The quickest way to build your self-esteem is to work on your boundaries with the world around you. This means developing the ability to know yourself apart from those around you. You can evaluate whether someone is speaking the truth before taking it inside and having feelings about it.
Imagine yourself mentally slowing the conversation down. As the words come out of your partner's mouth, first pause and then consider their truth. Are the words true about you, or are they really a personal perspective that says more about how this person sees the world?
The difficult part is that you will discover a seed of truth in most of these discussions. However, having one part of the sentence or thought reflect truth does not make the whole statement true. What is true, and what is the other person's "spin?"
Once you've discovered the other person's perspective, notice the emotions you begin to have. Likely, those feelings come from your own "spin" on the world. Do you believe that your perspectives are the whole truth of things? Not likely. So back down the power of those feelings. Be responsible for your own perspective.
Good boundaries are meant to protect you from the other person's "stuff" slopping over onto you. In addition, they are meant to stop your "stuff" from slopping onto them. It's both protection and containment. You get to take responsibility for yourself by practicing both.
You begin to discover deep down that you actually have a self to esteem. You're not open to every poke the world sends your way. And, you are responsible for not sending pokes back out into the world. Feel some pride! You're beginning to do a good job of taking care of yourself.
Boundaries 102
You can begin to see that boundaries have a lot to do with being responsible for "self-care." Self-care includes the food we eat, our exercise, and the time we take for ourselves. It also involves among other things clothes, medical and dental hygiene, physical hygiene, and emotional care. Everything that goes into keeping us physically and emotionally healthy has a boundary component.
If I need a hug, it is my responsibility to ask for one. My partner may or may not be able to give me one. It can be delightful if that hug is available. If it is not, it is still my responsibility to find a way to meet that need. My care is my job.
The Romance Trap
Don't fall into the "romance trap." It feels wonderful to have your partner anticipate your needs and to feel like the two of you are "joined at the hip." But if it continues this way, your feeling of self-worth will start to depend on him or her, not on you. It's only a matter of time before it gets damaged. So stay real!
You can enjoy your partner while holding yourself accountable for your self-esteem. It can be done! All is takes is attention to a self-responsible perspective. It's not exactly easy, but what is when it comes to relationships?
From "Building Self-Esteem - Personal Boundaries" by Steve Roberts
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