Fear Not -- You are Mine!

Since my very first blog posting, my goal in writing and displaying my photography has been to process what I am thinking and feeling--what I am experiencing in this transitional part of my life. (RED IN TRANSITION) I have been doing that for three years, in anonymity. A good posting for me historically would get 25-30 views, many times fewer, but I kept on writing, because as I've written on my homepage, I blog because I need to blog.  

You see, I was raised as a shy, only child.  I am comfortable being alone, to this day.  I have lived most of my life in my head.  Put me in a setting of more than one or two other persons, I will likely be the one who listens and doesn't speak.  I must often force myself to interact, and I do so because I know I need to. 

If you knew me like I know me, you would know that since I have been keeping these blogs/journals, and since embarking on my career as a psychotherapist, I have gained more self-confidence to share myself.  I am talking more because I feel like I have something to say, and because I think that some few who are interested in me and what I have to say might want to get to know me better.  I have gained a voice.  Blogging allows this very shy 60 year-old to share his life, his heart, and his thoughts with people.  Facebook has allowed me to share those thoughts with a larger audience.

When I heard how my recent posting caused such great concern about my spiritual journey, I was amazed.  I wondered why what I had written had threatened people, particularly my extended family and my Stake President.  

As I processed my thoughts and listened to my feelings, I realized that although my loved ones love me and care for me, they had put me in a "box" of their own making.  Their "box" is what they think about the Church, what they think they know of me, and their own fears. But they don't know me and my inner-most thoughts, because they can't. Ultimately, they will think about me what they need to think about me.  I cannot control that.  But they don't really know me or my journey.  

My questioning of a few of my beliefs that I have had most of my life made everyone uncomfortable--especially many of those whom I love dearly.  I feel sad that because I chose to reveal my struggles to the world, I have been judged--lovingly, but judged nonetheless, because I'm outside their box.  I feel sad that they don't know me very well--and that was one of the main reasons for blogging.

One of my questioning issues is accepting 100% of what apostles and prophets say. Brigham Young said the following about inquiring for ourselves whether a Church leader is being led by God:

"I am fearful that this people have so much confidence in their leaders that they will not inquire for themselves of God whether they are led by Him.  I am fearful they settle down into a state of blind self-security, trusting their eternal destiny in the hands of their leaders with a reckless confidence that in itself would thwart the purposes of God in their salvation, and weaken the influence they could give to their leaders, did they know for themselves, by the revelations of Jesus, that they are led in the right way. Let every man know, themselves, whether their leaders are walking in the path the Lord dictates, or not."     Journal of Discourses 9:150

In the October 2013 General Conference of the Church, President Uchtdorf said there have been times when members or leaders in the Church had simply made mistakes. "There may have been things that were not in harmony with our values, principles or doctrine."  He said, "I suppose the Church would only be perfect if it were run by perfect beings.  God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. (I could not agree more wholeheartedly!) But He works through us--His imperfect children--and imperfect people make mistakes."

My blogging is my way of expressing concerns and opinions, of questioning.  Yesterday, June 28, the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve of the LDS Church issued a statement pertinent to what I believe I occasionally have been doing on my blog.  Part of it reads:  

"We understand that from time to time Church members will have questions about Church doctrine, history, or practice.  Members are always free to ask such questions and earnestly seek greater understanding."

They then express concern "for members who distance themselves from Church doctrine or practice and, by advocacy, encourage others to follow them."  I realize that some might believe that I do not know me, that I am distancing myself from Church doctrine, or that I am encouraging others to follow me, that they suppose they know where I am headed on my spiritual journey.  But they don't know me or my inner-most thoughts, because they can't.

"Simply asking questions has never constituted apostasy.  Apostasy is repeatedly acting in clear, open, and deliberate public opposition to the Church or its faithful leaders, or persisting, after receiving counsel, in teaching false doctrine."  I honestly believe that my questions and my opinions do not amount to "deliberate public opposition to the Church or its faithful leaders."  It is my way of questioning and processing.

If my sincere questioning or opinions threaten someone, that is not about me. It is about them and where they are.  I cannot cause anyone to lose faith.  If my words affect "tender sprouts" in the Gospel,  then they shouldn't read my blog. They should unfriend me on Facebook. They shouldn't follow me or put me on a pedestal.  The path I'm following is for nobody but me. 

There are some faithful LDS members who read my blog who appreciate the fact that even though I question, I remain faithful.  They like me have questions but they too remain faithful.  My blog gives them strength that they can remain faithful as well.  You likely don't hear people like them, perhaps sitting in the pew next to you, because they are afraid of being critically judged.  

At the risk of some few reading what I have published previously at another of my blogs, and losing people because this posting is real long, I'm going to share what I wrote on another blog on June 8, so that my loved ones can know me a little bit more than they do now.  I realize that it may not change what they think. All that I can do is write my truth, found below. It's up to them to look outside of their box they've put me in. 

Before I write about my profound and tender feelings, I wish to share information about the nature of two meetings that I had today, Sunday [the 8th], and a "meeting" I chose not to attend.  

Due to my great desire to become more acquainted with the LGBT world, and most importantly, with the LDS LGBT world, when I found out that this weekend there was going to be a so-called Gay Parade as part of Pride Week here in Los Angeles, I was very excited and enthusiastic to march in it.  I wanted to march with my fellow members of the Church who are LGBT, or who are Allies like me. 

When I originally found out about it, I thought there were no conflicts in my schedule.  I saw myself attending Sacrament Meeting, partaking of the emblems of the Sacrament, and then leaving for the Parade gathering place for my fellow LDS believers.  I anxiously looked forward to it, and even had a gay friend who would show me the ropes and make me feel at home.

A few days ago, though, I realized that I had volunteered to substitute teach the Gospel Principles class during the second hour.  This class is for investigators, newly baptized or reactivated members. The LDS Pride group would be meeting and then begin marching in the parade about that time.  I realized that I could not do both.  So guess which "meeting" I chose to attend?  Not the parade!

My Stake President texted me during the block of meetings and asked to meet with me after the block of meetings.  I suspected that he had read my posting and wanted to speak to me about it.  I knew once I had committed to this path that it might cause concern, especially from Church leadership, and wrote about it in one of my postings. I was right.  Is there doubt that I would go to meet with him and be challenged for my current spiritual journey?  There shouldn't be, because I went willingly.  He informed me that certain people who had been members of the Ward over which I had served as bishop were concerned about me.  I had heard the same thing from a beloved family member about  certain other family members when I was in Utah for my birthday this past week. 

In my mind and heart, my actions today displayed where I am and what is important to me.  I am still very much an LGBT Ally, especially of members or ex-members of the Church, and my feelings are not changing.  I believe that I can embrace both worlds and intend on doing so.  The balance of what I will write will be, for all intents and purposes, my testimony of the Church and the Restored Gospel.  My testimony is very important to me.

I have not known a time in my entire life when I did not have a testimony. From being the loudest singer in Primary and being "Relief Society Bobby" to bearing a testimony as a child at the pulpit, from serving a full-time mission to being married in the Temple, from attempting to raise my children within the Church to maintaining a current temple recommend my entire adult life, from being a YSA bishop to my current calling as a Ward Mission Leader and Vail Worker in the Los Angeles Temple, I have always had a testimony.

When my spiritual journey took me down this path of questioning what I had believed my whole life, my questioning was largely of myself, not of the Church or the Gospel.  I tried to explain in my "inflammatory" posting that I am still the devoted member I have always been and see myself continuing to be.  

In an attempt to help me understand my feelings today, my wife asked me what I would do if the Brethren suddenly came down hard on all non-absolute devotion to everything said by the apostles and prophets, and came down hard on all dissidents and questioning people within the Church. (I can't imagine them ever doing that!)  I responded that I would still hold fast to the Church.  Why?

The Spirit has borne witness to me, and I have seen power in the Holy Priesthood TOO MANY TIMES for me to deny what I have thought and felt.  I understand the doctrine of the Church TOO WELL to go elsewhere.  My belief in the nature of the Priesthood, of modern revelation, of the Book of Mormon, of the Plan of Salvation, of the saving ordinances of the temple, is TOO DEEP.  I've had a testimony of Joseph Smith for TOO LONG.  I have been and continue to be TOO HAPPY because of my relationship with God that I have found in His Church.

My Stake President told me that people with whom he has talked that left the Church have told him that "I didn't leave the Church; the Church left me," and that he is afraid that may occur with me.  The Church can't leave me!  It's like my stomach, my liver, my arm, my heart! How could I willingly rid myself of those body parts?  It's in my DNA!

The institutional Church gives me the opportunity to become more Christ-like.  Could I get that in another organization?  Perhaps, but why would I want to?  I believe that the Church is the vehicle that Christ has designated to best serve Him, not to say that He can't be served from outside the Church.  I am grateful for the many good things that the Church does, although I am always concerned that we need to focus on becoming like the Savior as we do good works.

Where else can I go to receive and renew ordinances that will allow me and mine to return to God's presence?  Where else can I go to weekly remind myself of His atoning sacrifice through the emblems of the Sacrament? Where else can I go to better understand the scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon? (If you want, please read any and all of my 38 page, Arial Narrow, Book of Mormon Journal I kept for the entire year of 2013)  Where else can I find inspired leadership from apostles and prophets? Where else can I go to find the peace that the Restored Gospel brings to me? Where else can I go to better understand my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ?  

I sustain the apostles and prophets of the Church, even though some may believe I don't.  I sustain local leaders of the Church.  Even though I want to believe, I cannot, I will not, automatically accept everything they say because they are just men; they are fallible like I am.  If others want to believe everything that is said, that is their right.  But if I choose not to, be careful as you judge me. As I told my Stake President, I am open to be inspired by them and to be obedient to their counsel, and I will do so as the Spirit bears witness of its truthfulness.  Am I not entitled to personal revelation for myself?  Didn't the Prophet Joseph seek personal revelation for himself? If they are speaking His will, shouldn't the Spirit confirm it?

My prime relationship is not with them, but with my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  I am attempting to exercise faith like Peter did when he willingly left the boat and walked on the water toward the Savior.  To the degree that the counsel of leaders helps improve that relationship, and almost all of it does, I will follow it.  Sadly, not all of it does, even though I wish it did.  My imperative is to listen to the Holy Ghost and to be worthy of its inspiration.  

As I stated in my "inflammatory" blog, I have never felt more contented.  I have never felt happier.  I have never felt more able to love, and love freely. I have never been less judgmental, which I perceive to be a good thing.  I have never felt more loved by Heavenly Father and the Savior, which has more to do with me than it does with Them, because Their love never wavers or changes.  I honestly feel that They accept me and my journey, and would go so far as to say that they placed me on my current path.

One of my very favorite scriptures is found in D&C 50:41-46.  This is how I feel.  I believe it is true about me.  

"Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me."

"And none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost."

"And the Father and I are one.  I am in the Father and the Father in me, and inasmuch as ye have received me, ye are in me and I in you."

"Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd, and the stone of Israel, He that buildeth upon this rock shall never fail."

"And the day cometh that you shall hear my voice and see me and know that I am."

"Watch, therefore, that ye may be ready.  Even so, Amen."

I am in Him, and He is in me. While others do not know me, He does know me!