Waking Up to Who You Are Requires Letting Go of Who You Imagine Yourself to Be

 

As you might know if you follow this blog, much of the therapy work that I do involves working with clients with addictions.  Most who read my words are not compulsively watching porn, or exercising far too many hours a day, or making themselves vomit, or washing their hands 50 times a day, or narcissistically spending hours on social media sites like Facebook, or are always drinking alcohol, or shooting heroin.  That’s fair.  But many people are addicted to something or someone.  And it can even be the persons sitting next to you on your pew at church--or you.

It’s been my experience in the work I do that some people are addicted to their spouses.  They allow their partner to determine to a significant degree if they are happy or sad, carefree or depressed.   This occurs when they focus on the other’s behavior or words and lose their own internal compass.  They are so needy for validation or for emotional connection that when the partner doesn't offer what they feel they deserve or need for whatever reason, they tend to go to pieces.   They see their partners as an extension of themselves and are unwilling to acknowledge that their partners are individuals with their own upbringing, life experiences, and needs, and that maybe, just maybe, they see things differently.  They are addicted to the emotional “drug” that their partner/dealer needs to provide for them to be happy and validated.

Some parents are addicted to their children.  These can be those helicopter parents who hover over their kids, making sure that their offspring are involved in everything, attending the very best schools, and involved in numerous extra-curricular activities .  These are those parents who seem to live life vicariously through their little ones.  These are those who feel bad when they are unable to do everything they would like to do, or who just can’t sacrifice enough, for their sweet darlings.  These are the parents who are so focused on their children that they do not focus on one another, and as such, their marriage is shaky and emotional intimacy is almost non-existent.

Some people have a compulsion to be correct.  They were likely brought up in a home in which if you weren't correct you were criticized or made fun of, or they were raised by a parent who always had to be rigidly right.   Their egos are currently so fragile that they have to prove to everyone, including loved ones, that they know what is best and that they should not be challenged.   They are quick to zero in on the flaw in a loved one’s argument or a wrong word.  It doesn't matter if they make loved ones feel bad; in their addiction they've got to be right, and they’re right, damn it!

Some people have been so abused or hurt growing up that they now feel unable to be vulnerable or real, and addictively hide behind an emotional wall.  The wall has been built one brick, one event, at a time over a lifetime.  The world, and in particular relationships, are not a safe place, and they do not want to be hurt emotionally yet again.  They see the risk being too great to venture out.  And while existing behind the wall is a lonely place, it is a known place, and it’s safe there.   Why risk that comfort and security?   The wall is the addiction of these scared souls.

Some people these days are addicted to all things political.  They listen incessantly to talk radio or to pundit news broadcasts or read or watch online political websites.   Their lives seemed to be consumed by the misdeeds of politicians who can do no good or no bad.   They seem to be so focused on what is wrong that they are challenged to stop long enough to be grateful for what is right—to smell the roses.   These people seem to be focused like a laser on social reform or social justice.    They are fearful in some conscious or subconscious way of those who would think differently than they do, attacking them personally rather than on their views.   Their need to be right and for the other person to be wrong is insatiable.

Some people are addicted to religiosity.  Religiosity?  Yes, religiosity.  One can be addicted to strict religious observance.  Look no farther than the New Testament to read about the Pharisees.  They were addicted to obedience to the law.  The law, or the obedience to the law, became all-consuming for the Pharisees in Jesus’ day.  The weightier matters of loving God and loving others were subordinated by their need to be seen as obedient.   This behavior can be seen in our day by those who rigidly look to religious programs as the end and not the means to the end—of becoming loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, empathetic.    Aren't the commandments meant to help us become, or is our strict obedient or righteous behavior to them what is most important?

My purpose in writing this post was to have you look at your life and determine if there is an addiction or addictive tendencies in there somewhere.  Indeed, if I have awakened you to look at your life, and you see something there that might fit such tendencies, it would be worthwhile to let it/them go, to enable you to be all that you can be, unencumbered by these or other insidious beliefs.  Indeed, waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be!