting.  Besides learning about what hurts and what you don’t like, you learn to identify what you do like, what feels good, what you want, and what brings you contentment.  That’s when you begin to enhance the quality of your life.  If you’re not certain who you are, and what you like and want, you have a right to make those exciting discoveries!

Healthy boundaries are a personal issue that reflect and contribute to one’s growth, one’s self, one’s connection to one’s self and to other people, and to God or the Universe.  Listening to and valuing one’s self moves one to a rich, abundant place where good can flourish.  Each one of us has a guide inside that tells us what is needful and important to know about ourselves and others.   We must love ourselves enough to listen.   


Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time"    

Boundaries -- Part 1

In geography, boundaries are the borders marking a state, a country, or a person's land.  Unlike states on maps, we don't have thick black lines delineating OUR boundaries.  Yet each of us has our own territory.  Our boundaries define and contain that territory, which includes our bodies, minds, emotions, spirit, possessions, and rights. Boundaries define and surround all our energy, the individual self that we each call "me."  Our borders are invisible, but real.  There is a place where I end and you begin.  The purpose of this blog post is to help you learn to identify and have respect for that line.

I use the term boundary frequently in the recovery work that I do with those with addictive behaviors (most people) and their loved ones whose lives have been affected by those behaviors.  It is used to describe an action--setting a boundary--meaning an attempt to set a limit on someone.  Often, when this term is used and attempted, the person is saying to someone that he or she can't use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract.  The person has decided to tell someone that they can't abuse them, or otherwise invade or infringe on them in a particular way.  The person has decided to no longer allow someone to trample on them.

But boundaries are supposed to be taught by parents, and often parents did not have a sense of boundaries, or built emotional walls instead of boundaries, or had boundaries with holes in them, or did not have consequences that put "teeth" in the boundaries.  Likely, their parents may not have had boundaries on their own actions or the actions of those around them.  Thus the dysfunction can be multi-generational, and the dysfunction can powerfully distill to the present. Inappropriate generational roles among family members, and inappropriate roles between one's family and other families, can also hurt boundary formation.

Although some people are fortunate enough to emerge into adulthood knowing who they are, and what their rights are and aren't, many emerge into adulthood with damaged, scarred, or non-existent boundaries.  Those who saw them modeled learned not to trespass on other people's territories do not now allow others to invade theirs.  They have healthy boundaries and a solid sense of self.  But for others, boundaries are inconsistent, rarely or never attached to consequences, and are completely off their radar.

Sometimes, people are so overwhelmed in their own territories that they construct thick and high emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt anymore. The walls usually start to be built in childhood when a child's boundaries and rights are invaded or violated, or they are forced into inappropriate roles with those around them. Children may have weak or non-existent boundaries if they were emotionally or physically neglected or abandoned, or if they weren't nurtured or weren't raised with appropriate discipline and limits.  They may not have developed a "self," an identity, or a healthy sense of self-esteem, because it's challenging for a "self" to form in a void.  Regardless, these walls serve as a learned coping strategy for adults that represent a sort of castle, not letting anybody get in, but also a prison, not allowing the person to get out.

Abuse, humiliation, or shame by one's caregivers damages boundaries, and the abuse, humiliation, or shame do not necessarily have had to have been in significant or memorable ways.  These behaviors can result in significant holes in one's boundaries.  As an adult, they are vulnerable to invasion in those areas until they repair and strengthen that part of their border.

If one had to take care of someone who was supposed to be their caregiver, they may believe other people's thoughts, feelings, and problems are their responsibility.  If they lived with someone who encouraged them to be overly dependent on him or her, they may not have learned they had a complete sense of their "own-ness."  They may have entered into adulthood feeling like they were half of something, and needed another person to be complete.

Controlling people invade territory.  They trespass, and think that it's their right to do so.  If one lived with someone who tried to control their thoughts, bodies, or feelings, their boundaries may have been damaged.  If their rights to their emotions, thoughts, bodies, privacy, and possessions weren't respected, they may not know as adults that they have rights.  They may not know others' rights either.

How we connected with our primary caregiver determines how we connect with others as adults.  One's boundaries determine how one fits or bonds with those around them.  If a person has weak boundaries, they may get lost in another's territory.  Relationships can cause fear because a person might feel too vulnerable and fear losing all that they have, including themselves.

People feel most comfortable around people who have healthy boundaries.  The saying goes "fences make good neighbors," and such a border engenders comfort. The challenge is to develop healthy boundaries, not too pliable or too rigid.  It is important to look at one's "fences" to determine if any pieces or sections of it need repair or replacement, or if an entire part needs to be constructed.  It is in one's own best interest to do so, thus the reason for this blog posting.

As healthy boundaries are developed, there evolves an appropriate sense of roles among family members, others, and one's self.  Respect for one's self and others is learned, not allowing one's self to be abused or to abuse.  With healthy boundaries, one cannot be controlled and will not want to control others.  There is a realization that one does not have to take responsibility for others, and a desire to not let others take responsibility for them.  Everyone takes responsibility for themselves! If one is rigid, they loosen up a bit.  A clear sense of complete self and one's rights is developed.  Respect for another's territory as well as one's own is learned through developing the skill to listen to and trust one's self.


Part Two of Boundaries will be published soon in the next blog posting.  Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time."