On Losing and Loss

In 1969, a Swiss psychiatrist published a book called On Death and Dying.  Motivated by a lack of available curriculum about death and grieving available then, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross published this landmark book, in which is found her "Five Stages of Grief."  I first learned about the Five Stages of Grief while attending school to become a psychotherapist.  Since then, I have discussed them at length with a good number of my clients.  Not all of my clients have come to me because of a dying or dead loved one; only a handful have.  But quite a few clients come to me to essentially talk about what they didn't receive or are not receiving from their parents or spouse, or of a missed opportunity.  To me, this "passage" is a kind of death and needs to be mourned or grieved.

For example, if someone did not receive emotional connection from their father, and either he has passed away or if still alive he is unlikely to admit to a child that he did the best he could, or that he in fact connected with the child in some way,  There will likely be no resolution for the child, and that "loss" will continue to bother the child until he or she grieves the "loss."  As such, most people, young or old, have "lost" someone or something, never to have it again.

I believe along with the Dalai Lama that part of the success of one's life will be determined by how well we let go.  These Stages help one to let go.

The Five Stages of Grief are as follows, keeping in mind that they can occur in any order:

1)  Denial
2)  Anger
3)  Negotiation
4)  Depression
5)  Acceptance

To use the example above, as they might occur--in order, a woman may have thought through much of her childhood, teen years, and early 20s, her father was merely a stern man who did the best he could to raise her, but in reality, he was blinded by the barrenness of his own parents' upbringing and didn't have much to give to her. She never really got what she needed from him. - DENIAL

When she realized that her relationship with her spouse had been greatly influenced by the dysfunctional relationship with her dad, she became very angry with her father.  There may be more anger because he passed away a few years ago and she cannot ask him difficult questions. - ANGER

She then might wonder what it would have been like if only she had realized his impact on her life earlier when he was alive.  If only her mother wouldn't have needed to compensate for that loss of connection.  If she could only talk to him now, what would she say? - NEGOTIATION

The feelings of denial, anger and negotiation then distilled into a sadness and heaviness of heart.  She realized that she was left to pick up the pieces of her life and felt ill-equipped to do so.  Her relationship with her spouse and children began to suffer because she didn't feel like doing much of anything because she felt great sadness. - DEPRESSION

Finally, she realized that she was powerless to change her life.  She realized that she needed to move forward if only for the good of her family.  She accepted the facts of her life and moved on. - ACCEPTANCE

The Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief are really useful in the ways they can be used to help a person understand what is happening to them in the moment as they mourn their loss and feel their grief, whatever or whomever it was.

So as I left a doctor's office this afternoon having completed a hearing test, I realized that I have experienced some major hearing loss, and my hearing won't go back to the way it was.  I also realized that other physical processes of my body are likewise deteriorating, incident to my 60 years, and won't return to their youthful vigor.  I need to mourn my physical losses.

As I drove further, I realized that my kids are all grown up, three of them with their own children, and the "fathering" stage of my life is passed, and I am now in the "grandfathering" stage.  My "fathered" stage is way back in the rear view mirror.  I have already mourned the "fathered" stage of my life in the work I've done in the past on myself.  I've accepted that.  I need to more fully mourn the loss of missed parenting opportunities.

Still driving toward my office, I realized that the person that took everything heard over the various pulpits of my Church at face value has also gone away.  As I have been in this process, it feels as if I have removed a comfortable security blanket; that complete certitude is gone.  I need to mourn that transition because I can never go back to where I was.  The blanket was warm; but not really conducive to the path God has me traveling.

As I approached the parking structure of my office, I suddenly realized that I am in the process of feeling the loss of being completely accepted by some of my extended family.  I know that they still love and care deeply for me, but I am now different from them in their eyes, and I can't go back to being what they thought I was.  I need to mourn that loss.

In all of these transitional aspects of my life, I feel that I am no longer in denial.  I occasionally feel some anger, but it is minimal.  There is no negotiating to be done; I've never done much negotiating.  But there is occasionally some profound sadness and some hurt.  I do see acceptance on the horizon, but there needs to be more grieving, more processing.  I need to feel my feelings as I make this journey toward accepting these transitions.  However, to quote myself, sometimes "it's a rum go, guvnah!"