Many people think they are listening, but they really are engaging in pseudo-listening. When we listen this way, there is a selective perception occurring in which listening is distorted by judgments about the character, behaviors, and the intentions of the person speaking. These judgments create a number of real impediments to real listening. Many do this, at least occasionally. Honestly assess which of the following blocks get in your way of really listening to your partner.
Mind Reading. You disregard what your partner is actually saying in favor of trying to figure out what he or she "really means." Mind readers place great importance on subtle cues such as facial expression, tone of voice, and posture. The actual meaning of the words is ignored in favor of the listener's assumptions. EXAMPLE: Your partner says, "I'm okay," but you hear, "something's wrong, but I don't want to tell you."
Filtering. You listen to some of your partner's words but not others. You may listen for what you are expecting to hear ("I'm angry") and tune out everything else ("I really need your support"). Filtering also is used to exclude things that you don't want to hear, usually something about you or the relationship. EXAMPLE: How would you respond to the following: "I'm afraid about being isolated from my family if we move out of state" or "I'm concerned about how much time you spend on the computer."
Rehearsing. After the first few words, you stop listening to what your partner is saying because you're busy rehearsing how you will respond. You miss much of the information your partner is telling you because you are too involved to listen because you're preparing your excuse or justification or defense. EXAMPLE: How would you respond to your partner if he or she were sharing their feelings, one of which was about a growing distance between you?
Daydreaming. Your attention wanders and you only hear bits of what your partner is saying to you. This is a particular problem for couples who have been together for several years. Your thoughts focus on your own concerns. You may even be aware you are having trouble paying attention to your partner. This sometimes is a passive way of demonstrating anger or resentment. EXAMPLE: You become distracted when your partner talks about a recent conversation with his/her mother because you don't like her.
Advising. As soon as your partner begins to describe a problem he or she is having, you jump in and begin to give advice about how it should be solved. (This is often done by males!) This can be a way of managing your own anxiety about a situation. You are so involved in wanting to fix the problem that you ignore your partner's need for emotional support, or to have you just listen and ask for clarification. Advising gives your partner the message that he or she lacks the ability to solve his or her own problems. EXAMPLE: Your partner had a unpleasant conversation with a co-worker which he/she thought was rude.
Sparring. You listen just enough to begin an argument or debate. You take a position that is opposite to your partner's, and defend it, regardless of what your partner says. This is characteristic of troubled relationships. There are familiar themes to the back-and-forth, such as money, sex, being late, neatness, or the children. EXAMPLE: Your partner states that you are not having enough sex, and you take the opposite position.
Being Right. You feel the need to protect yourself from anything your partner might say that suggests that you are less than perfect or consistent. You might engage in shouting, accusing, lying, criticizing, or rationalizing, in order to avoid admitting you might be wrong and your partner could be right. EXAMPLE: Your partner begins to talk of their concern that both of you are spending too much money, you break in and begin to defend your most recent purchases.
Derailing. You make a joke or change the subject whenever your partner begins to talk about something that is too personal, too threatening and close to your core. In this way, you avoid listening to your partner's serious concerns. EXAMPLE: Your partner approaches you with a concern about your health, and you respond by laughing and stating your fine or just too busy to contact the doctor, then you start talking about a problem at work.
Placating. You agree too quickly. You are so concerned about appearing supportive or agreeable as possible that you don't give your partner time to express a deep thought or feeling. EXAMPLE: Your partner expresses doubt, irritation, or anxiety, about a situation, and you jump right in and offer assurance that you will fix the problem right away.
Judging. You stop listening to your partner because you've already formed some negative judgment. You only listen for the purpose of assigning blame or putting negative labels on your partner's motives, words, or behaviors. You listen to gather fresh evidence to prove the validity of your judgment. EXAMPLE: Your partner attempts to tell you about a problem they're having and you stop listening, thinking "here we go again."
Based upon the work of Carl Rogers (1951) and McKay, Davis and Fanning (1983).
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