Boundaries -- Part 2

A woman named Diane said, “I thought I had to do everything people asked.  If anyone had a problem, I thought it was my responsibility to solve it.  I let people use me then felt guilty because I didn’t like being used.  My husband manipulated me, lied to me, and verbally abused me.  I felt guilty because I didn’t like the way he treated me.  My children walked all over me.  They talked any way they wanted to me.  They refused to respect or follow my rules.  I felt guilty when I became angry at them for treating me that way.”

In Boundaries –Part 1, I wrote about what a boundary was, how dysfunctional people are, like Diane, who do not have boundaries, and how multi-generational this problem can be.   I wrote about how important it is for children to be taught to have a sense of “self,” and how people like to be around others who have good boundaries.  Boundaries-Part 2 will deal with the process of learning how to have good, healthy boundaries.

Many people have developed a high tolerance for pain, mistreatment, and insanity from boundary violation.  It may be difficult to discern when one is being hurt by another, or when  someone else is doing the hurting, but it is painful, and sometimes it has to hurt long and hard before there is recognition that it is indeed hurting.   Many do not have a frame of reference for what is normal and appropriate.  How can someone be told to stop hurting another if they’re not sure it hurts?  How can “inappropriate” be identified if that is all one has ever lived with?

Boundaries have to be worked at, and because of long-term family dynamics, one person may have to work harder at it than another.  It may be something a person has to work at for the rest of their lives, because setting boundaries is connected to growing in self-esteem, dealing with feelings, breaking the rules, and even developing spiritually.  Deep-seated shame can be a significant impediment or block in setting boundaries that need to be set.

One’s self and one’s boundaries develop and emerge as self-confidence grows, as one interacts with healthy people, and a clearer idea is gained of what is appropriate and what isn’t.  The longer a person stays in the process, the easier it becomes to set boundaries.  It is a process because:

·         Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of one’s self, no matter what happens, where one goes, or who one is with.

·         Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what one believes they deserve and don’t deserve.

·         Boundaries materialize from the belief that what one wants and needs, likes and dislikes, is important.

·         Boundaries emerge from a deeper sense of one’s personal rights, especially the right a person has to take care of themselves and to be one’s self.

·         Boundaries appear as a person learns to value, trust, and listen to themselves.

The purpose of setting healthy boundaries is to gain enough security and sense of self to get close to others without the threat of losing one’s self, of smothering them, of trespassing, or being invaded.  It is not to build thick walls around one’s self, which makes one less able to experience closeness and intimacy.  It is not a matter of becoming hyper vigilant.  Healthy boundaries allow a person to play, to be creative, to be spontaneous, and be able to love and be loved.  However, setting boundaries requires a certain loss of control.  They require one to let go.  But by having them, a person can trust themselves to enforce the boundaries and take care of themselves and to develop a better sense of self.  A person begins to understand who they are, and can become reassured that they can trust themselves.

Here are some ideas on how to set healthy emotional boundaries:

1   When you identify your need to set a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger in a calmer time and not in the emotion of the moment, and in as few words as possible.  Avoid justifying, rationalizing, or apologizing.  Offer a brief explanation, if it makes sense to do that.  You will not be able to maintain emotionally intimate relationships until you can tell people what hurts and what feels good.  The most important person to notify of your boundary is yourself.

       You cannot simultaneously set a boundary or limit and take care of another person’s feelings.  The two actions are mutually exclusive.

       You’ll probably feel ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.  Do it anyway.  People may not know that they are trespassing.  And people don’t respect people they can use.  People use people they can use, and respect people they can’t use.  Healthy limits will benefit everyone around you, even children.

    

    Anger, rage, complaining and whining are clues that boundaries need to be set.  The things you say you cannot stand, do not like, feel angry about, and hate may be areas crying out for boundaries.  The process doesn’t mean an absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an idiot light on a car dashboard. 

Other clues that may indicate that a boundary is necessary are when you feel threatened, suffocated, or victimized by someone.  This may require you to break through a barrier of shame and fear.  Your body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get angry to establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

Boundaries need consequences when they are violated.  You will be tested when you set boundaries and you need to be determined to follow through on the consequences and find the energy to enforce them.   It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes energy.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  Once you know what your limits are—really know—it won’t be difficult to convince others.  In fact, people often sense when you’ve reached your limit.  You’ll stop attracting boundary invaders!  Things will change.

A woman went to her therapist and recited her usual and regular tirade of complaints about her husband.  “When will this stop?”  the woman finally asked the counselor.  “When you want it to,” the therapist responded.

     Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with boundaries.  Your boundaries need to match your behavior.  What you do needs to match what you say.  If you say your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary.  It’s a wish.  Consequences and ultimatums are the best way to enforce boundaries.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Your boundary gives you a guideline to make a choice.

       

Some people will be happy to respect your boundaries.  The problem hasn’t been what others have been doing to you; it’s what you’ve been doing to yourself.  Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing a system by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.

You’ll set boundaries when you’re ready, and not a minute sooner.  Do it on your own time, not someone else’s, not even a therapist’s.  That’s because it’s connected to your personal growth.

 A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and reinforce boundaries.  It can be valuable to have feedback about what is normal and what is not, what your rights are and are not.  A cheering squad who knows what you are doing is very helpful as you strive to assert your rights.

     There’s an exciting side to boundary setting.  Besides learning about what hurts and what you don’t like, you learn to identify what you do like, what feels good, what you want, and what brings you contentment.  That’s when you begin to enhance the quality of your life.  If you’re not certain who you are, and what you like and want, you have a right to make those exciting discoveries!

Healthy boundaries are a personal issue that reflect and contribute to one’s growth, one’s self, one’s connection to one’s self and to other people, and to God or the Universe.  Listening to and valuing one’s self moves one to a rich, abundant place where good can flourish.  Each one of us has a guide inside that tells us what is needful and important to know about ourselves and others.   We must love ourselves enough to listen.   


Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time"    

Boundaries -- Part 1

In geography, boundaries are the borders marking a state, a country, or a person's land.  Unlike states on maps, we don't have thick black lines delineating OUR boundaries.  Yet each of us has our own territory.  Our boundaries define and contain that territory, which includes our bodies, minds, emotions, spirit, possessions, and rights. Boundaries define and surround all our energy, the individual self that we each call "me."  Our borders are invisible, but real.  There is a place where I end and you begin.  The purpose of this blog post is to help you learn to identify and have respect for that line.

I use the term boundary frequently in the recovery work that I do with those with addictive behaviors (most people) and their loved ones whose lives have been affected by those behaviors.  It is used to describe an action--setting a boundary--meaning an attempt to set a limit on someone.  Often, when this term is used and attempted, the person is saying to someone that he or she can't use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract.  The person has decided to tell someone that they can't abuse them, or otherwise invade or infringe on them in a particular way.  The person has decided to no longer allow someone to trample on them.

But boundaries are supposed to be taught by parents, and often parents did not have a sense of boundaries, or built emotional walls instead of boundaries, or had boundaries with holes in them, or did not have consequences that put "teeth" in the boundaries.  Likely, their parents may not have had boundaries on their own actions or the actions of those around them.  Thus the dysfunction can be multi-generational, and the dysfunction can powerfully distill to the present. Inappropriate generational roles among family members, and inappropriate roles between one's family and other families, can also hurt boundary formation.

Although some people are fortunate enough to emerge into adulthood knowing who they are, and what their rights are and aren't, many emerge into adulthood with damaged, scarred, or non-existent boundaries.  Those who saw them modeled learned not to trespass on other people's territories do not now allow others to invade theirs.  They have healthy boundaries and a solid sense of self.  But for others, boundaries are inconsistent, rarely or never attached to consequences, and are completely off their radar.

Sometimes, people are so overwhelmed in their own territories that they construct thick and high emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt anymore. The walls usually start to be built in childhood when a child's boundaries and rights are invaded or violated, or they are forced into inappropriate roles with those around them. Children may have weak or non-existent boundaries if they were emotionally or physically neglected or abandoned, or if they weren't nurtured or weren't raised with appropriate discipline and limits.  They may not have developed a "self," an identity, or a healthy sense of self-esteem, because it's challenging for a "self" to form in a void.  Regardless, these walls serve as a learned coping strategy for adults that represent a sort of castle, not letting anybody get in, but also a prison, not allowing the person to get out.

Abuse, humiliation, or shame by one's caregivers damages boundaries, and the abuse, humiliation, or shame do not necessarily have had to have been in significant or memorable ways.  These behaviors can result in significant holes in one's boundaries.  As an adult, they are vulnerable to invasion in those areas until they repair and strengthen that part of their border.

If one had to take care of someone who was supposed to be their caregiver, they may believe other people's thoughts, feelings, and problems are their responsibility.  If they lived with someone who encouraged them to be overly dependent on him or her, they may not have learned they had a complete sense of their "own-ness."  They may have entered into adulthood feeling like they were half of something, and needed another person to be complete.

Controlling people invade territory.  They trespass, and think that it's their right to do so.  If one lived with someone who tried to control their thoughts, bodies, or feelings, their boundaries may have been damaged.  If their rights to their emotions, thoughts, bodies, privacy, and possessions weren't respected, they may not know as adults that they have rights.  They may not know others' rights either.

How we connected with our primary caregiver determines how we connect with others as adults.  One's boundaries determine how one fits or bonds with those around them.  If a person has weak boundaries, they may get lost in another's territory.  Relationships can cause fear because a person might feel too vulnerable and fear losing all that they have, including themselves.

People feel most comfortable around people who have healthy boundaries.  The saying goes "fences make good neighbors," and such a border engenders comfort. The challenge is to develop healthy boundaries, not too pliable or too rigid.  It is important to look at one's "fences" to determine if any pieces or sections of it need repair or replacement, or if an entire part needs to be constructed.  It is in one's own best interest to do so, thus the reason for this blog posting.

As healthy boundaries are developed, there evolves an appropriate sense of roles among family members, others, and one's self.  Respect for one's self and others is learned, not allowing one's self to be abused or to abuse.  With healthy boundaries, one cannot be controlled and will not want to control others.  There is a realization that one does not have to take responsibility for others, and a desire to not let others take responsibility for them.  Everyone takes responsibility for themselves! If one is rigid, they loosen up a bit.  A clear sense of complete self and one's rights is developed.  Respect for another's territory as well as one's own is learned through developing the skill to listen to and trust one's self.


Part Two of Boundaries will be published soon in the next blog posting.  Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time."    





  

"Find the Bad Guy" Dance

Because I do a lot of work with couples in my marriage and family therapy practice, I often see something known as “Find the Bad Guy.”  It is the dynamic that occurs when both partners are supposedly trying to protect themselves from the other, but really it is mutual attacking, accusation or blame.  I see this dynamic repeatedly.  My intention is to shine a light on it by helping people to understand it and to how to escape from it. 

This “dance” begins when one partner or the other is hurt or feels vulnerable, and one or both feel out of control.  Emotional safety begins to disappear.  The negativity continues as one or both say anything in an attempt to regain control through defining the partner in a negative way.  The receiving partner then reacts angrily.  Soon one or both feels cornered and actually are flooded with fear.  They perceive that something hurtful has been done to them, and do not usually see the impact of their responses on the other.  They forget about what is good in their partnership; they only see that “that you just stepped on my toes.”

Once this negative dance pattern occurs over and over again, a partner will come to expect it, watch for it, and react even quicker in the future when they perceive it is coming.  Subsequently, this reinforces the pattern.  By watching for and anticipating the perceived hurt, we close off all the ways out of this dead-end dance.  The partners find it hard to relax with one another, to let down their guard.  It becomes harder to emotionally connect with the other in a positive way.  The range of responses becomes more restricted as the “Find the Bad Guy” dance becomes more deeply entrenched in their interactions.

When a partner is attacking or counterattacking, they try to put their feelings aside.  After repeated occurrences, positive feelings get completely lost and the couple itself becomes lost.  The relationship becomes more unsatisfying and unsafe as partners begin viewing the other as uncaring or even defective.  Soon this pattern becomes habitual and deeply rooted, and the dance becomes almost automatic, and starts going in a “circle”:  the more one attacks, the more dangerous they appear to the other, and the more the other partner watches for the attack, the harder they hit back.  Round and round they go. 

This negative pattern is caustic and can destroy a marriage.  The only way to stop the dance and to restore safety and trust is to recognize that no one has to be the villain, to be the bad guy.  It doesn’t matter who started the dance or who is right or which details are true.  The pattern needs to be recognized as “The Bad Guy,” not the couple.  The dance is the villain and the partners are the victims.

If a couple really wants to say “enough,” they must recognize the pattern.  They both must be weary of the bickering and the drama.  They need to:

• ·         Attempt to stay in the present and focus on what is happening in the “here and now”
• ·         Attempt to not use past behaviors to justify present perceptions
• ·         Try to break the pattern of mind-reading, blaming, or assuming motives of the partner
• ·         Look at the pattern or the dance as a circular dance, fed by criticism and even contempt, realizing that there is no true “start” to a circle
• ·         Consider the alternative of continuing to do the “Find the Bad Guy” dance

I hope that this posting helps some couple out there.  Partners don’t need to do this dance anymore.

Sorry, Your Family & Friends Can’t Come to Your Mormon Wedding

Los Angeles LDS Temple

When I was the bishop, the ecclesiatical leader, of a single adult congregation of the LDS Church in Glendale, California, I was asked to do a "ring ceremony" for a couple that were married earlier in the day in the Los Angeles LDS Temple.  It consisted of the newlyweds and their bridal party entering the chapel area of an LDS Sunday meeting house, as bridal parties usually do to the music of the Lohengrin Wedding March, I welcoming the guests, I being kind of a master of ceremonies and offering very brief advice to the couple, overseeing the vows each offered to their new partner, and overseeing the exchange of rings.

For many Californian members of the LDS Church, this serves as kind of a "consolation gift" to family members and loved ones who are not members of the Church, or who are members but who voluntarily do not enter into the Temple because of worthiness issues, or who are too young.

Besides the honor of being asked to participate with this particular bride and groom on their special day, my excitement was tempered by the knowledge that non-member family could not be present at the real wedding ceremony.  It seemed a shame to me.  I had heard stories about, and had personally witnessed, how challenging it was to not allow loved ones, particularly parents who were not members of the Church and were attempting to accept their child becoming a member of it, to be excluded on this momentous day. Now I was in the middle of this dilemma.  It seemed so exclusionary, so off-putting to non-members at a time when the Church hungered for acceptance and pushed for missionary work among family and friends.  

However, I simply never questioned the issue; I simply relegated it to the shelf of "that's just the way things are."  

I also didn't question the idea that if a couple decided to not get married in the temple; they needed to wait a year before doing so. That too went on that shelf. 

I embraced the belief, and still do today, that if one or both spouses were newly baptized, it was a prudent practice to have them wait a year before making the sacred promises or covenants that I believe in that are made in the Temple.  But in some cases, the bride and groom are not new members, but must still wait a year. 

Also, there is a definite stigma associated with choosing not to originally marry in the Temple.  It is widely thought in most congregations that if a couple do not at first marry there and are long-time members, they have engaged in pre-marital sex and as such are not worthy to enter.   Ironically, not every worthy couple chooses to be married in the Temple because they may want to have their non-member loved ones participate in the ceremony. But they likely will be gossiped about in the congregation by unknowing, uncaring members.  And they still must wait a year...BUT NOT EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD!

It seems very ironic that Church policy on this issue differs in different parts of the world.  In the US, Canada and South Africa, where the governments have empowered Church members with civic powers to marry people, couples who choose to not marry originally in the Temple must wait a year.  They are compelled to make a choice of whether to have only members at the ceremony or not be married in the Temple.

But in the United Kingdom, for example, where the government does not empower church members to marry, LDS couples are required to be married civically outside of the Temple, a marriage in which all loved ones can participate.  The couple then enter the Temple later in the day where they are able to "be sealed for time and eternity" and which is attended only by members.  Such temples in the UK will even go so far as to make the temple available as late as 10 p.m. to accomodate the two services.

Micah Nickolaisen, a professional LDS photographer in the Phoenix area, has observed how painful these matters often are for young Mormon couples. He stated recently, “If that pain is justified, if that’s what God wants, if there’s some doctrinal or theological reason that it has to be that way, then maybe that’s the price we have to pay, but it seems so pointless. What are we accomplishing except creating distance from us and the people we’re trying to influence and put on a good impression for?”

Consequently, some faithful Mormons are asking leaders to reconsider the policy of forcing couples wherever possible to wait a year for the sealing if they also have a civil ceremony. A new website, Family First Weddings, collects statements about the policy and encourages members to write respectful letters to the church hierarchy explaining how the policy hurts them and their relationships. I went to the website and copied their mission statement, which is found below:

Our mission is to raise awareness of a current policy of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that discourages couples from having a civil marriage prior to a temple sealing. This policy makes a temple sealing unavailable for one year to any couple that decides to have a civil wedding first. We want to see this policy changed.

Our goal is to urge people to carefully ponder this policy with open hearts and determine whether or not they would support a change. We invite all who would like to see a change to join us by writing a letter or by sharing your wedding story.  We are collecting emails, stories, and letters to help format a letter that will be sent, through official channels, to our leaders in Salt Lake City. We will be also passing along the letters and stories that will be part of a packet that will accompany the letter.

Subsequent to my research on this matter as well as looking into my heart, I am choosing to support a change in policy, at least for the US, Canada and South Africa, promoted by Family First Weddings.  I will ask the leadership of the Church along with others to embrace a Church-wide policy (I believe this issue is not doctrinal in any way) similar to what now exists in the UK, to allow there to be a choice for LDS couples.  I would like non-LDS family and friends to not be excluded on this very special day, and would like for them to walk away from the events of the day without any possible negative feelings about the Church.  In the doctrine of the Church, families are always first.  Family issues can even trump meeting attendance and acceptance of responsibilities, for ecample.  Why not promote the family first concept on this day when new families are first begun?

This marks a definite transition in my thoughts and feelings on this matter.  I hope that a change is forthcoming.

Refute-->Rethink-->Rewire, a Cognitive Choice

I have written on this blog about how I/we often think and how often those thoughts can be automatic, often irrational and unwanted.  The concept of thought and feeling control is constantly on my mind because of my schooling, professional, and personal experience.  I talk about it routinely in the work that I do as a psychotherapist, and I personally have struggled, and sometimes still struggle, with controlling my own thoughts and feelings.  Because of my extensive exposure to the issue of habitual, irrational, and unwanted thoughts, it allows my to speak about them both theoretically and as a practical matter.

It was during the course of a recent therapy session that was a follow up session to one in which I attempted to explain aspects of thought and feeling control, that the client attempted to describe what I had explained in his own words.  I was so impressed by his summation that I felt like I needed to write about it on my blog.  

Before articulating what he said, I need to review the concept.  When an particular event or behavior occurs, we often automatically experience some response to it. This response can be physical, emotional, or cognitive (thought)-- or all three, depending upon its nature.  

For example, if I am talking with someone at a party and I accidentally bump their arm and their drink spills, here are some of my possible physical responses:

--Put my drink down and use my napkin or another napkin(s) to mitigate the spill
--Feel a "knot" in my stomach
--Cry (an emotional response as well)

Here are some of my possible emotional responses:

--Embarrassment
--Shame
--Regret

Here are some of my possible cognitive responses:
--Offer an apology
--Berate myself (could also be emotional)
--Express embarrassment (both cognitive and emotional)

Such responses are likely all intertwined and likely not sequential in their occurrence.  They do flood the event.  In most cases, they are involuntary and as such completely automatic.  Based upon my life experiences, I will likely respond without thinking. Interestingly, because we usually remember events that have emotion connected with them, I will likely remember the event for awhile because of the emotional connection.

There may not always be a physical response, but there certainly will almost certainly be an emotional or cognitive reaction to such events.  Sometimes, we feel emotion and then the thought comes; sometimes the thought precedes the emotion, but one will surely follow the other.  And as previously stated, either, both, or all three can, and often do, overwhelm us like a huge wave.  The wave crashes, flooding us with thoughts and feelings that are usually automatic and not necessarily rational.

Refute

If a given event causes unwelcome and unwanted responses, our challenge is to refute the thought(s), to challenge them, to question their validity.  If we do not attempt to refute it, but continue to dwell on it, such an event can lead us to engage in destructive behaviors, whether that be indulging in some addictive behavior, getting very upset with others, or beating ourselves up emotionally, to name just a few negative outcomes.

Refuting these thoughts and feelings is challenging. It is hard work and requires mindfulness as to what is happening.  It requires being painfully honest with ourselves.  It requires facing some of our greatest fears.  It requires us to refute previous assumptions. It requires us to choose to look at ourselves and situations through a new and different lens.

Rethink

Such mindful introspection will hopefully lead us to rethink these unwanted, occasional guests.  Emotions can be overwhelming.  The idea is to go to our cognitive, logical place and remove the emotion(s) attached to a situation.  Part of our mindfulness is to recognize what is happening in the moment. We must look to where it might have come from, likely from our families of origin and growing up years.

Rethinking makes us ask ourselves what benefit it has for us to continue harboring these thoughts and feelings.  We can ask ourselves, "Do I really want to continue to feel this way?"  "What is the benefit of continuing responding like this?  "Do these responses serve a constructive purpose, or are they just "fodder for the cannon?"

And if they are "fodder for the cannon," or in other words, something with which to figuratively shoot ourselves or others, it is a good idea to ask ourselves, "What can happen to me and others if I continue to feel and think this way?"

As with refuting, rethinking is likewise very difficult.  It demands that we be real with ourselves. It demands that we choose to not surrender to the negative thoughts and feelings but instead stay logical and mentally figure out a new strategy.  It demands that we choose to me mindful and observant of how we respond in certain situations.  Situational rethinking can lead to an overall reframing of how we choose to respond to these negatives.

Rewire

There is a growing body of research that treats the subject of "neural plasticity."  This new frontier of brain research is showing that we humans are capable of rewiring the neurological pathways within our brains, no matter our age.  The objective for refuting and rethinking unwanted thoughts and feelings is to begin the process of rewiring.  

As children, we are flooded with the new world around us.  Ultimately, we learn to respond in both positive and negative situations in fairly consistent ways.  In other words, when we experience events over time such as the one described previously, or similar painful experiences, we come to respond to them in predictable, often emotion-filled ways, much like we did as children.  The neurons that over time fire consistently (and instantaneously) come to fire automatically--with little or no thought.  They will involuntarily fire.  

All they need to begin firing in their predictable ways is for us to experience a embarrassing, awkward, or upsetting situation.  Such automatic, ingrained thoughts with accompanying emotions that began years ago, even in our childhood, can still unwillingly fire as adults in these emotion-packed situations.  They are our "default settings," to use computer jargon.

Our brains are full of "default settings."  Many of them come from our "limbic system" deep within the brain.  The "limbic system," sometimes called the reptilian brain, is our instinctual "fight, flight, or freeze" brain function that can serve us well when we're in danger.  But it can also cause havoc, if the default response is unwanted.  

The "pre-frontal cortex," located in the front of the brain, is the judgment part of the brain where choices are made.  This part of the brain can be damaged, and sadly, when we are addicted to a substance or to an addictive behavior, our ability to control and choose becomes greatly reduced.  

In essence, we are "addicted" to our negative feelings and thoughts.  But we can begin the process of rewiring by refuting and rethinking.  We start to empower our minds to act rationally and introspectively, thus taking away the power from our unwanted negative feelings and thoughts. We start to realize that feelings aren't facts, they're just feelings.  We start to believe we have power over them.

By embracing these 3 Rs, we challenge our "default settings."  By choosing to do so, the rewiring process begins.  The change does not occur over night, but change can occur.  We can begin to live without those routine responses. We can begin to take more control over our lives.  We can begin to say "no, I don't want that" to our "limbic brains.  

Refute, rethink, and rewire is a powerful, mindful, cognitive way to take control of your life.  It can be life changing!

Good-bye, Stan

I have occasionally dealt with the ultimate transition on this blog.  Most recently, I wrote of the emotions I felt upon visiting Ground Zero this past summer.  A friend not much older than me was killed in an accident a couple of days ago, and it has given me pause in my hectic but healthy and accident-free world.

Stan Klock was a single man who sang in the Southern California Mormon Choir.  He lived a solitary but fairly fulfilling life in the Long Beach area.  I know that he lived quite modestly and also know that his wants and needs were likewise modest.  He tried to take the train whenever he could, and mostly relied on others to take him to SCMC performances.  I did so on a couple of occasions.  He accepted what his life was and never complained.

I also gave him a ride a couple of times to performances in Santa Clarita of the The Master's College Christmas Program which we attended along with a few others from the SCMC.  It was during these rides that I really got to know Stan, and appreciated his goodness.

He always tried to be upbeat.  He always made a big deal out of seeing me at Choir, especially recently when I have not been able to attend consistently.  He never spoke poorly of anyone but really tried to build them up.  Stan always attempted to build me up, telling me what a good singer I was, how I seemed to have my life together, how wise he thought I was, how great I was for helping him.  Stan seemed to humble himself in my presence, which at times I must admit made me feel a little uncomfortable.  

In the future, when I think about Stan, I will picture his interesting face and graying hair.  I will think of standing next to him or near him as we sang together in the bass section.  I will remember his kindness toward me and his desire to be a friend and to connect with me.  Our trips to the concerts in Santa Clarita will stay in my memory.  I will not forget his gentle way, for he indeed was a gentle man.  

I feel a loss and I am sad.  The world is a little bit worse off because he is no longer here.  But I have deep faith that he will find great contentment and joy on the other side.  Thanks for being my friend, Stan.

My Boys!

A great thing happened today!  My two boys were in my house at the same time, smiling, joking, being--you know, brothers!  Considering their history, this was indeed a momentous occasion.  They got together a few days ago, but this was in my home with my wife.  I was all smiles.

Robert (BJ) and Douglas

Specialist Douglas Davis, on leave from his Army duties for about 12 days before heading off to his posting in Hawaii, sought to spend time with his older brother.  Robert Davis (BJ), away from the Beacon House, his rehab facility, and with sobriety approaching 3 1/2 years, sought to spend time with his younger brother.

Both are nearly the same height (BJ is just a tiny bit taller), both have short hair, both are good looking (in my opinion), and both are grateful for the relationship they now have with one another.  They both cooked a delicious Sunday dinner for my wife and me.

What different and amazing journeys these boys are on.  BJ is on his path to becoming a Certified Alcohol and Drug Rehab Counselor and may yet graduate from college.  Douglas graduated from Cal State Long Beach and may or may not make the Army his career; much depends on what happens in the next few months. Neither has any idea what their situations will be in say five years from now.  BJ will be 35 and Doug 32. I think that's okay with both of them, though.  

What is known is that they will always be my boys.  I am extremely proud of them for the men that they are now, and the men they are becoming.  I am grateful for them, and pray that I may see them for many more years to come.

My Combat Medic Son

As a parent of four children (now all adults), I think about their “launchings.”  Rebecca, while divorced, is a loving mother to my oldest grandchild, Isaac.  I’m pleased that he is living with her and that she has a gig as a permanent substitute secondary teacher in Washington.  Emily is entrenched in her role as wife and mother to four of my grandchildren in New Jersey, and is married to my wonderful son-in-law, Adam.  Robert (BJ) is at the end of the second semester of a three semester program to become a licensed Alcohol and Drug Rehab Counselor, and his employment future, while not perfectly clear at this point, looks bright. 

Douglas, my youngest, graduated from California State, Long Beach with a BS in Psychology, but could not find permanent, full-time work in his field.  Frustrated at his prospects, he decided to leave his son, Daniel, with his mother Jeannine, and joined the US Army.  Because of his degree and due to a high score on a national test, he was able to choose which field in which to serve within the spectrum of the Army, and chose to become a Combat Medic.

He completed a nine-week basic training at Fort Sill, Oklahoma, and then was transferred to Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio, Texas for a 16-week training.  At Fort Sam, he learned many skills and along the way became certified as an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician.)  

Toward the end of his time there, he was given a 36-month posting in Hawaii—Schofield Barracks.  Near the end of the marathon, the medics were required to spend a two-week period at a multi-service testing facility called Camp Bollis.  There they were given opportunities to practice what they had learned in battle-like circumstances, with some soldiers “doing to” and some being “done to.”  He talked about it as being a very intense experience, including a possible battle circumstance of going 40 hours without sleep.  It was very challenging for him because he was far from being 100% physically.

When I arrived 60 hours ago to be present at his graduation, I was surprised at how thin he looked.  He reported that he weighs about 170, which is pretty slender for a 6’1 to 6’2” fellow.  He was in a battle fatigues (he gave them an acronym that I can’t remember; everything in the military has an acronym!) He was all about medical terminology and skeletal and muscle identification.   Due to an unfortunate physical incident that occurred during his time there, I learned that he is not operating even close to full capacity.  In spite of that event, he eventually was able to do the soldier minimum necessary to graduate, of 40 push-ups and 60 sit-ups—in a two minute period, and a two-mile run in no more than 15 minutes, all with a broken body.

This morning I attended his graduation.  It was really amazing to see (and hear) 305 soldiers receive their diplomas, dressed in their white shirts and blue pants and smart-looking berets.  (Hoo-ahh!!!)  Listening to the Star Spangled Banner, always an emotional experience, was a particularly emotional experience for me, given these circumstances.  I enjoyed listening to the “hoo-ahhs” during the talks given by leadership (the "hoo-ahh" was a forceful, testosterone-laden sound!) I also enjoyed listening to the Army Song and the Army Creed sung and voiced by Doug and the others.  It was thrilling to hear them march back to their barracks singing and shouting in cadence.

I am very proud of Specialist Davis, Douglas.  (I learned that he is a "Specialist"-- almost a Corporal and not a Private First Class, because he is a college graduate.)  He did something really difficult under difficult circumstances.  I appears that he is launching--a very good thing!  I hope that as he departs for his posting in Hawaii, he will find further clarity as to exactly what the next few years might contain.  His main motivation is to be near his son Daniel as best he can, and wants to make decisions in the foreseeable future that will facilitate that desire.  A gigantic “hoo-ahh” for you, Doug!

Negative Feelings and Emotions

The following list contains positive emotions and a common opposite negative emotion:

Calmness/Anger, Carefree/Insecurity, Courage/Fearfulness, Exuberance/Depression, Safety/Anxiety, Connectedness/Loneliness, Clarity/Confusion, Love/Apathy, Joy/Sadness, Satisfaction/Dissatisfaction, Excitement/Boredom, Innocence/Guilt, Bliss/Pain

Reviewing the “opposites” list above, most of us have felt many if not all of these negative emotions at one time or another.  Feeling negative emotions is unpleasant and can be painful.  We don’t want to feel the pain, or we may tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be feeling those negative emotions. 

When we feel physical pain, we view it as a feedback mechanism that informs us that something is harming us and such a situation should be avoided or modified.  However, we respond quite differently when we feel emotional pain.  We do not think something is wrong, but rather, we think that something is wrong with us.  But we can choose to view emotional pain similarly to the way we view physical pain: as a feedback mechanism that informs us that our heart or spirit is being harmed and that something in our lives needs to be changed. 

 

For example, when you once felt anger, could it be that you have been emotionally violated in some way, and your heart or spirit has been harmed to your detriment?

When you once felt fear, could it be that you perceived danger and that something or somebody might hurt you?

When you once felt depressed and your heart or spirit was shutting down from emotional pain, could it be that you might have needed to make some changes in the way you thought or framed the event?

When you once felt guilt, could it be that a choice you may have made emotionally hurt yourself or someone else and that it was not a wise choice?

When you once felt despair, could it be that you had lost hope that tomorrow was another day and that things would likely get better?

Negative emotions can serve a purpose.   We may not want or like to feel them, but it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  Feelings aren’t facts, they’re just feelings.  What matters is what we do with them.  We can go three ways with them, and it can be tempting to default to two of them:  surrendering our will to them, or shutting them down completely.

TWO DEFAULT OPTIONS

Heather‘s three kids had been noisy and she heard constant crying.  They just appeared to run around and scream.  Her nerves were frayed.  She barely got them down for a nap and was relishing a much needed quiet time when she heard a crash down the hall.   Upon arriving in one of the kid’s rooms, she realized that her almost three year old had pulled on a cord and toppled a vase which had shattered.  What was she feeling?  Perhaps negative emotions like anger, even perhaps rage.  Does she surrender her will to the moment and scream at the child, telling him how clumsy and stupid his is?  It will make her feel good—temporarily.  Is this her “default” response?  

Mark had just found out from the doctor that the hearing loss he had experienced in one ear was not going to get better and that he would likely have to deal with it the rest of his life.  When his brother David asked him how he was handling the disturbing news, he remarked that it could have been both ears.  When David pressed him a little more as to how difficult it might be and that it was too bad that Mark would have to deal with it long term, Mark became a little upset and wondered if David was just trying to make him feel bad.  Does Mark just “put a happy face” on the situation and stuff the feelings, shutting them down as he usually does and supposedly hiding them away?

What are the consequences of these two approaches?  The first one is that you can surrender completely to your emotions, losing control to the tsunami of emotion and perhaps physically or emotionally hurt others.   Inappropriate words can be as hurtful as inappropriate actions.  Our surrendering to hurtful words, and sometimes even actions, usually leads to deep regret afterwards.  Is this a “default” setting. 

The second one is you can always shut down or stuff these negative feelings, pretending that they are not there, and be emotionally flat.  This may seem a more level-headed thing to do, except unresolved feelings do not go away.  They just remain in the dark, festering and mildly churning like bad food in one's stomach, until some provocative event occurs.  In that moment, all of the unresolved emotions come quickly to the surface and we "vomit" or explode on people, often those with whom we have strong emotional connections like family or friends.

Jose’s wife was routinely getting on him for not paying more attention to, and spending more time with, the children.  He would listen to her passively and then walk away.  He kept doing this until one day, his daughter Angela spoke to him in what he considered a disrespectful manner.  Even though she said it in a non-provocative way, he exploded emotionally, walked up to her with fists clenched, getting about six inches from her face, and started yelling at her about how disrespectful she was.  She burst into tears and ran away, afraid and hurt, even though he hadn’t touched her.  Jose immediately felt terrible.

A THIRD OPTION

The more healthy approach is to feel what you are feeling, but realizing that feelings indeed are not facts.  Such negative feelings can certainly serve that purpose and indicate to us and inform us that something is in fact wrong.  And it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  We can manage them by saying to ourselves that they are not us.  We can be in control of them.  We can think about why we are feeling a certain way and try to determine what that negative emotion is communicating to us about ourselves.

How can feelings be felt in a constructive way?  We can remove ourselves from a triggering event or situation and give ourselves a “time out,” and be alone for awhile.  We can talk to our spouse, a relative, or a friend, and vent.  Alone, we can cuss.   We can scream into a pillow or punch it a few times.  We can go for a walk and isolate ourselves for awhile and try to get perspective on what just happened.  We can write about it, and emotionally dump our feelings onto paper, and as such, out of us.  In fact, feeling the feeling and then getting it out of our system is very healthy.

Sometimes a situation arises in which there are negative feelings and emotions between two emotionally attached individuals, such as in a spousal relationship.  As we process why we are feeling a certain way or what is to be learned from the disagreement, this time of “sitting” with our negative emotions can be very instructive.  It is fine to not have everything resolved in a relationship at any particular time.  We must not think that we must try to repair the disharmony immediately.

Returning to the earlier story of Heather and the broken vase, exercising the Third Option, perhaps she could have pushed the vase behind a dresser where it would be out of the way, and then excused herself to a quiet place in the house—to cool down.  Later in the day, when the emotion had subsided, she could reflect on what changes need to be made in her life.  What could this negative experience and negative emotions teach her.  Is she getting enough support in parenting?  Is she getting enough sleep?  Is it time to change the naptime dynamic?  Or is something deeper going on?  Maybe she is treating others about as well as she subconsciously believes she should be treated.  Or is it that she feels out of control and disrespected which implies that she secretly fears that she does not deserve to be respected?  Could it be that her anger came when she felt threatened in some deep way? 

Negative feelings and emotions are a feedback mechanism that can inform us that some aspect of our lives needs to be changed.  They are the way the Universe or God helps us to get to our “whole place.”  And there is always a Third Option to get us to that “whole place” rather than surrendering ourselves to the tsunami of those feelings or stuffing them.  

East Coast Swing - Summer 2013

One of the reasons why my wife and I spent two weeks on the East Coast was to spend time with our daughter, son-in-law, and four grandbabies in New Jersey.  Another reason was to help with the Open House of the wedding of one of our nephews, Philip Johnson, in Maryland. Interestingly, the girl that he married was from New Jersey, and although they were married in the D.C. area, the reception was near her family home in New Jersey.

We landed in Baltimore and spent 36 hours or so there with my sister-in-law and her family, then drove to New Jersey to spend five days with our daughter's family, and drove back to Maryland and spent 3 1/2 days there.  We then went with the Maryland family north to New Jersey, then took a train farther north in New Jersey to our daughter's home once again, then departed 48 hours later from Newark.

The experience was at times fun, at times intense, at times spiritual, at times joyful, but always muggy warm or hot.  Even so, I wanted to share some of the sights of this trip.  The pictures are arranged chronologically, as we went from place to place.  The previous blog posting would have occurred after we left Central Park and went south on Manhattan.  

As I told many who asked how the experience was, it was memorable but not restful.  And that's okay because that was my expectation.  Hope you enjoy the pictures!

The Beautiful Jefferson Memorial in DC

Thomas Jefferson - I felt almost a "temple" feeling here

Standing in the work line at the FDR Memorial

The Martin Luther King Memorial - an important man

The new Vietnam Nurses Memorial - very emotional for me

One of the statues at the Metropolitan Museum in New York

The hidden Alice in Wonderland sculpture in New York's Central Park

The remote control sailboats in Central Park

Typical New York City street (I believe it was north on 5th Avenue), and Philip's Wedding in DC below

Back in New Jersey, three homes near where Emily and Adam live - abuts to a lovely "firefly" park

Eddie Spaghetti being silly

Lucy Goosey being silly

Charley Barley being silly

I have to admit, Charley looks like "Mini-Me"

Elizabeth, with swimming goggles, posing, as she is wont to do

Pumpa roaring like a lion, similar to a picture on my desk taken almost three years ago at the LA Zoo.