A Long Time Ago

I can remember it clearly even though it happened over 50 years ago. Memories that endure are usually those that have some emotional aspect to them.  For that reason, this episode from my childhood must have profoundly impacted me and has stayed with me all of these years.

It occurred in the front yard of the home in which I grew up in Salt Lake City.  It must have been fall because the grass was still green and I was playing with a football.  To be clear, I was playing football with myself; throwing the ball into the air and then catching it, like a quarterback throwing to a receiver.  I likely was pretending that I was Roy Jefferson, Ray Groth, Speedy Thomas, or some other University of Utah football player of that era.

My father had four season tickets for many years to U of U home football games that he or his company paid for.  He would give two of them away to different valuable customers, and would keep two for himself.  I guess Mom wasn't interested in going because she never did. 

I guess this was a way to do something five times a year with me.  He and I would sit eight rows up on about the 49 yard line, eating pistachios given us from the cigar-smoking fellow in front of us on the seventh row, on brisk autumn afternoons, and cheer for the Utes.

But on this afternoon, I was playing football with myself.  My siblings Tom and Darlene had long since married and were living elsewhere.  There were a few guys in the neighborhood that I would occasionally play with, but most of my free time outside of school and church was spent alone.  That was my reality.  It was just the way things were and I didn't know it could be any different.

That day, I asked my Dad if he could play catch with me.  I don't remember any reason that he gave, only that he said no.  Why not?

I had a baseball glove growing up and usually had a softball.  I remember throwing the ball onto roofs and catching it as it fell, kind of a fly ball.  It was a way of playing catch with myself as I played alone.  I remember, less clearly, asking Dad on numerous occasions to play catch with me, but I never recall us doing that.  Perhaps I don't remember those occasions as well because they were absent the emotional impact of that football day. Perhaps it is because of a lowered expectation that he would actually play catch with me.

I remember being taken to Rancho Bowling Alley as an eight-year old by him.  I remember how proud I was that I bowled a 56.  That was in a day where there were no gutter bumpers to keep the ball in play.  I was so young.  But even though he bowled weekly in a league, that was the only time we went bowling together. 

Other than the football games and the Saturday morning bowling trip, and occasionally visiting older people in the capacity of LDS home teaching companions, I don't recall us doing things together, a father and his boy.

To be fair, my Dad was one of eight children.  The stories told by my mother and my siblings of my grandparents usually dealt with what a mean, bitter man his father was, how his father showed favoritism for other siblings, how his father abused his wife--my grandmother who my father adored, and how his father would beat him with the "coal shovel."   

Also, because smoking was disobeying a commandment of the LDS Church, he felt shame for his habit and sought to keep his cigarette use hidden and in secret.  I have wondered if that was a determining factor in why he didn't do things with me, like go fishing or be taken on a business trip.  But I have also wondered if there was something about me....

I also realize that for his generation, parenting was something usually done by the mother and that there was not such a societal or Church focus for fathers to be engaged with their children.  

But I have wondered if all of these reasons are merely excuses for a Dad who didn't want to interact with his son who desperately needed to be attached to him.  I have wondered if he was incapable of really loving, or was I not worthy of his love.

Through my own work being in therapy, and now sitting in the therapist chair, helping others with their family of origin issues, I have realized just how this lack of connection, this abandonment, affects them in many ways, and has affected me as an adult.  When I talk with clients about their abandonment issues and how they manifest in certain dysfunctions in their relationships, I realize how close to home that is for me.  

I have wondered if I had been fathered differently if I would have been a better father to my two boys.  And I wonder how my boys will be as fathers to their boys.

And so here I am, a 60-year old, understanding where many of my abandonment feelings originated, yet wistful about my upbringing by my father.  I have mourned the feelings of not having a father who loved and cherished me. I have wept over that loss and how nothing can be done to change the past.  I have surrendered my past to God knowing that this abandonment was part of my journey and was an important factor in becoming the sensitive, caring, empathetic person that I believe I am today.  But the memory of that fall afternoon so long ago still hurts.  

The Level of Our Dysfunction

There are many books and articles that deal with couple relationships.  Oodles of them!  I certainly haven't read them all, but of the many that I've read, I have not found as of yet a sentiment or phrase that mirrors what I came up with long ago as a new intern.  I find it surprising to not have read it.  It seems to be so self-evident.  I would think that anyone who deals with dyadic, partner relationships on a regular basis would have come to the following conclusion, and written:

Couples find a partner to the level of their dysfunction (or function)

What does that mean?  It means that in nearly all cases, whatever unresolved dysfunction we bring to a relationship as a result of our upbringing or early experiences will cause us to couple up with someone who is as dysfunctional as we are.  Another way of stating it would be:  if I bring negative stuff, issues, @#$%!, to a romantic relationship, my partner will have likely have as much stuff, issues, and @#$%! as I do.  The dysfunctions may not be identical, although in many cases they are (at their core), but we can only attract to us what we are.

Looking at it yet another way, if I am having issues with my partner--the negative baggage they have brought and it is negatively affecting the relationship, chances are that you have either the same issues (at their core) or similar issues as they have.

This concept I consistently find in my work with couples may be difficult to swallow, but if you think about it logically, it can begin to make a lot of sense. 

Let's assume for a moment that our dysfunction/function could be put on a scale of 0 to 5, and 0 is emotionally REALLY messed up, and 5 is emotional REALLY functional and healthy.  If I enter into a relationship at a 2.5, for instance, will someone who is a 4 or more really want to be with me for any period of time?  When the honeymoon phase is past and we begin to see each others' dysfunctional "issues," the "4" will not be tolerant of the "2.5," and the "2.5" will accuse the "4" of thinking that they're perfect.  The relationship will not last long.  

Instead, we unconsciously find comfort connecting with someone who is "like me," who "gets me" or who "connects with me."  Someone who is like you, gets you, and connects with you, will have similar issues and/or as many issues as you do.  It can only be that way!

This premise is also true with our level of function.  If we had the great blessing (luck) of being raised in a somewhat positive, affirming, healthy family, we will likely attract a similarly functioning person. Or to use our scale above, the "4" will likely attract a "3.5" (maybe) or a "4" (probably) or a "4.5." (probably not)

The couples that sit in front of me in therapy are not usually a pair of 4s.  Such a pair would likely not have issues that require psychotherapy.  Instead, I see anywhere from 1 to 3s, in my opinion.  I am happy that they are sitting in front of me because they see themselves as less than what they want to be and are seeking help.

But what I usually see is one partner pointing the finger at the other and expecting them to do the changing; as if their partner is really the dysfunctional one.  And while the accusing partner may want to project a facade of owning part of the problem by admitting that "I'm not perfect," they really do believe that the accused partner IS the problem.  Using my 0-5 scale, the accusing partner really sees him or herself as a "4" and their partner  as a "1" or a "2," if not a "0."  

If my hypothesis is correct, however, then the accusing partner IS part of the problem, likely a significant part, and needs to look at him or herself.  It requires looking at the underlying, core reasons for the problem that exists between partners, and coming to understand and accept one's own dysfunctions.  It often requires looking at one's family of origin and what dynamics were in play during formative years, and how stressful situations were dealt with (or not.)

The good news is that if one partner accepts personal responsibility and works on him or herself, and begins to take steps toward recovery or being in a better psychological place, the other partner will likely feel the need to take their own steps toward recovery or being in a better place.  Or they will run away screaming.  And they will run away screaming because the improving partner is evolving from a "3" to a "3.5" and that will make the "3" uncomfortable.

Taking personal responsibility in a relationship is challenging.  It is much easier to point a finger.  It is much easier to stay stuck (it's the devil you know!)  Working on yourself takes time.  It is a process, but a process that ultimately is worth the trouble.  

There are no guarantees that partnerships will last.  Sometimes the dysfunctions are too great.  Sometimes couples ultimately find out consciously or subconsciously that they are out of sync, as I have discussed above.  But if the partnership does not last, each will take their dysfunctions to the next relationship and will again find someone who is a dysfunctional as they are.  Why not work on one's self, so that if the partnership does not work, the person will be emotionally healthier for the next relationship, and will likely attract someone equally healthy?

I observe some great partnerships.  While they likely have very different personalities, both persons are emotionally healthy, are mindful of the other, are unselfish, and are working on making their partnership work.  It is as if there are three entities in the process: the two partners AND the partnership.  Emotionally healthy couples work on the partnership as they work on themselves because of their deep emotional connection.  They respect one another.  They talk things out.  They are not easily offended. They would never do anything to deliberately hurt the other.  They are of one mind and one heart.

They are undoubtedly similar in their function; it couldn't be otherwise.