Negative Feelings and Emotions

The following list contains positive emotions and a common opposite negative emotion:

Calmness/Anger, Carefree/Insecurity, Courage/Fearfulness, Exuberance/Depression, Safety/Anxiety, Connectedness/Loneliness, Clarity/Confusion, Love/Apathy, Joy/Sadness, Satisfaction/Dissatisfaction, Excitement/Boredom, Innocence/Guilt, Bliss/Pain

Reviewing the “opposites” list above, most of us have felt many if not all of these negative emotions at one time or another.  Feeling negative emotions is unpleasant and can be painful.  We don’t want to feel the pain, or we may tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be feeling those negative emotions. 

When we feel physical pain, we view it as a feedback mechanism that informs us that something is harming us and such a situation should be avoided or modified.  However, we respond quite differently when we feel emotional pain.  We do not think something is wrong, but rather, we think that something is wrong with us.  But we can choose to view emotional pain similarly to the way we view physical pain: as a feedback mechanism that informs us that our heart or spirit is being harmed and that something in our lives needs to be changed. 

 

For example, when you once felt anger, could it be that you have been emotionally violated in some way, and your heart or spirit has been harmed to your detriment?

When you once felt fear, could it be that you perceived danger and that something or somebody might hurt you?

When you once felt depressed and your heart or spirit was shutting down from emotional pain, could it be that you might have needed to make some changes in the way you thought or framed the event?

When you once felt guilt, could it be that a choice you may have made emotionally hurt yourself or someone else and that it was not a wise choice?

When you once felt despair, could it be that you had lost hope that tomorrow was another day and that things would likely get better?

Negative emotions can serve a purpose.   We may not want or like to feel them, but it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  Feelings aren’t facts, they’re just feelings.  What matters is what we do with them.  We can go three ways with them, and it can be tempting to default to two of them:  surrendering our will to them, or shutting them down completely.

TWO DEFAULT OPTIONS

Heather‘s three kids had been noisy and she heard constant crying.  They just appeared to run around and scream.  Her nerves were frayed.  She barely got them down for a nap and was relishing a much needed quiet time when she heard a crash down the hall.   Upon arriving in one of the kid’s rooms, she realized that her almost three year old had pulled on a cord and toppled a vase which had shattered.  What was she feeling?  Perhaps negative emotions like anger, even perhaps rage.  Does she surrender her will to the moment and scream at the child, telling him how clumsy and stupid his is?  It will make her feel good—temporarily.  Is this her “default” response?  

Mark had just found out from the doctor that the hearing loss he had experienced in one ear was not going to get better and that he would likely have to deal with it the rest of his life.  When his brother David asked him how he was handling the disturbing news, he remarked that it could have been both ears.  When David pressed him a little more as to how difficult it might be and that it was too bad that Mark would have to deal with it long term, Mark became a little upset and wondered if David was just trying to make him feel bad.  Does Mark just “put a happy face” on the situation and stuff the feelings, shutting them down as he usually does and supposedly hiding them away?

What are the consequences of these two approaches?  The first one is that you can surrender completely to your emotions, losing control to the tsunami of emotion and perhaps physically or emotionally hurt others.   Inappropriate words can be as hurtful as inappropriate actions.  Our surrendering to hurtful words, and sometimes even actions, usually leads to deep regret afterwards.  Is this a “default” setting. 

The second one is you can always shut down or stuff these negative feelings, pretending that they are not there, and be emotionally flat.  This may seem a more level-headed thing to do, except unresolved feelings do not go away.  They just remain in the dark, festering and mildly churning like bad food in one's stomach, until some provocative event occurs.  In that moment, all of the unresolved emotions come quickly to the surface and we "vomit" or explode on people, often those with whom we have strong emotional connections like family or friends.

Jose’s wife was routinely getting on him for not paying more attention to, and spending more time with, the children.  He would listen to her passively and then walk away.  He kept doing this until one day, his daughter Angela spoke to him in what he considered a disrespectful manner.  Even though she said it in a non-provocative way, he exploded emotionally, walked up to her with fists clenched, getting about six inches from her face, and started yelling at her about how disrespectful she was.  She burst into tears and ran away, afraid and hurt, even though he hadn’t touched her.  Jose immediately felt terrible.

A THIRD OPTION

The more healthy approach is to feel what you are feeling, but realizing that feelings indeed are not facts.  Such negative feelings can certainly serve that purpose and indicate to us and inform us that something is in fact wrong.  And it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  We can manage them by saying to ourselves that they are not us.  We can be in control of them.  We can think about why we are feeling a certain way and try to determine what that negative emotion is communicating to us about ourselves.

How can feelings be felt in a constructive way?  We can remove ourselves from a triggering event or situation and give ourselves a “time out,” and be alone for awhile.  We can talk to our spouse, a relative, or a friend, and vent.  Alone, we can cuss.   We can scream into a pillow or punch it a few times.  We can go for a walk and isolate ourselves for awhile and try to get perspective on what just happened.  We can write about it, and emotionally dump our feelings onto paper, and as such, out of us.  In fact, feeling the feeling and then getting it out of our system is very healthy.

Sometimes a situation arises in which there are negative feelings and emotions between two emotionally attached individuals, such as in a spousal relationship.  As we process why we are feeling a certain way or what is to be learned from the disagreement, this time of “sitting” with our negative emotions can be very instructive.  It is fine to not have everything resolved in a relationship at any particular time.  We must not think that we must try to repair the disharmony immediately.

Returning to the earlier story of Heather and the broken vase, exercising the Third Option, perhaps she could have pushed the vase behind a dresser where it would be out of the way, and then excused herself to a quiet place in the house—to cool down.  Later in the day, when the emotion had subsided, she could reflect on what changes need to be made in her life.  What could this negative experience and negative emotions teach her.  Is she getting enough support in parenting?  Is she getting enough sleep?  Is it time to change the naptime dynamic?  Or is something deeper going on?  Maybe she is treating others about as well as she subconsciously believes she should be treated.  Or is it that she feels out of control and disrespected which implies that she secretly fears that she does not deserve to be respected?  Could it be that her anger came when she felt threatened in some deep way? 

Negative feelings and emotions are a feedback mechanism that can inform us that some aspect of our lives needs to be changed.  They are the way the Universe or God helps us to get to our “whole place.”  And there is always a Third Option to get us to that “whole place” rather than surrendering ourselves to the tsunami of those feelings or stuffing them.  

Corey Peter Miller

He left his home in Queens that morning to take the train into the City.  Heading for his job there as a supply manager, he might have been thinking about what needed to be done that day.  Or he may have been worried about his widowed mother or younger sister, Cara, who has cerebral palsy.  Perhaps he might have been thinking about Stacy Rosen, his fiancée.  Or he could have been planning to attend a hockey game with some of his friends.

After he had logged on at work at the multi-national investment firm, he settled in and began working.  He may have thought about how he needed to keep working to enable him and Stacy to buy an apartment and get it set up.  But Corey Peter Miller had no idea what he soon would be thinking about.  He would be experiencing overwhelming fear and terror as he faced his imminent demise.  Those feelings were his and almost 3,000 others that morning of September 11, 2001 in the World Trade Center.

I’m not sure how much control he had over the circumstances of his survival that fateful day.  I thought about him and those were killed or who died as I visited Ground Zero last week.   I experienced and wrote about the potential of my own unexpected death in a recent posting, I came to feel then in some way what it might be like to know that you might soon die, and as I walked around the two fountains there that occupy the space where the Twin Towers stood, reading the names of the dead, I felt a knot in my stomach as I considered their fates. 

I started crying as I silently strolled around the fountains.  Thinking back on that warm Friday afternoon  last week, I wonder if I was not only crying for them but also for myself.  Corey Peter Miller and others had their lives snuffed out with no regard as to their future lives and plans.  I realized once again how dear my life is to me, how desperately I want to keep living,

Like my tears and those of many others, the fountains starkly flow downward on all four sides of the squares then fall again into smaller squares where the water disappears—like they did.  Even though I have faith that existence does not end in death—I’m not sure whether or not Corey Peter Miller did—I am still overwhelmed by how fragile we are.   I realized again how wonderful it is to live another day.

My Inner Dialogue about Change

Can I change? 

If I really want to. 

Is it hard to change myself and easier to just stay where I am? 

Certainly!  The status quo is always more comfortable.  I may not like this part of me, but I know it, and I haven’t felt the need to change in the past.

Does my personal history tell me that it’s difficult for me to change? 

To a certain extent. 

Can I overcome the tendency to dwell on my past to justify not changing?

Yes, but it will probably be really challenging.  

I keep telling myself that I can’t change because I haven’t completely changed in the past.

Do I want to change now?

I think so, but the thought scares me.

So am I destined to fail in the end? 

No.  I can’t believe that.

If I’m not destined to fail, then I must have the ability to walk through my fears, to overcome my past, and change, and become, in the present.

But it’s comfortable right now even though I want to change.

So how badly do I want to change?  I will have to want it badly in order to overcome the challenges that will surely come.

So I need to hold fast to my commitment in those dark times?

Yes.

What happens if I temporarily lose sight of my commitment?

I may have to reach out to people I trust to help me in those times. I may have to reach out to God.

Yes, that’s right.

I have made changes in other aspects of my life and have proven my mettle in those areas, so why can’t I begin the process of making this change now?

I can.

But I am concerned that if I attempt to make this important change in my life, those around me might bring up the past and cling to it, and justify their belief that I can’t change because I haven’t changed in the past.

That’s true, and it might happen.

But just because people around me hold to the past to justify their beliefs and actions toward me does not mean that I have to believe I can’t change.

That’s right.

I can change, but the change has to come from deep within me, and must be for myself and not for anybody else.

True, also.

I know what I want and know my thoughts and intentions.  I need to accept the things I cannot change, usually others’ opinions, and have the courage to change what I can, what I have control over; like the Serenity Prayer.

I think I can change.  Here I go….

"God, I Don't Want to Die!!!"

Last Friday evening, on the way back from Orange County, I was driving home on one of the Los Angeles freeways.  The radio was going and I was in a contented frame of mind since the BYU Volleyball team had come from two games down to win the next three and beat the #1 team in a match I had just witnessed.  I had driven about 45 minutes since leaving the game.

Suddenly, the lights on my dashboard lit up and I felt my Toyota Prius lose power.  I moved over one lane to the far right lane, and pushed the button to illuminate my emergency flashers.  The car coasted for awhile and I looked anxiously for an exit or at least a shoulder on which to roll to a stop.  There was no shoulder, and I suddenly realized to my horror that my car was not going get over the next incline and that it would come to rest in a lane of traffic.  Behind me, there was a slightly banked curve that became a straightaway for about 100-150 yards.  I probably should have exited the car and gone on the other side of the concrete barrier, but it just didn't occur to me.

I uttered a vocal prayer asking God to watch over me. Some seconds later, I had presence of mind to use my cell phone and dialed 911.  I told the dispatcher my dilemma and told her that I was stalled in traffic and to send someone as soon as possible.  She asked if I had AAA coverage and I confirmed that I did.  She stated that she would send someone right away, but I was already feeling panic.  (Writing this right now I feel the knot in my stomach that was there that night.)  I started breathing heavily and rolled down my window and started waving a rag so as to draw attention to my car and to me.

I focused on my indoor rearview mirror and watched the traffic behind me.  Helplessness and despair overcame me as I fully realized the precariousness of my position.  I would stare in horror and panic as I would see cars quickly approaching me in my lane, and scream, “Please don’t hit me!” as they swerved at the very last second into the next lane.  

Sometimes a car or worse, a semi truck, would be in my lane and I could see that there was a vehicle in the next lane that was innocently trapping them in my lane.  I would scream at the top of my lungs, “Oh God, please help me!”  On one such occasion, a semi truck screeched to a halt, a few feet behind me, his tractor shuttering with the braking.

 

I felt so vulnerable, so out of control.  “Father, I don’t want to die!”  “Please save me!”  I would see cars drawing fast behind me and scream at them to not hit me.  In a panic, I crazily continued to wave my rag, and would feel my body tense up waiting for an impact.  “God, take care of me!”  "Oh, God!" “Oh, help me!”

Once again, in a panic I called 911 again and begged them to quickly send someone, thinking my luck was running out.  I figure that I had endured this terror about 6-7 minutes, thinking that it was only a matter of time before someone would fail to see me and would hit my car full speed.  The dispatcher said that someone was on their way.  “Where are they?”  “Oh God, please help me!” (I once again feel the despair I felt and weep as I write this.)

I continued to look in my rearview mirror, terrorized by my situation and knowing there was nothing I could do about it but rely on a merciful God to save me.

When about 10 minutes or so had gone by, I was screaming at the approach of every vehicle, when suddenly I saw the lights on the dashboard flicker.  A few seconds later, feeling utter panic and terror, I saw that the emergency flashers had stopped and my car was now completely dark.  I had no interior light to use and the freeway was not particularly well lit.  I faced the reality that indeed I likely was now going to be hit and killed.  Crying uncontrollably, I was utterly devastated.  "Oh, God!" “Father, I don’t want to die!!!”

As I kept my gaze in the rearview mirror waiting for the inevitable, I suddenly noticed that there weren’t more cars coming.  A few seconds later, I saw that a Highway Patrol car was attempting to do the weaving traffic brake thing.  I was shaking, hoarse, completely overwhelmed by adrenaline.  I broke down.  An unbelievable miracle had just occurred.

The patrolman pulled up behind me, cars in all lanes respectfully stopped to see what he was going to do.  After he walked to talk with me, I did my best to communicate coherently, and he told me to continue to stay in my car and that a tow truck would be arriving shortly, which it did.  The tow truck driver, Mr. Armando Flores, took complete control, instructing me to leave my car while he hitched it up and to sit in his truck cab and try to compose myself, calmly telling me everything was going to be okay.

I could not stop shaking or crying, still overwhelmed by my emotions and adrenaline, but as the minutes past, and he eventually joined me in the cab, this angel continued to do his best to calm my heart and to reassure me that the ordeal was over and that I was safe and sound.  And so I was.

Looking back, through the tears I have felt writing this blogpost and reliving this harrowing experience, I see how I was protected by Providence.  A merciful God was watching over me and was there in my complete and utter extremity.  It was not my time to depart this life; it very easily could have been.  I was sent that Highway Patrolman at the exact time I needed him and then sent Mr. Flores to calm me and assure me.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow!