My Inner Dialogue about Change

Can I change? 

If I really want to. 

Is it hard to change myself and easier to just stay where I am? 

Certainly!  The status quo is always more comfortable.  I may not like this part of me, but I know it, and I haven’t felt the need to change in the past.

Does my personal history tell me that it’s difficult for me to change? 

To a certain extent. 

Can I overcome the tendency to dwell on my past to justify not changing?

Yes, but it will probably be really challenging.  

I keep telling myself that I can’t change because I haven’t completely changed in the past.

Do I want to change now?

I think so, but the thought scares me.

So am I destined to fail in the end? 

No.  I can’t believe that.

If I’m not destined to fail, then I must have the ability to walk through my fears, to overcome my past, and change, and become, in the present.

But it’s comfortable right now even though I want to change.

So how badly do I want to change?  I will have to want it badly in order to overcome the challenges that will surely come.

So I need to hold fast to my commitment in those dark times?

Yes.

What happens if I temporarily lose sight of my commitment?

I may have to reach out to people I trust to help me in those times. I may have to reach out to God.

Yes, that’s right.

I have made changes in other aspects of my life and have proven my mettle in those areas, so why can’t I begin the process of making this change now?

I can.

But I am concerned that if I attempt to make this important change in my life, those around me might bring up the past and cling to it, and justify their belief that I can’t change because I haven’t changed in the past.

That’s true, and it might happen.

But just because people around me hold to the past to justify their beliefs and actions toward me does not mean that I have to believe I can’t change.

That’s right.

I can change, but the change has to come from deep within me, and must be for myself and not for anybody else.

True, also.

I know what I want and know my thoughts and intentions.  I need to accept the things I cannot change, usually others’ opinions, and have the courage to change what I can, what I have control over; like the Serenity Prayer.

I think I can change.  Here I go….

A Place to Pursue Change

As I near 2000 hours of doing psychotherapy, I am becoming more comfortable with how I do it—my “style” so to speak.  When I was still enrolled at Philips Graduate Institute and started meeting with those first clients, I had all kinds of therapies floating around my head.  I was trying to identify which one I would embrace or which one felt right.  I was meeting with “generic” clients, individual and couples, with “generic” issues.  I was still doing pastoral counseling with the Young Adults.

I focused in my later semesters on Sexual Addiction, and I eventually became involved with LifeSTAR Network, a co-ed program for sexual addicts and their spouses.  That involved leading couples and groups and occasionally doing individual therapy with them.  About the time that I graduated I was released from my pastoral calling and asked to be a group leader (along with my wife Ann) of the Addiction Recovery Program of my Stake (my diocese).  Since then, I have been leading or participating in the direction of two groups a week that focus on the Twelve Steps.  Presently, I am leading or participating in four groups a week (two LifeSTAR and two ARP) four nights a week.



The Mechanics of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

 A number of the people I see these days in individual counseling are recovering addicts.  That has been a function of people being referred for that specific purpose either by my agency for whom I work and by whom I am sponsored, Pilgrimage Counseling, or by local pastoral figures of my stake who know that I am a therapist and who have come to know me as an addiction “specialist.” 

I have become very comfortable working with people in addiction, particularly sexual addiction.  My “style” has evolved to be an amalgam of cognitive behavioral therapy, Imago therapy, narrative therapy among other therapies, LifeSTAR recovery, and a healthy dose of Twelve Steps.  

Harville Hendrix - The Creator of Imago Therapy

I use whatever I sense the individual needs to begin a new narration in their life.  I am directive.  I go to their past only to get context for the present and to understand what issues they need to be dealing with going forward.  If they have been exposed to the Twelve Steps or have some kind of religious foundation or sensibilities, I will freely discuss how their spirituality might affect their journey or their recovery.  I go a positive place with them and express to them my belief in their ability to change.  For better or for worse, I see my relationship with my clients as being horizontal rather than vertical; that is, I do not see myself as the all knowing, all wise poobah, but rather, a fellow traveler down the dysfunctional path who has learned some things along the way that have worked for me and that might be useful for them.  I am real; what you see is what you get.

So are there still oodles and gobs of knowledge and experiences that I lack in this new profession to be sure.  Do I catch myself occasionally saying things that perhaps would be better left unsaid?  Yes sir.  But am I improving as the days and months go by?  Undoubtedly.  It has been a gradual transition from where I started to where I am now and it will continue to be a transition to greater competence in the years to come.  But I am enjoying the journey and enjoying each session, and feeling like I (and God) are doing some good.