Thursday, June 25, 2015

Boundaries: A Review

My work with couples has shown me that boundaries are completely necessary in this the most important of all interpersonal relationships. When I talk about boundaries, some people think of them as a way to control their partner's behavior.  Others think of them in terms of punishment for their partner.  Neither of these ideas could be farther from the truth.

Boundaries are to protect ourselves.  Melody Beattie, in defining what are boundaries in her book Beyond Codependency, frames boundaries in this way:

"It's a decision to tell someone he or she cannot use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract. {It's a decision] to tell them they cannot abuse us, or otherwise invade or infringe on us in a particular way."

Like national, state, or even home property territories, boundaries define the territories of our body, mind, emotions, possessions, even our spirits.  They define the territory of "me."  They are why I end and you begin.

Regrettably, many of us don't understand "me." That can be the result of living for others and meeting their needs instead of our own.  It can be the result of being swallowed by the personality, the will, and character of caregivers and friends from our past.  It can be the result of a lack of self-awareness.  It can be a refusal to take care of ourselves.

Sometimes, we don't immediately know what hurts and what feels good. We may not know what are our rights.  Sometimes, because we have neglected ourselves for so long, we find it difficult to know where we end and others begin.  And sometimes, we may feel shame every time we even consider establishing such a thing as a boundary. 

Step 2 in the Twelve Steps talks about "insanity."  Those without boundaries seem to have a high tolerance for "insanity." This can manifest itself in a high tolerance for personal emotional and physical pain, hurt, and mistreatment.  It can be a constant state of craziness that has been going on for so long that it seems normal, that it is all we've ever lived with and know.  Unless someone points out that what is being experienced is insanity, how can we know what normal is when we don't know what really is normal?

As we begin the process of establishing boundaries, it can be challenging.  It can be virgin territory where we have never walked, and as such, can be daunting and even scary.  But recognizing that it is a process allows us to make mistakes and to know that we are at least attempting to change who we are or have been.  It is a skill set, and as such, it will develop with practice.

The process optimally begins with relationships in our lives that are not deeply personal, such as with collegues at work or at Church.  As with setting boundaries regardless of with who or where, it optimally begins in a non-emotionally charged environment.

For example, someone at your church may ask you to take on a responsibility.  Your initial thought may be to accept it.  But if you are struggling with a toddler or two or three at home, and your spouse is unable or unwilling to support you in your domestic responsibilities, it is both appropriate and good for you to state in a calm setting something to the effect of "I'd like to accept it but I just am unable to do it at this point.  Maybe later on ...."

In this example, you are taking care of yourself, which may be somewhat foreign to your experience.  You may feel guilt or shame for not accepting, but you are taking care of you.  And as you take care of you, your self-confidence and self-esteem will increase. You will develop better ideas as to what is appropriate for you and what isn't.

The process inevitably leads to more intimate relationships, especially when done with partners. While more challenging and certainly more difficult with them, boundaries are very necessary and important.  

For example, a partner may habitually nag the other about performing a specific behavior.  Assuming that the partner being nagged would perform the behavior if they physically or emotionally could, a boundary could be established in a calm, non-emotionally charged moment by stating something like "I have been feeling overwhelmed at work, and I just cannot face this right now. I need for you to extend some grace to me for awhile. Let's talk about this next weekend, and see where I am." (Giving partners a time frame to brings some kind of closure is always a good thing!)

If there is emotional or physical abuse taking place, the boundary could look like this: "you can choose to raise your voice and yell at me.  But I can choose to not be abused and I can walk out of the room, and I will."  This is not about one partner controlling the other or telling them what to do.  It's about thinking enough about one's self to take care of themselves by not allowing another to abuse them.  And it's about doing it in a concise, non-angry way.  

In review, then, setting boundaries is about the process of learning to take care of ourselves, no matter with whom the difficulty or discomfort is.  It is about defining what we believe we deserve and don't deserve, about what we want and need, like or dislike, and feeling okay with those decisions.  It is about coming to the place where we feel we have the right to take care of ourselves and to be ourselves, and not feeling fear or shame when we do take care.

It is definitely not about controlling others.  It's about coming to know who we are and embracing those truths--the process of becoming our true selves.

Understand, however, that partners and others may not take kindly to the new you.  The following are some possible outcomes:

  • you cannot take care of your feelings and another person's feelings
  • you will be tested as to your sincerity and belief in your boundary
  • your partner or another may feel angry or rage
  • your partner may complain or whine (the last two outcomes are good clues that a boundary or boundaries needed to be set!)
As a wise person once stated when talking about the decision to do a difficult task, "if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you probably ought to do it; if it makes you feel comfortable, you probably ought not to do it."

A word of warning: Boundaries ought not to be established if the person setting them does not intend on following through.  In the partner example above, if the partner being abused does not intend to leave the room, to follow through, it is probably better not to set the boundary in the first place.  It was likely a feeble threat or attempt to manipulate. It means that the person setting the ill-fated boundary has more work to do on their journey to self-respect and self-love.  But that's okay!

Setting boundaries helps to increase self-worth and self-esteem. As we increase in loving and caring for ourselves, our ability to set boundaries increases.  And as we set more boundaries, our self-worth and self-esteem continue to grow, and so on. You get the picture!

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Great Canadian Loop 4 - Glacier National Park and Other Points of Interest in Montana

We finally had to head south and did so through beautiful Kootenay National Park.  Hours later, we arrived in Bigfork, Montana, on the west side of Glacier National Park where we stayed in a wonderful Bed & Breakfast.  We had found out shortly before we left on our journey that the main road that trasverses this lovely park was closed for road repair. This meant that we would not have access to many of the landscapes that we had hoped to view.  So we decided that we would see what we could see from the periphery of the park, and enter into the park as far as we could.

After spending 2 1/2 days great days there, we headed further south to the town of Butte, Montana where we spent the night before taking the next leg of our southward journey to Salt Lake City.  On our way south, we stopped in Blackfoot, Idaho to visit the Elisons.  We had gotten to know them when they lived in So Cal, and with whom we had tried to keep in contact the many years since.

In Salt Lake City, we were able to spend time with my brother and sister and their spouses and with my niece Leslie.  My wife and I were able to spend time while in SLC at the family cabin in Emigration Canyon, and even traveled to Park City to have dinner and look around at the town which was central to much that occurred in the Winter Olympics of 2002.

It was time to continue on our expedition and we decided not to drive straight through to the LA area but to spend the night in the town of Mesquite, Nevada, just inside of Nevada and nearly an hour northeast of Las Vegas.  The next morning, we got into our car and left for home, and when we arrived, we realized that we had traveled some 4700 miles.

People have asked me about this incredible trip.  All I can say was that it was exceptional! I would do it again.  I saw vistas that will be indelibly imprinted on my memory for the rest of my life.  I am grateful that we were kept safe, that we were blessed with good health while traveling, that we saw loved ones at varying points of our journey, and that God did a masterful job at creating this beautiful world!









 














1 to 3 - Views from the east side of Glacier National Park and Lake Sherburne
4 - View on a hike to Red Rock Lake and Falls
5 to 7 - View of Red Rock Lake from a distance, and Red Rock Falls
8 - A mountain on the way back from the Lake
9 - A beautiful flower
10 - A gathering of butterflies at a lake shore
11 & 12 - Falls and river flowing into Lake McDonald on the west side of the Park
13 - River flowing forcefully from Avalanche Lake, an awesome view after a tiring hike
14 - Beautiful Avalanche Lake with three visible 150 foot plus waterfalls (there were more)
15 to 19 - On the way to Butte, we stopped at a National Bison Reserve and were treated to some wildlife in their habitat ("Oh give me a home, where the buffalo(es) roam, where the deer and the antelope (and elk) play!)
20 - Berkeley Pit, a open copper pit in Butte, Montana, until 1982.  While it was mined, there were pumps that diverted the ground water.  When the mine was shut down and pumps turned off, the water starting filling up the pit.
21 - My hiking companion, and also, my eternal companion!

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Great Canadian Loop 3 - Lake Louise & More Banff + Yoho National Park

The two main attractions for Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada are Lake Moraine and Lake Louise.  While I'm partial to Lake Moraine, I think that Lake Louise draws more tourists.  It helps when you have a 5 Star hotel right next to the incredible Lake.  

We did not arrive in the Lake Louise area our second day until the early afternoon.  There is a ski resort on the other side of the valley with a chair lift that provides an incredible view of Lake Louise and Mount Victoria, and we opted to see it from that perspective before actually going to the lake proper.  We decided to escape some of the tourist onslaught by taking an hour hike that would provide a beautiful view of the lake and the hotel and surrounding mountains.  Some of the pictures show the haze that was pervasive that day.

Earlier in the day, we had taken a mile and a half hike to Wapta Falls in Yoho National Park that abuts Banff, again, to escape tourists.  As with much of what we saw during our time in Canada and Montana, there was ample water, especially at this time of year, and Wapta Falls was flowing mightily.  And the glacial colored river (green) was ample.

We had stayed the previous night in Golden B.C., but after our Lake Louise day, we stayed in Yoho National Park at an inn in the small community of Field, B.C.  I don't know that we will ever stay in quite so majestic surroundings as we did that night.  And for the record, the inn had a terrific restaurant where I enjoyed the best meal of the trip.  The name of the restaurant?  Truffle Pigs!















1&2 - Wapta Falls, powerful green glacial water
3 - A river, which centuries ago flowed over these rocks, undercut the rocks through powerful erosion and now flows under them
4 - Calm, lovely, scenic Emerald Lake, with lots of canoes
5 - Taken from the other side of the valley opposite Lake Louise, Mt. Temple, at 11,627 ft one of the highest in Banff
6&7 - From across the valley looking at Lake Louise and Mt. Victoria which is behind it
8 - Mt. Victoria, covered with glaciers
9 to 11 - The various hues or shades of Lake Louise, with the 5 Star Fairmont Hotel on its shore (notice the boats)
12 - Beautiful Lake Louise and Mt. Victoria from ground level
13 - Majestic Castle Mountain
14 - Looking out the front of our Inn in Field, B.C., home of Truffle Pigs!

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Great Canadian Loop 2 - Lake Moraine and Peyto Lake

The reason I wanted to come to see Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada was primarily to see a lake which I had only seen in online pictures -- Lake Moraine.  This is a lake that was formed when a rock landslide blocked a glacial river and the river became a lake. What adds to the extreme beauty of this lake is that it is surrounded by ten peaks, all over 10,000 feet above sea level.  As I took pictures of it, I felt I was on sacred ground; that what I was viewing was not only  breathtaking, but holy.

I couldn't stop shooting.  You will see only a few of the shots.  I felt enveloped in extreme beauty.

To me, it was amazing to see what I saw and which I have recorded photographically below, in ONE DAY.  The photos are sequential as I experienced them throughout this singular day. The exquisite beauty just kept coming, as you will see below.  The day far exceeded my expectations. 

We first visited Lake Moraine.  We then headed about 25 miles north on the Icefields Parkway, which ultimately ends at Jasper National Park some 100 miles further north, to Peyto Lake, another magnificent natural spectacle.  While going to Peyto Lake and returning from there, our eyes feasted on even more beauty, as you will see. 

The colors of Lake Moraine and Peyto Lake are the result of glaciers literally scraping rocks as they move and melt, and those particles, called glacial flour, end up in rivers and lakes and create the other worldly colors of the water.  Most rivers in Banff, Yoho, and Kootenay National Parks that we saw were these incredible colors. 

An integral part of nature photography is the lighting.  I would have liked to have been at Lake Moraine at sunrise to see the special glow that the sun casts on landscapes, but that wasn't to be. However, we got there fairly early in the morning, before the throngs of worldwide tourists arrived at 10am or so and were there for most of the day.  I was pleased with the lighting, although white puffy cumulus clouds can obscure and cast shadows on the scene. The master photographers will wait hours or days for just the right lighting.  I couldn't do that, but what I shot was good enough.

These photos are not photoshopped (obviously).  The colors are as they appeared, recorded as best they could be recorded by my Nikon 1, high-end point-and-shoot.  I likely will have some photoshopped and then be printed to hang in my office.  I am just grateful that I had a camera with two lenses that could record this miraculous day!

Lastly, I must acknowledge the Creator of this what I saw on this day and throughout the journey.  He did a masterful job at Banff.


























1 to 3 Lake Moraine in all its glory and beautyin Banff National Park
4- One beauty in front of the background beauty!
5- The little white speck in the middle of the picture is a drone with a camera (I suppose)
6- More Lake Moraine beauty
7&8- Close ups of some of the ten peaks that surround Lake Moraine
9 to13- More incredible scenery at the end of a 1 1/2 hour hike near Lake Moraine
14- On the Icefields Parkway
15- More glacial beauty on the Parkway
16 to 18- Gorgeous Peyto Lake, with different hues based upon the sun and clouds, after a short hike
19- One of the mountains next to Peyto Lake
20 to 22- Turning around the other way from the perch from which I shot Peyton Lake
23&24- Beautiful Bow Lake
25- Hector Lake with majestic mountains in the background