Love

It seems that events sometimes occur in my life that cause me to reflect on existential concepts of my life.  One concept that appears to be recurring in my psyche recently has been the the multifaceted aspect of love.  I considered how in the world to briefly write about such a profound subject, a subject that each reader will view through their own life's lens, and as such will likely be their interpretation of what I am writing and not necessarily what I want to portray.  I still don't know how.  So all I can do is to write about what has been happening and what I am introspectively thinking and how I am feeling, and hope that whatever comes out will be meaningful for me and for you. the reader.  It's the only way I know of at this point.

Some of these disparate recent events include some challenging psychotherapy sessions, particularly with certain couples, landmark events in the lives of my children, being asked to speak at Church on Easter Sunday, reflections on songs that the SCMC and I sang on Easter Sunday, discussions with my wife, a renewed connection to nature, viewing a new Christian movie just out called Heaven Is For Real.  The latter is based on a book written by the father of a young boy who nearly dies and reports to the father that he went to heaven.  Attending funerals in recent months has increased my love for my life and for each day that I continue on this planet. And celebrating my 36th wedding anniversary was very emotional as well.

I am becoming aware that the reason that I enjoy doing psychotherapy and life coaching work, is to a great degree because I see these people as sons and daughters of God, and as such see them as my equals.  I believe that because I love myself, and am loved by God, that they are worthy of my love and care.  When I see these, my fellow travelers, struggling with themselves or significant others, I want to help them.  I attempt to help them to love themselves, not necessarily by anything that I might say, but rather, to facilitate their journey of introspection.  

I find that I struggle inwardly when I see clients, children and relatives, or anybody, for that matter, struggle with their life and their circumstances.  As I get to know them, I instinctively find myself wanting to help them.  It is very difficult for me to see criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewallling with some clients.  They seem unable or unwilling to look inward at their own issues, and choose to focus on their partner's issues.  All that I can do is to point out the problem with their outward focus, teach correct principles concerning looking at themselves, and then hope that they "get it."

I desire that they learn from my knowledge, and occasionally, from my similar life experiences--because, I believe, I care what happens to them.  My challenge as a therapist is to share appropriately--to know and feel when they ready to hear what I know and what I have experienced.  Often, they are clueless as to what they are doing and as to their own motivations.  But that's fine; I have been clueless in the past as well and was ready to learn when life experiences brought me to that teachable moment. By giving myself grace, I try to extend grace to them. I earnestly attempt to not judge them.

Which brings up an aspect of love that is counter-intuitive.  Sometimes, in the right circumstances, the loving thing to do is to judge someone.  I am compelled at times in my therapy sessions to judge someone by telling them their thinking is flawed or even irrational, and to not tell them for fear of a negative reaction, is not showing love.  By not saying something, it becomes about me.  

Over four years ago, when my wife and I asked our son to leave the house for violating a house rule of not using drugs or drinking alcohol in our home, it took every bit of willpower to enforce it.  I had to judge him at that point, and while it broke my heart to send him away knowing that he would likely become homeless, I had to do the loving thing: what was best for him as opposed to what would make me feel better.  And what was best for him was to experience the consequences of his behavior, which I had not been allowing him to experience.  By not doing the loving thing at that time, I would remove an opportunity for growth and for eventually becoming. 

Such judgments can be a slippery slope, however, and one must have great integrity as to one's motivations.  I am learning that lesson as I watch my children sometimes make decisions that I would not make, and challenge my motivation for my judgments.  Are these judgments about me?

I have attempted to access this integrity as I have analyzed my feelings about same-gender attraction or so-called same sex marriage.  I struggled for a time with what I had believed and what practice my Church had inculcated and was judgmental of them, but when taking time to learn about, to appreciate, and ultimately to do what I feel is the loving thing, I became an LGBT Ally.  It is best for them if I care about and love them and not judge them, regardless of what doctrinally may be swirling around.  This has been a big transition for me.

Wanting to keep this blog somewhat secular, I will just say that I felt God's love deeply during my worship during the recent Easter season.  I have posted the entire talk I gave on another blog of mine: redashisdisciple.blogspot.com.  My feelings about deity are very much a significant part of who I am, and those feelings seem to be intensifying as I age.

As witnessed by my recent posting about my senses, and in particular, about hearing and seeing, I love being able to observe and listen to the world around me.  I try to not to take these abilities for granted.  And as stated above, I don't take my safety or my living yet another day for granted either, and express love and appreciation to God each day for His kindness and love.  

I am discovering again that as I give love through service to my clients, my family, and in particular, my wife, my ability to love increases.  It felt really good to make arrangements and to pay for a nice anniversary dinner at a nice restaurant.  It felt good to have a nice, beautiful bouquet of flowers waiting on our table as we sat down.  It felt good to arrive home and to show her the video presentation that I had worked on and helped produce celebrating the day.  I felt great love for her as I carried out these celebratory services.

To love and to be loved.  What great gifts!