Listening, Learning, and Loving

The past three blog postings have dealt with the intense, heart-wrenching, challenging stories of gays and lesbians trying to reconcile their LDS religious beliefs with their un-chosen sexual orientation.  The stories have moved and profoundly touched me.  I could post more stories of others in this community, but I have other thoughts and feelings that I want to explore on my blog.  I want to share where I am  now, for better or for worse, in what I have come to call "The Struggle."  I do so unapologetically.

Some who read my blog may already be aquainted with a website titled: mormonstories.org.  It contains hundreds of hours of interview, most by John Dehlin, whom I have come to appreciate and admire for his courage to examine difficult (and some not so difficult) issues of life, and issues within the Church.  In one of his recent offerings, he posted a talk on Novmeber 21st given at Utah State University.  It was given under the auspices of TED Talks, a great resource for learning all kinds of things from all kinds of experts.  His topic was about why he is an "LGBT Ally," and in it he talked about three concepts that he has come to embrace over the past 15 years or so since being confronted by his own prejudices and biases regarding gays and lesbians.  He challenges his listeners to listen, to learn, and to love.  I have taken his challenge, and will spend the balance of this posting writing about my journey.

I have to believe that most members of the Church who are quick to condemn those with same-gender attraction, who talk disparingly of those who seek to have a normal relationship with someone of their own gender, and who bristle when opining on those who want to have the same rights and priviledges as heterosexual couples, have not actually spent a significant period of time listening to such a person, much less with a conflicted or completely out member of the Church.   They likely have not made the effort to listen, to try to understand what these people think and feel.  I find it ironic because I believe that if Jesus Christ were on the earth in 2013, he would not shun them, but would listen to them, engage them in conversation, and love them.  I believe that He is at the head of the Church, so why wouldn't I follow His example as I am taught to do over the pulpit and in my classes, and do what He would do?

I have listened to some gays and lesbians in the non-LDS as well as the LDS communities.   I am touched by their humanity, their realness.  Those who are LDS share the heart-wrenching conflict between belief and the reality of their lives, most having prayed to not have the feelings they have, and most having experienced some sort of suicide ideation at one point or another.  These children of God are not evil, sinister, filthy, perverted, sex-crazed individuals.  They are like heterosexuals, just wanting to be accepted and loved like I am.  Many do not feel safe to come out to family and friends; they live in fear of rejection and condemnation, or worse.

When we choose to not understand others, when we hide behind our rigid piety, and dismiss others as sinners or less than us, we do so out of fear, and not out of love--perfect love casts out all fear.  It is easier to not confront what we do not know, to not confront the legitimate thoughts and feelings of others whose behavior we find at odds with our own beliefs, to consider them less than us.  Look at how the Jews were treated at the hands of many Germans during the late 30s and early 40s of the last century, or how many Blacks in the US have been treated throughout our nation's history.  By choosing to not engage those who are different than us, we protect ourselves from having to deal with our own uneasiness and vulnerability.  Vulnerability takes courage.  It takes challenging the emotional wall we build around ourselves for emotional protection.

I have learned just how difficult their lives can be.  Many are told to pray a little harder, read scriptures a little longer, and to just fall in love with someone of the opposite gender.  Just imagine, my heterosexual readers and friends, what you would do if someone you really respected counseled you to engage in homosexual behavior.  How would that make you feel? Could you?  Too bad if you're gay or lesbian and can't find your way to make yourself do that.  You're consigned to try to function in a family-oriented Church as a celibate, never to enjoy the love of a caring partner in this life. It is very easy for heterosexuals within the Church to tell a gay or lesbian member to just get married, or stay celibate.  And, as I have posted previously, gay and lesbian people receive different treatment from Church leadership regarding chastity than heterosexuals do.

While some LGBT people do not opt for a monogamous relationship, many heterosexuals likewise do not choose to do that.  While some LGBT are militant in their "gayness,"  they are "out and proud," many long as heterosexuals do to find "the one" and love that person wholly and completely for the rest of their lives.  While some LDS are lucky enough to have a congregational leader who is supportive and loving, many gays and lesbians are not only afraid to talk about their sexual orientation with them, but if they are finally courageous enough to do so, are given counsel that is neither accurate, nor uplifting, nor consistent.  Having been an LDS leader myself, we strive to counsel with the "Spirit," but what comes out of our mouths can often be based on falsehoods, our own decisions, our own opinions.  Just because something is written in the Handbook does not mean that it is the correct and optimal counsel to give to a tender-hearted, conflicted son or daughter of God.  Weren't the Pharisees all about the letter of the law, and not about the Spirit of the law?

I am learning to love these brothers and sisters, LDS or not.  As I have written in other postings, I see people on a "horizontal" basis and not on a "vertical" basis.  In other words, I see them as my equal--I am not above them and they are not below me  I truly believe that Heavenly Father is my Father and that I am one of His sons, and the gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, or transgender person in front of me (yes, I have met and gotten to know and appreciate a transgender individual) is my spiritual brother or sister.  He wouldn't shun or avoid them, speak evil of them, ridicule them, or disown them, so why should I?  He would try to make their burden lighter.  He would put His arms around them and hold them tight.  He would speak words of encouragement and love to them.  And I believe He would tell them that they are not exceptions to His mandate that "men [and women] are that they might have joy."

So yes, I guess my journey has brought me to a point that I can say that I too am an LGBT Ally.  I don't know if this might somehow affect my membership in some way, but I can no longer be a fence sitter.  I know what my Leaders say, but like John Dehlin believes, I believe in miracles, and I believe that doctrines and practices can change, as some have throughout the history of the Church.  I believe this "doctrine" will change. I hope so, for these my brothers and sisters.

    

The Intersection of Doing & Being

Knowing that some who read my blog do not share my religious beliefs can occasionally present a challenge to me in writing in this forum.  I am a deeply religious man but I attempt to be careful not to impose my beliefs and values on those not of my faith or who may not believe in a Supreme Being.  My religiosity is part of who I am, however, and colors my beliefs and values, and as such what I write about sometimes has religious implications.  I believe there is an overall existential application for the issue I will treat and hope that reading about it will be worthwhile.

As I have more closely been observing politicians in recent years, I have come to the conclusion that many are hypocrites.  Hypocrisy is defined as “a pretense of having virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.”  Another definition is “a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.”  The word comes from the Greek hypokrisis, meaning “play acting.”

To my thinking, politicians do a lot of “play acting” and will often say or do things out of expediency to get or stay elected.  It is all a sham.  Their words and actions would have us believe they possess a virtue, a belief, a principle, when in reality they do not.  In other words, in my view, their doing is not congruent with who they really are—their being. 

Harry Reid, a Mormon

It is easy to point a finger at such easy examples/targets, but as the old adage goes, when we point a finger at someone, there are three pointing back at us.  I must ask myself, “are my words and actions—the do part of me--congruent with who I am—the be part of me?”  Or am I also a hypocrite, trying to show some “desirable or publicly approved attitude," whether that public be outside or inside the walls of my home?  And while I introspect, am I congruent when I'm alone?

I believe there is another layer to peel of the do vs. be onion.  If I am not a blatant hypocrite (most of the time), do I fool myself into thinking that simply by doing things that I suppose are good, I am good?      As I try to do good, am I becoming good?

 

Many of us are great at preparing “to do” lists to help us accomplish so much.  How much more difficult is it to prepare a “to be” list?  We like to check off items on our “to do” list.  “To be” lists are trickier and never finished.  I can take Ann out for dinner this Friday, a “to do” that I can remove from the list.  But being a good husband is not a singular event; it needs to be part of who I am.

For me, this discussion has religious implications. I have friends who are not members of my Church who wholeheartedly espouse the doctrine of grace.  They will proverbially point a finger at LDS Church doctrine, accusing us/me of trying to do my way to heaven rather than being saved by grace.  I will admit that on one level they are right to point this out.  We Mormons are all about works. Look at our local and worldwide humanitarian efforts, our weekly institutional and personal devotions, our charitable donations, our efforts to collect and provide genealogical records to the world.  We are probably the most doing Church organization out there, speaking both individually and institutionally.

Mormons Doing Good

 

We sometimes think that if we do enough (and feel guilty/are made to feel guilty when we don’t), God will at length accept all of our doings and admit us into heaven.

Sadly, many sermons uttered at our pulpits seem to focus on doing and few on becoming.  If we are not doing all of the many actions expected of Latter-day Saints, we are essentially told over the pulpit and in lessons to “buck up” and get going, not necessarily taking into consideration the context of our lives nor how we may be becoming in our own ways.  Sermons aand lessons need to also focus on what Christ-like attributes can be developed as we do the many behaviors, the keeping of the commandments, and to recognize that these attributes can sometimes be developed in other ways.  

In two important canons of LDS scripture, the Bible and the Book of Mormon, Mormons believe that Jesus said, “be ye therefore perfect, even as [I or] (Book of Mormon) your Father which is in Heaven is perfect.”  (Matthew 5:48, 3 Nephi 12:48) Italics added.  Christ did not say “do ye therefore perfect”…, he said, “be ye therefore perfect….”   I would posit that the doing that we as members of the LDS Church must be coupled with becoming.  Our actions are not the end but the means to the end of becoming.  It is incumbent upon me and my fellow Saints to not delude ourselves into thinking that keeping the commandments is the end.

One of my favorite scriptures is found in the Book of Mormon is found in Mosiah 3:19.  It reads:

“For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ, and becometh as a little child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. (Italics added)

Another favorite scripture is also found in the Book of Mormon in Moroni 7:48:

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which He hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons [and daughters] of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like Him, for we shall see him as He is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as He is pure. Amen.”

(Italics added)

Having stated this, I will take issue with my ‘saved-by-grace-and-not-by-works” non-LDS brothers and sisters.  If we as members of the LDS Church are so engaged in doing, and as such are becoming, then hopefully we are gradually becoming like Jesus.  That is a big if, but being “anxiously engaged” is a good thing if it leads me to developing Christ-like attributes of love, caring, kindness, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness.

Doing without being portrays a false image to others, while being without doing portrays a false image to ourselves.

The Savior was all about works, ministering, blessing, lifting, teaching, loving those around Him.  He is the perfect example of the intersection of being and doing.  I want to do and become like Him.

Ezekiel 11:19

Below is one of my favorite scriptures.  It means so much to me (and Ann).  To me, it speaks to my journey of surrendering and giving up false beliefs of my past.  I am putting my name where Ezekiel uses "you" and "them" in the hope that it is truly happening to me.

"And I will give you one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of your flesh, and will give you an heart of flesh."  -- Ezekiel 11:19

Brushing Me with Broad Strokes

Coming to an LDS Temple/Building Near You?

When the State of California was embroiled in the voter battle over passage of Proposition 8 that sought to formally define marriage as between a man and a woman, I found myself being called on/expected as an ecclesiastical leader of a young single adult congregation in the LDS Church to get congregants engaged in getting out the vote and to work on getting a majority of Californians to vote in favor of the Proposition.  It occasioned me to look at it from both theological and humanitarian positions.  After considering who was asking me to do this, and considering consequences, I made the decision to support its passage and I got my young congregants involved.

I was attending school at the time, getting my Master’s Degree in Psychology, and my support was emblazoned on a bumper sticker on my wife’s car. It caused a brouhaha among my classmates who did not know whose car it was.  Many of my classmates were wondering how anybody could possibly support Proposition 8, especially in light of the “open mindedness” that we were learning was essential to become a good therapist.  I listened with interest as different classmates joined in the disparaging conversation, careful not to say that the car with “that” bumper sticker belonged to me.

Really? 

Still embroiled in the push-pull that was Prop 8, the withering onslaught of negativity and reproachful commentary continued online at a discussion website set up to allow students to communicate with one another (this was before Facebook became the medium to facilitate such communication).  I read with increasing indignity as the commentaries poured in one evening.  I got to a point where I could no longer just read the vitriol. 

It seemed to be the height of hypocrisy to read comments from my peers accusing people who supported Prop 8 as being unloving, uncaring, bigoted, etc..  They were usually the least judgmental people I knew and were being trained to be non-judgmental and open minded as psychotherapists.  And while I couldn’t comment specifically as to the character of each of my fellow supporters (I found nearly all to be loving and caring people), I knew who I was.  I knew that I was open minded, that I was caring and loving and non-judgmental (and was going into a profession where those character traits would serve me well), and felt that I was being wrongfully accused.

The Bumper Sticker

I decided to write a post declaring that it was my car that had the bumper sticker on it and that those that knew me well KNEW that I was non-judgmental, caring and loving.  Furthermore, without calling them out for saying/writing what they had, I merely told them that their words had hurt and that not everyone who supported Prop 8 was how they were portraying them.  In my response, I told them that I see people as people—and because of my religious paradigm, as God’s children and equal to me, not choosing to focus on their sexual orientation, gender, race or ethnicity, and that what I had been taught at our school further reinforced that construct for me.

For the record, not longer after I posted my response, I received a thoughtful response honoring me for my beliefs from my faculty advisor and sometime professor, David, who is gay, whom I had come to appreciate and highly regard and who had been very helpful to me in dealing with my struggles as a 50-something student.  I also received a very thoughtful response from my department chair, Deborah, a lesbian, whose partner ironically was raised as a Latter-day Saint.  In a caring way, she likewise honored my beliefs and informed me that because of what I had experienced at the hands of my peers, I could have greater empathy and compassion for those in her LBGT community who had and continue to experience the labels and broad strokes that I had experienced.  That empathy and compassion has helped me as I have taken the opportunity to have therapeutic relationships with that community and with a beloved transgender individual in particular.

An Active Mormon as President?

Fast forwarding to March 2012, I find myself in a somewhat similar circumstance with my conservative views.  In the current sociopolitical landscape, they and my religion are under attack from those who view themselves as being caring, open minded, and unbigoted.  If Mitt Romney becomes the Republican nominee for President of the United States (and it is becoming nearly impossible for that not to happen), I fear that in the coming months my religion and my religious views will be made light of, ridiculed, and besmirched.  If Romney were a Jew or a Muslim, the media would condemn the perpetrator.  But since he is LDS, and since my Church chooses to ignore and not respond to such attacks, those attacks will be fair game.  I would not be surprised to see “anti-Mormon” demonstrations similar to those that took place outside of the LDS Temple grounds in Los Angeles during the Prop 8 debate.

Night View of Los Angeles LDS Temple

Because of these fears and because I have already heard comments made by thoughtless people, I am publicly taking a stand.  Some people are finding or will find teachings, doctrines, and quotes from past and present leaders of the Church, or other material, that they believe entitles them to mock my beliefs, or Romney’s beliefs.  Some will portray him (and by association, me) as being a member of a cult, a member of an organization that represses women in a variety of ways, and a denomination so bigoted that they did not allow black members to hold God’s priesthood until forced to in 1978. 

 Tons of Donated Clothing for a Needy World

Does a cult allow its believers to freely interact with others in society, serve in the military, celebrate all national and religious holidays, and allow its believers to have differing political viewpoints?  Does a cult allow its believers to donate hundreds of thousands of work hours, hundreds of tons of used clothing, and millions of dollars each year to humanitarian projects that are intended for non-believers?  Does a cult allow non-believers to access their genealogical records so that they can do genealogical research to find their ancestors?  Does a cult build and run schools and universities that allow non-believers to attend?  If one is open minded at all and would look past the doctrines and beliefs and focus on the fruits of my religion, that person would have to admit that my Church is not a cult.  Cults don’t bear such fruit.

Relief Society Donating Food in DR Congo

Because members of my Church funded much of the battle to pass Prop 8 and fought against the passage of the ERA Amendment in the 70s, it will be portrayed as quaint, or even worse, as disenfranchising women and treating them as second class citizens within the Church.  What will likely not be portrayed is how the Church sponsors the largest organization for women in the world: the Relief Society, with a membership of over 4 million women in over 100 countries, which I know from personal experience and knowledge seeks to empower and teach women to be all that they can be and which gives them a voice.  There will be few if any words of praise about how women are honored and given respect over the pulpits of the Church, both on local and general Church levels.  You will not likely hear how in the most sacred and important of all rituals and ordinances of the Church performed in that LDS Temple in Los Angeles and in nearly 140 others around the world, women participate equally with men. 

Darius Gray with Merrill Bateman

In the finger pointing that will surely take place about how bigoted my Church is, you will likely not hear the historical context of how the Gentiles were forbidden from hearing Christ’s teachings while He was on the earth, and that it was only after Christ had been crucified and Peter had received a revelation from God that he decided that the Gentiles could finally be taught the Word.  Nor will you likely hear about how the Levite tribe was the ONLY tribe of the Tribes of Israel that could officiate in the rituals of the Priesthood in the Old Testament which along with the New Testament is in our Canon.  Those who ridicule will likely not tell you that certain black members were given the Priesthood in the early days of the Church, nor will they relate statistics of how the Church is growing faster on the African continent than on any other, and that most Blacks who have joined the Church and participate fully in the Priesthood have come to understand that it was God’s will and not formal Church doctrine that denied their race that blessing for a time.  

Black LDS Family

As it has in the past, the Church has maintained its political neutrality and continues to do so, evidenced by a memo from the top leadership of the Church affirming that fact that was recently read over the pulpits of all church congregations in the United States.  How else can you explain the Church “umbrella” under which Republican Mitt Romney and Democrat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid share its protection?  Members of my Church may lean right in their personal politics and point their judging, labeling fingers at those who do not believe as they do–and I deplore them for doing so exclusively in our auxiliary meetings--but the policy of the Church is of neutrality.

To conclude, if those who may denigrate my beliefs, the doctrines I espouse, and my Church, I would ask you to get to know some members of my faith, to look at the fruits of this religion and belief system, to honor and respect its members who do not share all of the beliefs of the greater Christian world regarding Jesus Christ and the Godhead, to look past the sound bites and really learn about us. 

LDS Members Donating Disaster Clean Up Service 

If I choose to label an individual or group, I take an “I-am-better-than-you” view of them; there is negative pride inside of me.  Labeling gives me permission to distance myself physically and emotionally from that person or group.  It allows me to disengage myself from them.   I don’t have to deal with them because I suppose I know all about them and who they are and what they represent.  It’s emotionally easier than dealing with them.

I'm Trying to Be Like Him

I don’t want people to label me and paint me with unknowing broad strokes.  I am trying to follow the loving and caring example of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and my religion and its doctrines and teachings have nurtured those attributes in me.  Engage me.