Love

It seems that events sometimes occur in my life that cause me to reflect on existential concepts of my life.  One concept that appears to be recurring in my psyche recently has been the the multifaceted aspect of love.  I considered how in the world to briefly write about such a profound subject, a subject that each reader will view through their own life's lens, and as such will likely be their interpretation of what I am writing and not necessarily what I want to portray.  I still don't know how.  So all I can do is to write about what has been happening and what I am introspectively thinking and how I am feeling, and hope that whatever comes out will be meaningful for me and for you. the reader.  It's the only way I know of at this point.

Some of these disparate recent events include some challenging psychotherapy sessions, particularly with certain couples, landmark events in the lives of my children, being asked to speak at Church on Easter Sunday, reflections on songs that the SCMC and I sang on Easter Sunday, discussions with my wife, a renewed connection to nature, viewing a new Christian movie just out called Heaven Is For Real.  The latter is based on a book written by the father of a young boy who nearly dies and reports to the father that he went to heaven.  Attending funerals in recent months has increased my love for my life and for each day that I continue on this planet. And celebrating my 36th wedding anniversary was very emotional as well.

I am becoming aware that the reason that I enjoy doing psychotherapy and life coaching work, is to a great degree because I see these people as sons and daughters of God, and as such see them as my equals.  I believe that because I love myself, and am loved by God, that they are worthy of my love and care.  When I see these, my fellow travelers, struggling with themselves or significant others, I want to help them.  I attempt to help them to love themselves, not necessarily by anything that I might say, but rather, to facilitate their journey of introspection.  

I find that I struggle inwardly when I see clients, children and relatives, or anybody, for that matter, struggle with their life and their circumstances.  As I get to know them, I instinctively find myself wanting to help them.  It is very difficult for me to see criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewallling with some clients.  They seem unable or unwilling to look inward at their own issues, and choose to focus on their partner's issues.  All that I can do is to point out the problem with their outward focus, teach correct principles concerning looking at themselves, and then hope that they "get it."

I desire that they learn from my knowledge, and occasionally, from my similar life experiences--because, I believe, I care what happens to them.  My challenge as a therapist is to share appropriately--to know and feel when they ready to hear what I know and what I have experienced.  Often, they are clueless as to what they are doing and as to their own motivations.  But that's fine; I have been clueless in the past as well and was ready to learn when life experiences brought me to that teachable moment. By giving myself grace, I try to extend grace to them. I earnestly attempt to not judge them.

Which brings up an aspect of love that is counter-intuitive.  Sometimes, in the right circumstances, the loving thing to do is to judge someone.  I am compelled at times in my therapy sessions to judge someone by telling them their thinking is flawed or even irrational, and to not tell them for fear of a negative reaction, is not showing love.  By not saying something, it becomes about me.  

Over four years ago, when my wife and I asked our son to leave the house for violating a house rule of not using drugs or drinking alcohol in our home, it took every bit of willpower to enforce it.  I had to judge him at that point, and while it broke my heart to send him away knowing that he would likely become homeless, I had to do the loving thing: what was best for him as opposed to what would make me feel better.  And what was best for him was to experience the consequences of his behavior, which I had not been allowing him to experience.  By not doing the loving thing at that time, I would remove an opportunity for growth and for eventually becoming. 

Such judgments can be a slippery slope, however, and one must have great integrity as to one's motivations.  I am learning that lesson as I watch my children sometimes make decisions that I would not make, and challenge my motivation for my judgments.  Are these judgments about me?

I have attempted to access this integrity as I have analyzed my feelings about same-gender attraction or so-called same sex marriage.  I struggled for a time with what I had believed and what practice my Church had inculcated and was judgmental of them, but when taking time to learn about, to appreciate, and ultimately to do what I feel is the loving thing, I became an LGBT Ally.  It is best for them if I care about and love them and not judge them, regardless of what doctrinally may be swirling around.  This has been a big transition for me.

Wanting to keep this blog somewhat secular, I will just say that I felt God's love deeply during my worship during the recent Easter season.  I have posted the entire talk I gave on another blog of mine: redashisdisciple.blogspot.com.  My feelings about deity are very much a significant part of who I am, and those feelings seem to be intensifying as I age.

As witnessed by my recent posting about my senses, and in particular, about hearing and seeing, I love being able to observe and listen to the world around me.  I try to not to take these abilities for granted.  And as stated above, I don't take my safety or my living yet another day for granted either, and express love and appreciation to God each day for His kindness and love.  

I am discovering again that as I give love through service to my clients, my family, and in particular, my wife, my ability to love increases.  It felt really good to make arrangements and to pay for a nice anniversary dinner at a nice restaurant.  It felt good to have a nice, beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting on our table as we sat down.  It felt good to arrive home and to show her the video presentation that I had worked on and helped produce celebrating the day.  I felt great love for her as I carried out these celebratory services.

To love and to be loved.  What great gifts!


    



  

 

 

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Because two individuals from two different backgrounds—sometimes very different backgrounds—do fall in love, they bring to the relationship their life experiences.  Those experiences can be very different, complicated by differing ways in which they were parented in their families of origin (FOO).  The experiences they bring from past love relationships also color their communications and how they relate to one another.  Considering how different two people can be, it is a miracle that they can fall in love. They do, but then, romantic love is not enough; for a relationship to endure, the couple must learn to live together, to communicate, to respect the differences between them.  That process involves learning how to handle disagreements between them, and that takes time and effort.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Based upon more than 3000 hours of videotaped observations at the Gottman Marital Observatory at the University of Washington over a 23 year period, this research yielded some insights as to how couples relate (or don’t relate) to one another. So predictable are the insights that Dr. Gottman can predict pending divorce with 94% accuracy!  He named one of the most important and most predictable negative patterns to come from the research the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”  These four “behaviors” derive from a couple’s inability to deal with disagreements, and one "Horseman" leads to another.

·         CRITICISM – This can take the form of judgments, discounts, put downs, blaming statements, and “always” and “never” statements.  The implication is that there is something wrong with the partner.  Criticism is different from a complaint; a complaint is a statement of dissatisfaction with some specific event or circumstance (an action), whereas criticism is a judgment of one’s partner (who they are).  This leads to…

·         DEFENSIVENESS – This is an attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack.  It takes on an “innocent victim” tone.  The person on the defensive often attempts to retaliate.  Defensiveness can deflect a discussion of the problem.  It denies any responsibility.  This leads to…

·         CONTEMPT – Any statement that puts one on a higher place than one’s partner.  It shows disrespect for them. It is a particularly corrosive form of contempt.  Another is sarcasm, often used by educated people.  Facial expressions and certain non-verbal behaviors can also show contempt.  Contempt shown to a partner is one of the most predictive of divorce.  Likewise, there is very little or no contempt in happy marriages.  Which leads to…

·         STONEWALLING or WITHDRAWAL – Occurs when the listener deliberately withdraws from interactions.  It manifests by fewer words being exchanged, looking away, and use of controlled facial expressions.  Men tend to stonewall more than women.

Ways to Counteract the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

·         CRITICISM à POSITIVE COMPLAINT -- To make a positive complaint, you begin by giving compliments and appreciation.  The appreciation needs to be sincere and hopefully “bigger” than the complaint.   It helps protect the relationship by reducing the likelihood the partner feels rejected or insulted. Then using “I” statements, you ask for something to change, stating how the change would benefit you.  If possible, make it about you.

·         DEFENSIVENESS à DON’T DEFEND – Try to admit some role in the partner’s complaint.  Respectfully acknowledging your partner’s feelings is useful and lowers defenses.

·         CONTEMPT à RESPECT – Always assume good will and competence of your partner.  If he/she does not agree with you or does not do what you want, it is not because they are bad or stupid. He/she merely sees it differently, that’s all.

·         STONEWALLING or WITHDRAWAL à TIME OUT – As with young children, you take a break and get to an emotional or even a physical place to calm yourself, making sure that your partner knows you will return soon.  This reduces feelings of abandonment that simply leaving or not responding can cause.

Other Gottman Research Findings

·      Successful couples have a ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions of at least 5 to 1. according the research.

·      Research showed that a partner’s emotions will be negative (anger, sadness, bullying, contempt) after the other had been negative.  It showed that overgeneralizations in which everything was seen through a negative lens were disastrous to relationships and required attempts to be very specific in what was communicated.

·     When disagreements began, successful couples had “soft start ups” as opposed to “harsh start ups.”  Research showed that such “soft start ups” were more predictive of longevity of relationships as opposed to “harsh start ups” which were more predictive of divorce.

·      Sometimes disagreements flood a relationship.  When this occurs, one or both partners may think it best to work out problems alone, often leading parallel lives.  This leads to loneliness and the distance and isolation cascade are predictive of divorce.  The research showed that even though genders may experience negative emotions during such flooding, men were flooded more quickly and easily and it takes them longer to de-escalate.  Partners in successful relationships learned to soothe each other, and even though men must learn to self-soothe in productive ways, their partners can attempt to find ways to soothe them in non-condescending ways. 

·      Some disagreements are solvable while others are not, research showed.  Unsolvable conflicts will never resolve and they do not have to be resolved.  Instead of attempting to solve the unsolvable through interminable discussions, partners need to learn to live with the discomfort.  Choosing to not live with them will likely produce continued fights and will allow negativity to build up.

·     There are times when one partner cannot accept the influence of the other.  They cannot share power.  They hold fast to their own ideas and actions and purposefully do not allow themselves to agree with their partner.  Research showed that men in particular have trouble accepting the influence of women, and Dr. Gottman found that marriages work to the extent that husbands accepted the influence and shared the power with their wives.

·     The attempt to heal and injury or stop negativity from a disagreement, such as a positive commentary on a communication, expressing appreciation, supporting or soothing one another, or genuinely asking for forgiveness, are ways to repair.  According to the research, when “bids to repair” consistently fail, when there is an absence of “de-escalation” attempts, when there is little positive affect expressed such as humor, interest, or affection, these are predictive of divorce, because there is emotional disengagement.

About Anger & Arguing

Anger is often a secondary emotion; that is, it is a strong emotion that manifests because of some anxiety we feel inside, usually fear, a signal that something is wrong.  It can manifest itself quickly and can wreak havoc on relationships.  Often, when it comes on quickly, it is a pretty good indication that we have been anxious about something, and we project that anxiety onto those around us, often onto family or our partner, and often with disastrous effect.

When disagreements occur, anger feelings well up inside.  If they come on quickly, there is a good likelihood that we have been suppressing our anxiety and not talking about it, and our “fuse” is very short.  Feeling overwhelmed by the anxiety, we will say or do things that we often later regret.  All respect and good will and rational thought are crushed by the onslaught of our out-of-control feelings of anger.  We go into accuse mode.  We make our loved one the enemy.  We often raise our voices, or worse, become physically violent. 

It is natural and normal to feel anger.  Some of us were not allowed to feel angry as children.  Some of us were taught either consciously or subconsciously that we shouldn’t verbalize our anger but bottle it up inside, either verbally or through the examples of our caregivers.    For any number of reasons, some of us never learned the skills of what to do with this intense emotion and we carry this unresolved issue into our adult lives.  The feelings of anger often occur as a result of irrational thoughts that we experienced earlier in life.  As adults, we may have to catch up and learn strategies as to what to do with our anger and how to express it, especially those of us in marital relationships.

To begin, when there is a disagreement with our partner and anger is involved, we need to acknowledge that we are indeed upset and angry. We need to allow ourselves to feel the emotions, and allow our partners the same.  They are manifestations or reflections of our needs and they may be simple or complex.  But they are our feelings and we must own them.  Nobody can make us feel complex feelings but ourselves.  Often, our judgment causes the feelings inside of us.  Our spouses cannot cause us to feel anything unless we empower them to do so.

Our natural tendency is to protect ourselves by lashing out at our partner.  The anxiety that we experience internally is intense and can seem like a tsunami, completely uncontrollable.  The feelings want to manifest themselves in forceful words—usually judgmental, meant-to-hurt, emotionally violent words, words that in another calmer place would never be said.

But if our partners cannot cause us to feel complex feelings, then we truly must take responsibility for the management of our feelings and subsequent behaviors.  The most productive way of managing our anxiety and anger in the moment is to follow three steps: STOP à PAUSE à THINK. 

When we want to externalize our strong feelings, to lash out at our partner and say harsh words, we have to STOP, if only for a brief moment.  It may feel like a flimsy dam with a gigantic wall of water (emotion) ready to burst through it, but STOP we must.  The process of stopping can be facilitated by taking a few deep BREATHS which serve to calm us. It might even take the form of saying that we need a minute. This brief interlude will hopefully STOP the surge of emotion long enough to allow us time to THINK.  STOPPING and BREATHING or PAUSING will allow us to begin to THINK, to actually identify what is being felt.  It will begin the process of allowing us to stop feeling and to start thinking.  This necessary process of controlling our emotions allows us to cognitively question what we are feeling and why we are feeling it.  It allows us to cognitively address why our partner might have said what he/she said.  But cognition won’t happen if we are vomiting our feelings onto our partner.  The following is an actual situation that occurred.

Janeen’s mother had recently died.  Both Janeen and her husband Tom knew that as a result, Janeen was going to receive an inheritance from the estate.  Both of them had discussed the need to contact their financial advisor about resultant tax liabilities.  Janeen received information about the inheritance at work from her brother, the executor of the estate.  She called Tom at his work and informed him that they needed to further discuss what her brother had told her.  When they both arrived home from work that evening, she asked Tom if he would call the financial advisor, never thinking that he would do so before she had a chance to tell him the details of the conversation.  But because Tom had not yet been able to make the phone call, he made it right then.  As he started to describe the situation to the advisor as he understood it, in Janeen’s presence, he didn’t know all the details she had found out and was relating incorrect information. Janeen asked to have the phone.

Tom felt disrespected and a little angry and left her to speak.  A few minutes after she concluded, Janeen went to talk to Tom.  He wanted to lash out at her, but he stopped, paused, and thought.  He chose to articulate using “I” statements that he had felt disrespected and was hurt.  Through much of her life, Janeen had had trouble being accused of being wrong and felt a desire to lash out at Tom.  She paused and then thought. That allowed her time to realize that she had not explained to him what she had learned from her brother.  She realized through listening respectfully that Tom had thought the she had just “bulldozed” him and he was feeling disrespected and angry.  In a calm voice, she explained to her husband that she had wanted him to make the phone call after they had had a chance to discuss the new information.  Tom had surprised her by calling so quickly.  She knew that he did not have all of the pertinent facts.  She was positioned to explain things accurately to the financial advisor and had asked for the phone.  Because Tom had not lashed out at Janeen, and she had not lashed out at him, they were able to then calmly discuss the new information without the drama.

In this actual account, both spouses went to a cognitive place away from their emotional places by stopping, pausing, and thinking.  They both had empathy towards the other, and had been working on this three step technique. They listened respectfully to one another and had not allowed their feelings to get in the way of effective communication and conflict resolution.  They knew that they could only control themselves and not their spouse. They did not try to defend themselves.  They knew that wallowing in their angry feelings was counterproductive and that “feelings aren’t facts, they’re feelings.”  They did not want to make their spouse the enemy, but rather, they wanted to take care of their relationship rather than winning an argument.  They had assumed the best motives of the other.

To review, stopping, pausing, and thinking allow us to:

·         Cognitively identify what we are feeling

·         Cognitively question what we are feeling—why we are feeling it

·         Cognitively question why our spouse may have said what they said

·         Take time out from feeling the emotional tsunami

·         Develop empathy

·         Develop the ability to listen respectfully to our spouse

·         Control ourselves, knowing we can’t control our spouse

·         Gradually lose the need to defend ourselves

·         Develop the understanding that feelings aren’t facts

·         Not make our spouse the enemy

·         Take care of the relationship rather than win an argument

·         Develop the ability to assume best intentions from our spouse

    

Based upon Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, articles by Kendall Evans called Anger Management Guidelines, Feelings, Safe and Productive Arguments, Guidelines for Positive Relating, and original thought by Robert E. Davis.

Seeing vs. Hearing

Am I the only person that has asked himself, "if you had to choose between losing your sense of sight or losing your sense of hearing, which would you choose?"  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Have you?  Which would you choose, if forced to make that choice?

I have asked myself that theoretical question many times in my adult life.  Perhaps I have done it because of my extreme nearsightedness, and yearly needing to get my eyes checked, not to mention wearing glasses since age 5.  Perhaps I have done it because of my love for music and the fact that my ability to hear clearly has deteriorated as I have aged, and I must now wear hearing aids.  But do I value more of what I see than what I hear?

Because music has played such an important role in my life, I have often thought that I could do without seeing.  After all, I have thought, haven't I seen tens or hundreds of thousands of beautiful images and that perhaps I have seen enough?  If someone were to describe a scene to me, couldn't I imagine in my mind's eye what they were describing, and that would be sufficient?  Couldn't I compensate for the inability to see with a heightened sense of hearing?  Couldn't I touch something or someone and get a general idea of what it/they looked like?

But then, couldn't I likewise say that I have heard thousands or tens of thousands of voices, heard ten or hundreds of thousands of sounds and musical pieces?  Couldn't I say that I've heard enough?  Couldn't someone tell me that they were listening to a crow make a cawing sound, or listening to Beethoven's 9th Symphony, or If I Fell by the Beatles, and recreate that sound/those sounds in my head?

Anyone who has followed Red In Transition for any period of time would realize that I am very involved with my senses.  I have posted numerous pictures, both what I have found online as well has from my own photography. I place a picture at the top of every posting, if not multiple pictures in the body. I have posted three different lists of Top 40 Songs, have posted a video about "Only the Black Keys" which is about music, and commented about wanting to become involved once again in the Southern California Mormon Choir after a few years' absence.  Toward the end of 2013, I almost combined both when I posted pictures of the lyrics of a children's song that deals with the wonder of our senses.

I must admit that at this point of my life, I would greatly mourn the loss of either of these senses.  It would be much easier to give up smelling, touching, or tasting, although I love those God-given gifts as well.

But if for any reason I had to make that terrible choice, as of April, 2014, I think I have transitioned and that I would surrender my hearing.  When I consider the years I have left in mortality, there is much more that I want to experience, and frankly, there is more I want to see than what I want to hear.

I am so very grateful that as of today I have both senses, imperfect as they now are.  Who knows what will happen tomorrow, or years from now?  Today, I will listen to speech, animal sounds, and music, and I will see the blue of the sky, the black of Suki's fur, and the face of the woman I love.

Robert Redford, You're Not So Big!

It's June 27, 1975.  I had just flown from Buenos Aires, Argentina and had landed at Los Angeles.  Just turned 21, I had spent the past 22 months in Argentina serving a mission for the LDS Church and was anxious to return to family and friends in Salt Lake City.

I was all alone for the first time in two years.  There was layover at LAX and I had found my way to the gate.  These were the days before all gates at LAX had jetways, those tunnels that now connect the terminals with the planes.   My gate did not have a jetway.  They weren't even at SaltLake City's airport.  

I sat down in one of the chairs not far from the gate's sliding door. Across from me some 7-8 feet were a bank of chairs.  If I remember correctly, I was there for some time alone.  I remember how strange it felt not have a companion near me, knowing that I had always had someone close to me every hour of every day for the past two years and three days.  As a missionary, the only time that I could be alone was when I took a shower or used the restroom.

As I waited for time to pass, I noticed a man with a briefcase coming toward the gate and he sat down on the chairs facing me.  As I looked at him straight ahead, I realized that it was the movie star, Robert Redford! Much too shy to say anything (what do you say to a movie star anyway?), I just sat there and watched him, trying not to be obvious.  I remembered that he lived in Utah in the mountains near BYU and figured he had been in LA doing what movie stars do and was returning home.

More people finally started arriving as the departure time got closer, but he had buried/hidden his face in what was likely some important document like a script.  Nobody but me knew he was there.  I realized that I knew something that nobody else knew and determined at some point to tell others that he was on the flight.

At last, it was time to board, and if I remember correctly, I would be in the fifth row, right side facing the cockpit.  When the announcement was made, he quickly jumped up, and took his place at the front of the boarding line in the terminal.   There were a few people in front of me. The sliding doors opened and we walked along the ground to the stairs that led to the front of the plane, which I believe was a Boeing 737 with no first class seats.

As he kind of hurried on ahead I walked a little slowly, informing some of the people I was my fellow travelers that Robert Redford was on this flight and was walking ahead of us.  The news somehow spread backwards in the boarding line.

I entered and stood at my fifth row seat, motioning to some of the people where he was sitting, which was on my right side but in the very first row and at the window. I remember some of the people looking over his direction and smiling with delight.  

More memorable was when a group of teenage girls entered into the plane. They obviously had heard my gossip that Robert Redford was on the flight.  As I pointed, they would look over his direction and start giggling.  I remember feeling kind of uniquely important that I had let out a big secret that only I had known.  As I relate my actions here, I feel kind of dumb, but then, I was only 21, right?

If I recall, the flight itself was uneventful, except that I remember how great it was to see the towering mountains of the Salt Lake Valley.  But it was hard not to deny the growing excitement of seeing family and friends that would be waiting at my arrival.  When the plane touched down I could hardly contain myself.

As we taxied and eventually parked at the terminal gate, without a jetway, I popped up and stood.  Looking to the front, Robert Redford had likewise popped up and was awaiting the opening of the door and for the people in front of him to begin the exiting process.  The door opened and I was not too far behind him as we all inched toward the door.

I reached the doorway and heard shouts and voices exclaiming "there's Bob!"  "There he is!" I was focused on the faces in my little entourage, looking to see who had come, and forgetting my famous travel companion.  I didn't learn until later the main reason for bringing up this tale of my return from my missionary endeavors in Argentina. 

 Someone in the group later told me that they had noticed Robert (Bob) Redford descending the stairway from the plane to the gate.  He apparently was approaching the bottom of the stairway when I appeared at the plane door and the shouts began ringing out. "There's Bob!" Supposedly, from his facial expression, "Bob"Redford thought that the voices were from fans. But NOBODY paid any attention to him; only the 21 year-old "Bob" with the red hair that had been gone for two years.  Reportedly, according to the group member, he turned around to look up toward the plane and smirked.  On that day, in that moment, I was the star!  I was more popular than Robert Redford!

NUM83R5

One of my first discoveries in the Bible was who had lived the longest--Methusaleh, who supposedly lived a whopping 969 years.  Gee whiz! That's a long time.  I've always been fascinated with longevity.

This June, if I make it, I will turn 60.  But then, my sister Darlene turns 72 tomorrow. Her husband Bill turns 73 in June. My brother Tom turns 77 in May and his wife Janeen already turned 77.  I'm just a greenhorn, compared to my siblings!  My wife is 57.  Her sister Jill turns 60 the week before I do. Her brother Rick is 61.  While not so remarkable by biblical standards, we're all getting up there, and luckily, we're all pretty healthy in spite of some aches and pains.

What is remarkable and arguably unique is how long marriages have lasted in our two extended families.  My wife's parents were married for 49 years, I believe, before my father-in-law passed away.  Rick and his beloved Amy, will have been married, I believe, 35 years this summer.  Jill and her beloved Richard Lin will have been married 34 years, I believe, this year.  

My parents were married 52 years before my dad passed away.  My brother Tom will have been married to his sweetheart 58 years in May.  My sister Darlene will have been married to her sweetheart 54 years in June.  And of course, I will have been married to my sweetheart 36 years in April.

And while I will admit that longevity does not necessarily equate to marital happiness, in an age of divorces and marital splits (where I live in my profession), our two families have established a high bar for marital longevity--staying together through thick and thin.  Adding together the two families' (and two generations) of years of being married, it comes to 318 years--with not one divorce!  Remarkable, wouldn't you say?

Reflecting on other issues of numerical longevity of my life, here are some other numbers :

• Years since starting kindergarten at Onequa School -- 54
• Years since I started singing in choirs -- 49
• Years since being in Junior High School plays -- 46
• Years since graduating from West High School in SLC -- 43
• Years knowing my best friend Bill Harten who I met my first day at BYU -- 43.  We still talk regularly.
• Years since I lived at 509 North 8th West in Salt Lake City -- 41
• Years since I've been able to speak Spanish -- 41
• Years since LDS mission was completed to Argentina -- 39
• Years since graduating from BYU -- 36
• Years since birth of our first born, Rebecca -- 35
• Years since returning from living and teaching in Japan -- 33
• Years involved in the clothing/textile recycling business (the "rag business") -- 33
• Years since the birth of our second born, Emily -- 33
• Years since purchasing our first home in West Jordan, Utah for $44,500 -- 32
• Years knowing my very good friends Jim Birrell and Loyd Stinson with whom I shared fences in that first home -- 32
• Years since the birth of our third born, Robert (BJ) -- 31
• Years since I've been to Hawaii -- 30
• Years of being a High Priest in the Church -- 30
• Years since the birth of our last born, Doug -- 29 (in October)
• Years since moving to Southern California and leaving the only home we ever "built" and owned new -- 20
• Years, off and on, of being involved with the Southern California Mormon Choir -- 15
• Years since moving from Newhall to Los Angeles -- 10
• Years since the birth of my first grandchild, Isaac -- 8
• Years since graduating with a Masters Degree in Psychology and doing psychotherapy and counseling -- 6
• Years since being a bishop of the Glendale 7th Ward -- 5
• Years of living in Tujunga -- 4
• Years since being involved in directing the Addiction Recovery Program of the LDS Church in my Stake -- 2
• Years since coming out as the naturally curly haired fellow I am, and having a black cat -- .25!   
  
    

Embracing Our Dark Side

               Western society and western religions teach us to remain positive.  The concept is to attempt to focus totally on the positive, the light aspects of ourselves, denying the dark and negative attributes we all possess, and are afraid to acknowledge in ourselves.

                In our entirety, we are a composite.  That means that we are both light and dark.  The character of Luke Skywalker in Star Wars is an archetypal representation of this composite.  To deny or repress the darkness within us is to deny a divine part of Self.  In Luke Skywalker’s case, it ultimately was to face his "dark side" in opposition to his Jedi self.

                Life is polarized.  The universe and its laws are polarized.  There is hot and cold, heavy and light, strong and weak, Light and Dark.  In our discussion, the Light represents what we see in life as good and positive, while the Dark represents what we see as bad and negative.  As we experience life through this polarity, this opposition in all things, it is natural to split everything into two camps of Light and Dark.

Why Embrace the Dark?        

In essence, our mission is to transcend this polarity by having compassion on ourselves, by loving ourselves unconditionally, which allows us to see the power and purpose of everything, especially both the Light and the Dark.  Such compassion and unconditional love allow us to see the positive in the negative, where there is no right or wrong.  It is the process of bringing Light into the Dark.

                Such compassion and unconditional love for ourselves allow us to view the Dark in a completely different manner.  In this mindset, we see that the Dark is not simply “bad”, but a place that requires love, healing and attention.  The Dark is a place where Light has yet to reach—it is an absence of Light.  As we endeavor to heal our darkness, we are offered great, explosive opportunities for growth, which lead to greater inner happiness.  Therefore, negative traits are really positive ones in disguise!  They are strengths disguised as weaknesses.

                The Dark provides the space for self-discovery.  By turning one’s attention to a part of ourselves that needs healing, we are focusing our Light on that Dark attribute.  What happens when a light is turned on in a dark room?  The darkness is immediately transmuted into light.  The dark does not fight back.  The Dark has no power over the Light.  It is only our fear of the Dark that energizes it further.  By gifting compassion and love to ourselves, we can turn any Dark facet we encounter into the higher frequency of Light.

How Is Darkness Recognized and Embraced?

                Embracing our dark side first requires us to not fear the darkness within us.  When we fear a part of who we are, or who we might be (i.e., when we suppress our insecurities), we project it onto another.  One way of spotting whether we are not embracing darkness and denying that part within us can be seen through how we judge others.  When we point a finger at another and label them as “evil” or “power-hungry” or “egotistical,” in truth we are denying a part of ourselves.  We have projected onto them.  For within each of us is the ability to be all of these qualities—we are all that is.  

If we heal those parts within us that are in pain (i.e., the insecurities), then we become compassionate, and understand that the other person requires healing themselves.  However, if we are in denial about our own insecurities and have not healed them or understood them, then we will usually find them in another.  Judging others is truly revelatory of those negative traits within us. 

  

Do we deny these traits, thereby allowing them to fester and grow?  Or do we see the importance of these virtues in teaching us valuable lessons about ourselves, thereby allowing us (and them) to grow?

When we feel a negative emotion or thought, it is important that we do not attempt to ignore it.  This may seem like a paradox because we are persistently told not to dwell on the negative.  Nevertheless, it is important to maintain positive thoughts in order to have this reflected in our outer reality and to learn love of self.  However, as we endeavor to be positive, it is our responsibility to deal with the negative parts (i.e., our insecurities) that we already possess.

As an example, look at a woman who strives to live her life positively.  Every day she endeavors to maintain positive thoughts and to be nice to those around her.  Assume that this woman is having a lot of trouble with her partner who belittles her about everything she does.  She does not want to be negative or cause tension and as such ignores the anger that is swelling within her at the way she is being treated.

This is a common situation among those who in an effort to be positive ignore the negative.  Without ever realizing it, by approaching life in this manner she has polarized to the other extreme—to the Light.

In this case, the woman is forgoing her own happiness in an effort to be “nice.”  She believes she is being positive by ignoring her anger, and might even consider it a virtue, but in reality she is suppressing her anger—her darkness.  This suppressed anger will then turn sour, like bad food in the stomach, and can affect other areas of her life.  When she ignores a negative attribute that emerges, she is ignoring the Dark within her that requires Light, that requires love of herself.  It is as if she is distancing herself from her true self.  Learning to love herself compassionately and unconditionally means loving all parts of herself.

By applying the power of compassion and unconditional love to all areas of our lives we see that there is purpose to both the Light and the Dark.  In the case of the woman above, she may see that her anger is a message from her soul saying, “This part of me needs to be healed!”  Compassion allows her to see the purpose in her Dark aspect as she uses awareness to evaluate what her pain is trying to tell her.  Maybe it is teaching her to be more resilient or to stand up for herself.  Ultimately, the feeling or thought reveals that there is a part within that is in pain and requires love and attention.  Using awareness, the Dark is transformed into Light; ignorance is transformed into understanding and wisdom.

Expressing and Releasing Your Dark Side

Embracing and releasing negative emotions are crucial processes both spiritually and psychologically.  The process of acknowledging and healing an insecurity can change our entire life experience.  Our subconscious mind affects every thought, feeling, and action as it draws on our beliefs of the world to help us interact with it.  Therefore, the fewer insecurities we harbor, the more confident, free, and happy we can be.

As has been stated, it is imperative that we do not ignore or suppress any part of ourselves.  The questions then arises as to how we actually deal with our darkness, for the main problem we face is that we do not desire to be negative or hurt another’s feelings in releasing our own. 

Encountering a negative emotion or thought—our darkness—we can undertake a thought process:

·         We acknowledge that we are feeling a negative thought, a negative energy

·         We give ourselves permission to feel the darkness

·         We allow ourselves to think about embracing the “Dark” in our thoughts, even imagining our behavior should we act on the darkness

·         We choose to not act on the darkness but to shine “Light” on it

·         We ask ourselves why the emotion has emerged

·         We ask ourselves if someone else is involved in our emotional turbulence.

Let’s look at Paul and Amy.  Paul is angry and feels overwhelmed by Amy’s energy.  He feels that Amy unloads her problems but does not seem to have time to listen to his problems.  Paul becomes increasingly upset and feels taken advantage of, but believes that saying something would be confrontational.

To begin, Paul can acknowledge that he is experiencing negative energy, and can give himself permission to feel it.  He can think, or even daydream, about actions he might undertake as he feels the “Dark” within, such as imagining that she has been restrained in a chair and must listen to him rant, even to the point of her crying, then smiling at her pain.  Because he loves and cares for her, he obviously chooses not to act on the darkness, but acknowledges that it is a part of who he is—his Self.  This shines Light onto it.

It is spiritually conducive for Paul’s growth to look within himself for the reasons he is feeling this way and not blame Amy for it; only something unhealed within us (a darkness) causes us to attack.  Such pain or darkness can only be felt if it is within us to begin with.   As Paul acknowledges his darkness and exposes it to the Light within him, borne of self-compassion and unconditional love, he would not be harmed by this external conflict for there is nothing within him open to harm.

In our example, Paul can ask himself , “why is the situation affecting me?”  Is the situation a lesson from the Universe or his soul telling him to listen to himself more?  Is Paul distracting himself from his own life by observing others’ problems and thereby ignoring his own life?  It is all very well to be concerned about others, but if we feel adversely, then we can know that something within us isn’t right.

Another lesson is for Paul to honor his own power and express himself compassionately.  As he looks within, it is important for Paul to inform Amy of how he feels, in a loving way.   Perhaps Amy may have something to learn from this; maybe it is a Dark part of her and she needs to listen more to others.  

By forcing ourselves to not express anything “bad” will only energize that emotion or thought further.  A negative emotion—a darkness within us—is only “bad” if we deem it to be so.  This is more polarity thinking!  By becoming compassionate and loving of ourselves, we can begin to see the positive in everything.  We acknowledge and express to ourselves the dark emotion or thought, and then release it, allowing it to be exposed to our “Light,”  We use our awareness and love to heal it, acknowledging to ourselves that we are developing a new learned strength!

It is important to release the emotion or thought before it becomes anger.  Anger is an energy that establishes blame, either on the perpetrator or on the recipient.  In essence, it is a belief that someone needs to victimize or is being victimized.  The subconscious mind can only read this as “I victimize people or people victimize me, giving others power over me.  I am weak!”  This thinking will likely permeate many thoughts, feelings, and actions in our lives.  The more we practice embracing and expressing what we feel, the more skilled we become at highlighting, and rapidly healing, the Dark within us.  Subsequently, we become more confident, secure, and happy.

 

Ways to Release Darkness

A very effective way to release our darkness is to write about it.  When we write our angry or upset words, we energetically release these words and allow them to come to the “Light” in our consciousness.   Too often, the thoughts and emotions that roam around in our heads are cluttered, chaotic, and formless.  As this happens, we can easily lose sight of what we are actually feeling.  This allows the emotion to constantly consume us and never be released.  Putting a pen or pencil to paper allows us to observe what we are feeling and thinking, letting the emotion out and releasing it.  (A pencil is arguably better because we can “bear down” or exert pressure on the pencil onto the paper, allowing strong emotion to flow through us onto our hand and be expressed through literal, physical, darker than normal words on the paper.)

Another way to release is through exercise.  It is an excellent method to release stored negativity.  By stimulating the physical body, we speed up the energy flow within and force negativity out of our normal positive states of being.  Some of have said that negativity is a “heavy vibration” and that our natural, usually happy and contented states are “high vibration.”  Running or even sprinting, kick-boxing,  hitting a punching bag, martial arts, swimming,  or even working hard in the “yard” are effective ways to release negativity.  And it really feels good afterwards!

Yet another way to release is through individual therapy or counseling.  This should be more than ranting about what is negative in one’s life.  It requires acknowledging our own darkness, not the perceived darkness of others or of situations.  It can be a safe environment in which to explore the underlying reasons of pain in one’s life, to explore why the actions of others affect one so greatly.    Making the connection between their behavior and our responses is not only insightful but also liberating.  A thoughtful therapist who recognizes his/her own darkness can help a person to identify his/her darkness, and can explore possible ways to embrace then release the various aspects of it.

  The darkness within us is a manifestation of pain within.   Luke Skywalker had to face the pain of his "dark side" in order to fully become a Jedi. Through embracing our "dark side," we offer love, healing, and Light to those parts of us, remembering that those parts of us are who we are in our entirety.  The more we face and love all parts of ourselves, the more connected, compassionate, and loving we will be to ourselves and to others around us.  Honoring our feelings, our whole selves, is a transformative, liberating experience.  It is the way to embrace the sacred beings that we already are!